The Christmas Spirit

By Kristy Snyder

Act I

List of Characters:

Thomas Knickley: mid 30’s, married, has one child age five, just starting to see balding, about 6’0”

Susan Isotome: mid 30’s, married, has two children, ages four and eight, short and frizzy brown hair

Store Clerk: friendly, helpful

Security guy: well-trained

Security girl: well-trained

Woman: ignorant and slightly ditzy

Setting:

An aisle of toys in a KB Toys store in the mall

(Lights open on an aisle in the middle of KB Toys. Nearly all the shelves are empty, except for a few scattered toys. In the middle of the one shelf is a glowing package, the last Bratz Doll in the store as well as the entire city. A man appears from around the corner.)

Thomas (With disappointment): It looks like they don’t have it either! Argh! It was the only thing Shaneequa asked for this year, I don’t know what I’m going to do. (Shakes head and looks around hopelessly) Oh my God! There it is! (Rushes to shelf madly with surprise)

Susan (Standing at end of aisle) Oh my God!

Thomas (Stops and turns to face Susan): What?

Susan (In disbelief): The last Bratz Doll! It’s right there! I better grab it before anyone else does!

Thomas (Looks down at hand already on box): I’m sorry, miss, but this is my doll. There aren’t anymore left.

Susan (In a know-it-all voice): I don’t think so! You have no right to ‘claim’ anything in this store unless you buy it! Anyway, (Stands akimbo) I saw it before you!

Thomas (Mouth dropped): No you didn’t! You weren’t even in the aisle with me when I saw it. Now this doll is mine. I’m sorry, but you’ll have to look elsewhere. (Grabs doll securely with two hands and hugs against chest)

Susan (Still akimbo): I think not. Do you wanna fight for it?

Thomas (Surprised): No! First of all, we’re in a civilized place, and we’re civilized people. At least… I am. And second –

Susan: You weren’t about to make the excuse that I’m a woman, were you?

Thomas (Politely): Oh, no, of course not. Well… maybe, but I didn’t mean it!

Susan (Angrily): I see how it is. You sexist man pig! (Leaps onto man)

Thomas (Surprised): What are you doing? (Angrier) Get off me!

Susan: No! Not until you give me that doll! (Starts clawing his face)

Thomas: Aaaaahhhhhhhhhhh! (Swings around, knocks her off)

Susan (Laying on floor): You hurt me! Ow!

Thomas (Puts hand to face): You stupid witch, you cut my face open! (Kicks her in stomach)

Susan: Aaaaahhhhhhhhhhh!

Thomas: Take that, skank! (Turns to walk away)

Susan (Through clenched teeth): I don’t think so. (Pulls gun out of coat)

Thomas (Still turned around) I do. (Faces her) And what are you gonna… (Notices gun) Oh my God!

Susan: Ah, so now you finally respect me? Now that I have a gun and can blow out your brains? Is that what it takes to get a woman to be noticed these days? You patriarchal whore. God, if I don’t blow your brains out myself, I’ll be a disgrace to all the feminists of the world.

Thomas (With fear): Please, m’am. Please. I’m not sexist or patriarchal. In fact, I’m quite the feminist. Go ERA! So please… don’t kill me.

Susan (Cocking gun): The Equal Rights Movement was crap. Women should be above men, not equal. And you are a liar who’s gonna die now. (Takes aim)

Store Clerk (Coming down aisle after hearing loud voices): Hello, can I help you with – (Notices gun) Ah!

Susan (Distracted, turns to face clerk) What? Who are you? Get away, let me finish this man pig! (Stands up)

Store Clerk (Eyes wide): Ok, m’am. Whatever you say. Just try to stay clam.

Susan (Snapping): Don’t call me m’am. I have a name you know, I’m not just some nameless female scum you can abuse. I’m Susan. Susan Isotome. And don’t tell me to calm down, ‘cuz I’m perfectly fine. In fact, I feel wonderful. I’m finally going to be doing the world some good, by ridding it of this cursed patriarchal parasite! (Starts laughing manically, head tilts back. Thomas sneaks up behind her and knocks gun out of hand, and quickly picks it up. He has left last doll on shelf)

Thomas (Evilly): Ha, ha, ha. Look who’s in control now. Wanna take back what you said about me being a parasite?

Susan (With fear, but determined): No. Never. I can’t take back the truth!

Thomas (Grinning): Fine. But since we’re talking about truth, let’s clear things up. I really do hate women. I wish they were our slaves! (Spits on her)

Susan (Teeth clenched): You man whore.

(Thomas shoots her, she flutters then dies. Screams from the store ring out.)

Store Clerk (In shock): Oh my God! You just shot her! Oh my God!

Thomas: Yes, I did. And you happen to be a witness who is ticking me off. (Shoots him, falls over and dies)

(Enter store security)

Security guy: Drop the weapon, now! (Points gun at him)

Thomas (Lying): I’m so sorry, sir! It was self-defense! I was just protecting myself.

Security girl: Sure, sure. Just put the gun down, then we can talk.

Thomas: Yes, of course. (Goes to put gun down, then quickly fires at guards, missing)

Security guy: Open fire! (Both fire guns, Thomas is hit and falls down, pretends to be dead)

Security girl (In shock): God, what a bloodbath. (Puts hand to forehead and closes eyes)

Security guy (Concerned): You okay?

Security girl: I don’t know, I just – (Thomas fires gun at her, she dies. Fires gun at security guy, he also dies. Thomas then dies of his wounds.)

Woman (Completely ignorant to all the dead people, walks past aisle and notices doll.): Oh look, a Bratz doll! I wonder if Consuella would like one of those? Well, if not, I can always return it. (Grabs doll off shelf and walks away, curtain closes)

The End