Chapter One, Impending Matrimonial Doom:

When Clark James announced with joy his impending nuptials to Candice Miller, he did not feel that his parents, a Mr. and Mrs. David James, were too thrilled about the matter. His father congratulated him heartily after a moments pause, and his mother smiled and hugged him tightly through what could have been sentimental tears.

Now, reader, in order that you more perfectly understand the situation, let’s search paragraph one for literary clues. As you have probably observed at some earlier point in your life, the word impending hardly ever foreshadows good news in the future. We think of impending storms and due dates and tragedy. And heartiness in real life can come off as forced or suspiciously overenthusiastic. Let us further note that tears have just as much a propensity, if not more of one, to vocalize anguish of the soul or a supremely uneasy mind.

David and Marie James were not happy that their son was engaged. Like any natural parents, they were happy to see their children happy. They wanted to see their children, or child, as in this case, settled down with a spouse they approved of, could grow to love, would do the best by their daughter or, as in this case, son.

And frankly, David and Marie James found Candice Miller an extremely unlikely candidate for a spouse they could approve of, grow to love, or one that would do the best by their son.

Before they were first introduced to Candice earlier in the year, they were excited to hear the eagerness with which their son spoke to them of her on the phone. They were glad their son found someone. And Clark had not had a serious girlfriend in a while. But the case changed shortly after they met her.

Clark brought his shiny new girlfriend to visit his parents with him at the beginning of the summer. Marie and David found her beautiful, as their son assured them they would, but they could not help but feel the slight coldness of her manner, which Clark persuaded them was shyness. He had persuaded himself of the same thing when he first met her. So, tenderly allowing room for shyness, they sought to win Candice over to the family with good old fashioned hospitality.

But Candice never responded.

And Candice was high-strung.

And Candice was high-maintenance.

And Candice certainly did not love their son.

Although uneasy and sadly thinking of Clark’s certain heartbreak in the obviously impending break-up (see, there it is again, being unpleasant) they were positive the break-up would come about, and soon. Why a girl as shallow as Candice would stick for very long around their son they could not fathom.

But when Clark broke the horrible news to them, they knew things were out of their hands. It would take a little persuasion from several different parties to cause them to take the matter quite figuratively into their hands.

Samantha Brady and Sophy Hill were quite innocently going about their business. In every shopping expedition, at least when Samantha and Sophy were involved, there came a period of comfortable quiet. In companionable silence they made their way through racks of discounted clothing, snorting softly in disdain when articles struck them as painfully ridiculous and too obnoxious to be ignored.

Finally Samantha broke the period of quiet as she held up a particularly painful article. “Does this remind you of clowns, the worst of the 1970’s, and Uncle Rico from Napoleon D.?”

“Put that down immediately. Why is your first instinct in suffering to make me suffer too?”

“It only seems fair,” Samantha replied serenely, blowing wisps of hair out of her face. She needed a haircut.

“I give up,” Sophy declared. “This store sucks. When they have a sale, they discount everything that no one except for Uncle Rico would ever buy. Hey—is that Clark James?” Despite their mature ages of twenty-two and twenty-one, they dove behind a taller rack of hanging garments as they considered their best options.

“Ok, this is stupid, you know,” whispered Samantha.

“You don’t have to tell me that. Do you think he’s still friends with that loser jerkface Jake Dawes?” Sophy whispered back.

“Unless they still hang out because they hate each other, I think so.” Samantha pointed to Jake, who was examining an ugly plaid jacket. By the look on his face, he also thought it was ugly. Either that or he was scowling because he had had a really bad day.

“Ugh,” groaned Sophy. She had an embarrassing/painful history with Jake Dawes back when she and Clark and Jake all went to the same high school. The boys had been a year ahead of her, and Samantha was a year younger, and Sophy’s best friend. Samantha did not go to school with them, but she went to church with Sophy, and worked with Clark, and they had all hung out at one point during Sophy and Jake’s embarrassing and or painful history. “We have to say hi to Clark, we haven’t seen him in forever.”

“C’mon, let’s do it. Jakie can’t kill you,” Samantha spoke with firm resolve, but she did not yet leave the safety of their hiding spot.

‘Oh, but he wants to,’ Sophy mournfully thought to herself. “Ok,” she said aloud.

They inconspicuously stood up and walked over to the two men. The look on Jake’s face clearly indicated that he still felt the same way about Sophy. The look of obviously-disguised embarrassment on Sophy’s face clearly indicated the same. Jake Dawes was making the same face, but no one had ever really known what it meant.

“The girls!” Clark joyfully exclaimed, and hugged them.

‘Now it is painfully awkward that we are not hugging Jake,’ Sophy thought. ‘I hate my life.’ She wincingly smiled when Jake inclined his head at her.

They exchanged pleasantries.

“Hey, girls! I have some sweet news. I asked Candice Miller to marry me last night!”

“And she said no?” Sophy inquired, not without hope.

She and Samantha went to visit Clark on his college campus whenever a band performed there that they liked, and they had met Candice several times. Back before Candice and Clark started going out, they felt bad for Clark because of his stupid asinine infatuation, but they were glad Candice was too shallow to ever consider going out with Clark. They had nothing in common, and she had every guy hanging after her. They did not like Candice.

“No,” Clark frowned, but then grinned. “She said yes, of course.”

“She said ‘Yes, of course!’ or she of course said ‘Yes!’?” Jake muttered stupidly in a strongly embittered attitude.

Samantha and Sophy quickly looked at Jake. It appeared he was not overly fond of Candice either.

“Um, congrats, Clark,” Samantha said uncertainly.

“Yes…of course,” Sophy joked, causing Jake to smile. She winced and looked quickly away from him, and the angry expression returned to his face.

“I’m so glad you’re in town,” Samantha quickly said. “It’s been so long since we’ve seen you.”

“Let’s get lunch,” Clark decided. “This store sucks.”

“I know,” Sophy said. “Uncle Rico, right?” She ran over to the rack they had mentally destroyed and pulled out the hapless garment to explain herself.

The guys laughed and they left the store.

“I’m the one who said it looked like Uncle Rico first,” Samantha insisted childishly.

“This is true,” Sophy conceded peacefully.

They went into cheap Chinese food place and ordered respectively, and sat down respectively. When Clark excused himself to go to the restroom, the three at the table ate in silence. Until…

“Jake?” Sophy asked nervously.

Instead of yelling, “What the hell is wrong with you?! I’m not going to bite you or rape you or make your life a living hell!!” He drawled, “Yes, sweetheart?” and then blanched when he realized that what he had said was even worse. ‘Don’t run away or faint, don’t run away or faint’ he repeated over and over to himself. ‘Clark will kill me and he won’t believe a word I say about it.’

After a surprised and discomfited silence, she said gravely: “Candice Miller must be stopped!”