Only Fourteen

-

-

-

I don't know if you could possibly understand what's going on in my head.
I don't know if you could even try.
I know you care.

I know that you want to hear what I have to say
But I don't know if I can express what I mean.
I feel alone, hidden behind a shadow of what I should be,
could be.

I want to feel alive, genuinely happy, genuinely me.
I need to let go. I know that.
I just don't know if I can.

I want to be left behind; I want to be brought,
I want you to leave me alone;
I want you to care too much to be able to
leave me alone,

I want to do something amazing;
by my point of view
so that people will
notice that I am still here,

I want to be able to tell you straight out
what I need to tell you,
what I need to let out.

But I can't.

You never actually listen to what I say,
You take my words
Make them fit into the image of me that you see.

You don't think that inside
I could be a totally different person
than my outside shell.

Maybe the way you are seeing me
is the way you would like me to be.

Maybe it's the way I was.

I can't remember now.
I have lost the meaning of time.
I live off what I want to be, see, do.
But I have nothing to thrive upon.
There is nothing for me.

In education, in friends,
There is no more excitement.
No more pure joy.

I live for the dreams I get in sleep,
Yes, they are gone with the sun,
I can always try to get them back.
I need to get them back.

The times when I had something to look forward to,
People with the same ideas, values, ways of thinking that I had.
Now, I have outgrown them all.
I have left them all behind in a tiny time
lapse.

Where has it all gone?

Days before it seems,
When I was carefree, naïve enough not
To realize that
I wasn't as naïve as I thought I was.
When I didn't know that my friends
knew so little about the world and were so shallow.

I want those days back.
I need them back.
I can’t live off dreams forever.

I want you to hear me the way I need to be heard,
I want to be understood,
I want to be helped through my muddled mess of a mind,
And out into the sunlight on the other side.

I want to be able to let everything out,
To be able to let it all go and just start over.
No anger, no frustrated ness, no old friends no new friends.
I just want my mind to be wiped blank,
Amnesia style, so that I can start
All over without any guilt,
Without any regrets.

Regret for having “no reason” to be angry,
Regret for having no reason to be upset,
Regret, for leaving my friends out,
Regret for making new friends and forgetting the best,

Guilt, feeling like I've let my parents down,
Feeling like I should have forced myself to be happier,
Feeling like I should have pushed myself harder,
Made myself happy,

But I can't.
I wouldn't.
I won't.

There should be no guilt,
Everyone has the right to feel down once in a while.
Everyone has the right to become depressed, unhappy.

I am better off than most.
I have people around me who love me,
don't abuse me
or use me
for their own purposes.

I should feel,
and be
happy.

But I'm not.

I feel like a snobby rich kid whining
'cause I didn't get the car I wanted.
But that's not how I feel.
I hate feeling guilty

Whimpering about “how much my life sucks”
when I am more fortunate
than the people with actual shitty
lives.

I just want to get out,
But then again I don't.

The dark, broody inside, is me. its home,
I feel needed there,
wanted,
useful,
appreciated.

There I am noticed
and appreciated for what I do.
What exactly it is-
I'm not quite sure-

But here I am never given a break,
when I push myself to the limit

They always ask for more.

Stuck thinking
about budgeting,
how to save money
what to buy 'cause it's the cheapest.

I am stuck with the feeling
of depressed-ness.

No doubt
my parents
feel it too,
or maybe they are in reality depressed.
I'm just feeling the shadow.

But somehow

I know they aren't as deep in as me.
I know that I shouldn't be feeling like this but I can't do anything to get
out.

And I don't want to.
I like it here.

Anger is my happiness,
But I don't like it,

I want it to go away.
But I will miss it if it does.

You want to know the funny thing?.
I. am. only. fourteen.

Responsibility heaped upon me when
I was old enough to hold it
on my shoulders.

The way I see it that's how it happened.
Only fourteen...