12

Ok, so some people may have read my other one-act play that I wrote for 24-Hour Theatre last year. This is the one I wrote for this year. Some of you may remember things got screwed up last time and one of my male characters had to be changed around to be played by a female actress. Guess what? It happened again. In the actual production, Ben is a female.

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Ludwig Lunches: A deep, introspective look into the lunch time happenings of Olivetians.

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Characters:

Ben – He is the best friend of Laney and Vlad since the beginning of time (See: freshman year) He’s majoring in Engineering and has over 75 hours clocked on his Final Fantasy XII game.

Vlad (short for Vladimir) - Ben's cousin and Laney's best friend from high school, he brought the 3 of them together at the glorious Olivet. He is a business major and has everything Chuck Norris has ever been in on DVD, including TV appearances burned onto DVRs. He has had an enormous crush on Christa since freshman orientation, but like many other boys at Olivet, he gets nauseous when he speaks to attractive females.

Laney – She is the best friend of Vlad and she liked him in high school until he flung his booger at her. Then she met Ben and liked him until she realized he was an idiot. She’s a Communication major, enjoys insulting Ben, using long words that he doesn’t understand, and reading books, favorably by Madeleine L'Engle.

Christa – She’s the pretty, yet slightly insecure girly-girl with a hidden love for gory Asian films. She is good friends with Laney, thinks Vlad is cute, but weird and she thinks Ben is funny, but thinks he's an idiot.

Setting: The Olivet cafeteria in Ludwig around 11:30/noon-ish

(Enter Scene. Ben and Vlad are eating at a table in the cafeteria, deep in conversation)

Ben: Dude, they lay eggs. They’re fish.

Vlad: Only half fish. The other half is a person, so why would they lay eggs?

Ben: Ah, but the half with the reproductive organs is the fish part, so they must reproduce the same way fish do.

Vlad: But dolphins don’t lay eggs. Dolphins give birth.

Ben: Did I say half dolphin? No. I said half fish. So they lay eggs. Like fish do.

Vlad: But at the same time, aren’t they for the most part mammals? Mammals do not lay eggs.

Ben: If they were mammals, they would have to come up for air, which they don’t.

Vlad: Maybe they have like litters of kids. You know, like dogs or sea turtles?

Ben: Vlad, I think that’s the stupidest thing you’ve ever said. Why on earth would they have anything in common with a dog? It makes no sense whatsoever!

(Enter Laney. She sits down and gives them odd looks.)

Laney: What are you guys talking about?

Ben: (proudly)the reproductive habits of mer-people.

Laney: (rolls her eyes) Ben, you’re an idiot.

Ben: (offended) Why am I the idiot? Vlad was talking about it too!

Laney: Because I know you were the one who brought the topic up and Vlad is too worried about your gentle psyche to directly shoot down your moronic conversation topics.

Vlad: Man, she sure hit the nail on the head with that one, huh?

Ben: (pouting) Laney, you’re so mean…

Laney: (smiling patronizingly) Ben, you’re so dumb.

Vlad: Guys, cut it out.

Laney & Ben: (in imperfect unison) Sorry, Vlad.

Laney: Hey Ben, did you do that paper for Biology?

Ben: We had a paper in Biology?

Laney: (rolls eyes) You are such an idiot.

Vlad: (clears throat and stops Ben from retortingSo any ideas on what we’re doing this weekend?

Ben: Why don’t you try asking Christa out on a date?

Laney: (rolls eyes) Ben, give it up. He’ll never ask out Christa.

Vlad: (frowning) Last time I tried to talk to her, I couldn’t eat for three days…

Ben: Dude, I get hungry if go three hours without eating something.

Laney: Gluttony is a sin you know.

Ben: (offended) It’s not gluttony. I just burn through food quickly. And I love food…

Laney: You’re a pig.

Vlad: She’s got a point, Ben. But at the same time, he does need a lot of food.

