Author's Note: This story is made up part by facts, and real emotions, and part by my weird imagination and wishful thinking and hoping for the face to face situation that this story is given. In real life, it was not the case.

This is also a story that I wrote for a very special friend of mine, for I am grateful that what I feared would happen didn't. For that, I still can not help but love him.

I Know

He was waiting for me, where I had asked to meet him, when I made my way from my car over to the park bench beneath the huge fig tree, the sunlight filtering through the thick leaves to cast mottled patches of light on the ground between the dark shadows.

I didn’t smile as I approached him, not even when he looked up and waved. I couldn’t bring myself to even wave back, I just gave a half hearted nod of recognition. My mind was else where. I perched on the bench next to him, not looking at him as I clenched my hands together in my lap, but staring out over the park before us. I could feel his unease, but it was nothing compared to the twisting in my stomach.

I had had everything planned out before I came. I’d practised what I was going to say multiple times before I had called him, and then over and over again on my way over to the park. But, as I opened my mouth, it was all gone. Every word I had come up with, had planned, left me as I went to speak. I wanted to say something to build up to what I had to say. I wanted to make it a bit easier on him. But as I forced the words out of my mouth, what came out was not what I hoped to say. Not just then, anyway.

“I’m in love with you!” I whispered, instantly realising my mistake.

I could feel the silence in the air, and it didn’t seem to be just between the two of us either. There was a lull in the traffic, and even the noises from the park seemed to have stopped. I was sure that in that moment of silence both of us stopped breathing, waiting for something to happen.

He finally drew in a breath, sounding almost desperate for oxygen. “But you can’t.” He whispered, softly, his voice sounding slightly strangled with surprise. “I’m gay!”

I nodded, still staring straight ahead, not taking in any of what I saw. I didn’t dare look at him. I didn’t want to see the look on his face. “I know.” I whispered, feeling like my words would strangle me. “And I’m a lesbian.”

“But I love Shane.” The words stumbled out of his mouth, he sounded slightly panicked.

I grimaced slightly hearing him say that. I knew this. I knew all of it, but I couldn’t help but tell him. I knew this was going to happen. I began to wish I hadn’t told him, but I knew there was no going back now. Instead, I closed my eyes, and nodded slowly. “I know. And I have a girlfriend.”

The silence flooded in again, engulfing the two of us. I felt like I was drowning in it. I didn’t dare open my eyes. I was afraid of seeing that all around us things were still going on like they always did.

I could feel his eyes on me, and his soft breathing reached my ears. I could feel the way that he had tensed, the way his body went ridged where he sat, at the other end of the bench. I could feel the tension in the air around us. I felt like I was suffocating. I felt like dying, just to get away from the mess I’d made.

Still not opening my eyes I bowed my head, hoping that he’d understand I was sorry. I hadn’t wanted to do this to him. I hadn’t wanted to risk ruining our friendship. “I know I shouldn’t have said anything.” I whispered, almost surprised that I managed that much, I was sure, with the tight feeling in my chest and throat, that I’d never speak again. “I don’t want you to hate me. I don’t want you to treat me any differently. I still want us to be best friends like always.” I paused to draw in an uneven breath, and realised, for the first time, that tears had formed under my closed eyelids, and were slowly leaking their way out. “I should never have said anything.”

I waited, hoping that he’d say something, before the silence drove me to actual crying. My hands were trembling by the time I felt his hand rest lightly on my shoulder. I jumped, despite myself, at his touch, and for a moment I feared that he’d move his hand away. But it remained.

“I don’t hate you. Okay?” His voice was calm, but I knew that he was far from being that. “I could never hate you. You’re my best friend.”

I nodded slowly, unclenching my hands to wipe at a stubborn tear. “I’m so sorry.” I whimpered, realising despite what he’d said, things weren’t going to ever go back to how they were before.

He patted my shoulder gently. “It doesn’t matter. You needed to say it. I can’t blame you for something you can’t control.”

I shrugged half-heartedly. “I still shouldn’t have said it.” I turned my face towards him, only daring to open my eyes the slightest bit. I looked through the blur of tears and eyelashes to watch him. He looked so sad that it only made things a million times worse.

His hand moved from my shoulder, reaching for my hand. Letting him take it I sat there numbly, my fingers not eve responding enough the curl around his hand.

“You’re the greatest friend I could ever want. You like me for who I am. You understand me. I’m not going to let this ruin that.” He squeezed my hand as he spoke, his other hand coming around to pat my arm gently. “You know nothing can ever happen, right? I can love you as a friend, but nothing more.”

I nodded, dropping my eyes away from him again. “I’m sorry.”

“No, I’m sorry. Just be careful, please.” He let go of my hand then, pulling me into a hug, his hands rubbing my back gently.

My arms closed around his waist, my head resting against his shoulder. “I still love you. I’m sorry.” I whispered gently, closing my eyes and letting tears slip past, trickling down my cheek.

His chin rested on the top of my head, his hand patted my back almost awkwardly, and I felt his own tears fall on my hair.

“I know.” He whispered sadly. “I know.”