Title: A Few More Words

A.N.: I was posessed by the spirit of an emo and the following is the angsty result of it. It is a ONESHOT. although i feel this is pretty self evident in the writing style, i feel the need to state this. please don't ask for more, i probabl wont write more.

Warning: the following is a story about a... dun dun dun LESBIAN couple. le gasp! there is nothing explicit, i don't write such thing (well) but i feel the need to warn in case this offends you and/or your church/religious group/beliefs. if you are offended by such things then leave. don't, however, review and tell me that i am disgusting for acknowledging such things for three reasons:

1. i wont read it.

2. it will waste your time and mine.

3. i don't care.

we are all entitled to our opinions. just don't lecture me on yours, i wont listen. i didn't listen when the priest lectured about it, i wont listen to you.

however if you do read this please review and let me know what you think!

A Few More Words

I find myself sitting there by the phone, on the floor in my room. The first few hours I heard I felt nothing numb. And I sat there numb thinking of images of you

They say when you die your life flashes before your eyes and I wonder if it was anything like this for. Did you remember the time I stayed at your and we sat for hours just laughing, until we forgot what we were laughing at. I remember the way you just looked at me and burst out laughing. I decided then and there that that was my favorite laugh. And I always wanted to be the one to make you laugh, that slightly breathless tinkle.

I remember when you first found out that you were going to die. I wander if that featured in you montage. It doesn’t matter if it didn’t. I can remember it clearly enough for both of us. I remember you ducking your head, and I reached forward to tuck a strand of hair behind an ear. That was my favorite piece of hair. It always gave me an excuse to touch you. Your breath hitched on the last bit and you just looked at me. The light behind you seemed to darken your face and shadow your eyes. There was the sound of cars from the main road in front of our house in the background. The room smelled of apples, I don’t know why, but it had a sour odor in the air, that seemed so out of place. I remember thinking it seemed off. When the words escaped your mouth, broken and forced. Rehearsed. I remember my heart breaking there and then. I could actually feel it rip in two. It was the most painful moment of my life. Up until the hours after my numbness would melt away. It was odd, when I read your silly romance novels, that I’ll never give away now; I always thought that junk about hearts breaking was crap. Now I realize just how hard it is to explain the complete terror you feel when you find out your life is going to fall apart.

The last time we went to the beach. You had a sort of strange calm about you. You had been getting thinner, but to me you’ve never looked more beautiful. You eyes looked so at peace. It wasn’t a nice day; it rained for some of it. But it was perfect. I remember thinking that I had lost you then. When you turned to me, your eyes were unfocused, and the smile seemed directed at me rather then too me. My heart stuttered, and my breath caught as another strand escaped your ponytail. You laughed, breathless and sweet, but so at rest. It was more of a sigh now I look back at it. The world around you looked grey and you seemed to shine, like the sun only lit up you.

It was beautiful.

When you first kissed me. You were at a party and I had no say in the matter. You just grabbed me and kissed me. My family didn’t know I was gay, you didn’t care. Millie was at that party, she wouldn’t talk to me for a week. But I didn’t care. I remember you just laughing at me and then picking up the phone calling her. I was so scared but I knew it was going to be okay, because you would handle it. You always did.

The last few weeks, when the kemo had worn you down to nothing, you bursting into tears at the hospital because your hair was falling out, you could see your ribs. You asked me how I could love you. I remember thinking how couldn’t I. You were the shiniest thing I ever owned. You were bright, even when the light flickered and threatened to go out, you were still the brightest star. You didn’t dim. Not even at the end. You went down in a blaze of glory.

The last time we kissed. It was as I left the hospital, I promised I’d be back in the morning, with a new tacky, third rate romance for you. And a teddy bear. You hated sleeping alone and I couldn’t be with you at night when you had to stay at the hospital. I remember your hand coming up, as if to brush hair out of the way, it stopped on the way and I caught it and held it. You leaned forward and snuggled against my chest. You bit my neck lightly, saying, almost growling, ‘mine’ under your breath. I kissed the top of your head and said ‘yours’. That was it. That was my good bye.

We’ve been friends for four years. Lovers for one and it wasn’t enough. At some point I picked my self off the floor and stripped climbed into bed. Huddled under the blankets and screamed.

I cried, I was so angry. Angry at my parents for not getting to know you. Angry at god for taking you away. Angry at the doctors for letting you die. Angry at the cancer that ate away at your beautiful heart.

Angry at you for leaving me.

Angry at me for not taking just a few more minuets with you. Just five more minuets before I had left that evening.

I wanted it so badly just then, to be able to tell you how much I loved you. To beg you to wait for me. To hold you for just a few more breaths.

I wanted the world at that moment. I wanted you. I felt my heart break a few months ago. And in those few moments of crying, screaming and begging I felt my soul die right there.

After the memorial service I came home to an empty house. There was no funeral, you wanted your ashes spread on the beach where we had our first date. The place where we had our last too. There were boxes everywhere. Full of your stuff, stuff that I didn’t need and that your brother had asked me to give to him. I’d kept the photos of you and me, sent the copies to him. He was the only one really to acknowledge the validity of our love. My parents called it a phase. Millie only really bothered with the pair of dykes (her words, your later in a mocking tone) after you got sick. Your parents had disowned you years ago.

I kept your books, even the one I bought that you never read. On the cover there’s a picture of some forest with a woman in white weeping in a clearing. I wrote in the cover for you. You loved it when I did that.

To Nicky (with a y not an i)

So you don’t bother all the pretty nurses and interns that come to flirt with you. Don’t ‘loose’ your ring. Mine! Tell those medical types hands off!

Eternally yours,

Claire

Xxx

I tried reading it but couldn’t get the image of you bickering with me about what constituted as real literature.

So I got out the box that filled with all the little posit notes and copies of emails, even texts that I kept since I found out about the cancer. I looked through them all, smiling at some points, crying at others. Just remembering you.

Claire,

Gone to get fish and chips. DON’T COOK! I will have to severely hurt you and then say ‘yes’ every time you ask me do I look fat.

And no you don’t, I love you the way you are, stop looking in the mirror!

Love ya hunny!

Your laugh.

Claire,

I am a note in you lunch, love me! Eat it all, don’t you dare swap it for salad bitch!

Love you

Your tears.

Claire,

Sorry I shouted, I’ve just been wound up tight, there’s something I need to talk to you about tomorrow, and can’t talk on the phone. Text me when your free.

Miss you, sorry again,

Nicky

Xxx

Your hair.

Thanks for the hat, no I don’t want to go to the club tonight but how about a restaurant, I’ve got something I want to ask you.

Nickster (it’s my new rap name!)

Your eyes.

Claire,

A little bird told me you like white roses. You never where the red roses type. Just wanted to know if you’ll marry me. (Ring’s in the expensive pudding).

Your kiss.

Love you, thanks for coming today.

See you tomorrow.