(Enter Christa. She searches for a place to sit. Vlad perks up think puppy hearing you pick up a toy. Ben looks over to see what has Vlad and grins.)

Vlad: (glares at Ben) You have that horrible, conniving expression on your face.

Laney: I do believe he is thinking some decidedly devious thoughts.

Ben: (turns to Christa and beckons her) Hey, Christa, come join our assemblage!

Christa: (gives Ben an off-put look) Um, sure…

Vlad: (stage whispers to Ben) You are such an idiot.

Christa: (sits down next to Laney) Hey, Laney how have you been?

Laney: Positively marvelous, darling. And yourself?

Christa: (sighs) Oh-my gosh, my literature class is killing me. I have to do like, twenty pages of reading a night and none of it is good. It’s awful.

Ben: Hey, I’m in that Lit class with you and I never have anything to do for it.

Vlad: Ben, you have the work to do, you just never do it.

Laney: Because you’re an imbecile.

Ben: I am not…

Laney: There is no way you can justify that claim. All evidence leads to the positive conclusion that you are completely devoid of anything remotely resembling a sense of intelligence.

Vlad: (confused) Laney, why couldn’t you just call him a liar like a normal person?

Laney: Because Vlad, that would be disloyal to my innate interminable nature.

Ben: (frowning) What did you just say?

(Tense pause.)

Christa: So, seen any good movies lately?

Laney: We rented Little Miss Sunshine last Thursday. Have you seen that one yet?

Christa: Yeah, I thought it was amazing. I’m a big fan of Sundance films and it’s getting a lot of buzz from the award show people, too.

Ben: You watch that award show stuff?

Christa: I really like movies. I have tons and I go to the movies all of the time. Plus I have a lot of favorite actors and stuff and I like to watch the shows and root for them, make predictions, that kind of stuff.

Vlad: That sounds really cool.

Ben: No it doesn’t.

Laney: Ben, just because you don’t believing in using TVs for things other than videos games, it doesn’t mean the rest of the world agrees with you.

Ben: Hey!

Vlad: So what are your favorite movies?

(Beeping noise. Ben pulls out cell phone.)

Ben: I got a text message from Jason. He just asked Sarah out on a date.

Laney: How thrilling. Christa, favorite movies?

Christa: (Slightly nervously.) Oh, you know, girl movies. Romance. Drama. That kind of stuff.

Ben: My favorite is the Notebook.

(All give him a weird look.)

Vlad: Ben, you worry me. A lot.

Laney: I’ve been really into weird drug movies recently. You Know, like Requiem for a Dream, A Clockwork Orange, or A Scanner Darkly.

Vlad: (pause) Laney, all of those movies are terrible.

Laney: No, they’re not. Just because they aren’t exactly “Olivet appropriate” doesn’t mean they’re bad films.

Christa: I really liked Winona Rider in A Scanner Darkly. They really showcased her versatility as an actress.

Ben: Yeah, but in Mr. Deeds she was kind of a whore, wasn’t she?

(All blink at him.)

Vlad: Is he allowed to say that word?

Laney: I highly doubt it.

(All of the characters minus Ben pull out their scripts and flip through them and pretend to read though their dialogue. Vlad reads from his.)

Vlad: It says that they said it in the school’s production of The Crucible so it’s ok in this context.

Laney: (as they all put their scripts away) That’s kind of crazy. By the way, Ben, great job ruining the conversation.

Ben: I think I just really like Nicholas Sparks. A Walk to Remember as a really great movie, too.

(Long Pause)

Vlad: Ben, just stop talking.

Laney: I’ve heard Children of Men was excellent, very gory and violent, but a beautiful film nonetheless.

Christa: I haven’t seen that one yet either.

Ben: We should all go see it together.

Laney: Wow, Ben that was actually a good idea for once. Good job. Later, I’ll give you a cookie.

Ben: Why would I need you to give me a cookie? They have a ton over at the dessert bar. Ooh, you could go get me one though!

Vlad: (ignores Ben entirely maybe throw in an eye-roll) Are you alright with the gore aspect, Christa? It doesn’t seem like that would be what you’re into.

Christa: Oh yeah… (Sounds nervous) No, I’m not really into gory movies, but uh, I don’t mind them or anything like that.

Ben: Vlad likes action movies. He has everything Chuck Norris has ever been in on DVD. It’s amazing.

Christa: Seriously?

Vlad: He’s an amazing man. You know he invented the C-Section? It was when he round-house kicked his way out of his mother’s womb.

Laney: (while Christa giggles) How many times must I beg you to never repeat those moronic statements?

Vlad: (grinning wickedly) You know Chuck Norris sued NBC for stealing the copyrighted names of his right and left leg? Law and Order. (Christa giggles loudly) You know what caused Russia to surrender their nuclear weapons? They watched a Delta Force marathon. (Christa laughs louder) You know how little kids wear Superman pajamas? Superman wears Chuck Norris pajamas. (Christa keeps laughing.

Laney: Oh for crying out loud, please stop.

Ben: Oh, Laney, stop pretending you don’t love it. You know Chuck Norris’ tears could cure cancer. Too bad he’s never cried.

Laney: Ben, you keep telling me you’re not an idiot, but you’ve never proven otherwise. It’s truly quite depressing in a sad, utterly pathetic way.

Ben: Really, Laney, why must you deny our love?

Laney: (frowns) Have you been watching Lifetime movies again?

Ben: (lying badly) No. Of course not. Why would any masculine man want to watch those? Ugh, they’re so trashy and womanly. Blegh.

Laney: Ben, you are the most pathetic liar in existence.

Vlad: Quit bickering you two.

Laney: We are not bickering. This is a mature, heated debate. I say he is incompetent, he denies it, and I’m trying to convince him to admit the truth. I do not associate myself with petty quarrels and bickering.

Ben: (cough) LIAR! (cough)

Christa: (laughing) Very smooth, Ben, very smooth. (smiles at them) You guys are really fun. The girls I usually sit with just complain about their weight and whine that they don’t have boyfriends.

Ben: Maybe they don’t have boyfriends because they’re so freaking fat.

Vlad: (smacks Ben upside the head) Idiot!

Ben: OW! What was that for?

Vlad: For being insensitive, you idiot! Geez!

(Beeping)

Ben: (pulls out cell phone) I got another message from Jason. (frowns) He and Sarah are engaged now.

Laney: (incredulous) Seriously?

Christa: That’s…crazy.

Ben: Crazy like a FOX!

Vlad: Ben, why do we talk to you?

Ben: I’m the plucky comic relief?

Christa: (pause) Are you quoting Galaxy Quest?

Ben: It’s great movie.

Laney: Ben, that movie was terrible.

Ben: It was not!

Laney: Yeah, Ben. That was one of the most excruciatingly painful movie-going experiences I’ve ever had the misfortune of suffering through in my life.

Ben: Oh whatever, it wasn’t as bad as that stupid Tetsuo thing Vlad made up sit through that one time.

(Christa perks up slightly)

Vlad: Hey!

Laney: You’re right, that movie was absolutely terrible.

Vlad: Hey, I liked Tetsuo the Iron Man!

Christa: You liked it?

Vlad: (curious) You heard of it?

(Ben and Laney watch in a mixture of silent shock and horror.)

Christa: There’s a trailer for it on my Oldboy DVD.

Vlad: (shocked) You have Oldboy on DVD?

Christa: Yeah, it won best picture at the Sundance film festival last year so I rented and I loved it so much I bought it.

Vlad: Wasn’t it amazing?

Christa: I loved it! It was incredible!

Vlad: What was your favorite part?

Christa: That part at the end when everything comes together and he explains why he locked the guy in that room for 15 years.

Vlad: Call me sick, but the part where he pulled the guys teeth out with the hammer claw-

Christa: Or when they were going to all of the different restaurants trying their dumplings!

Vlad: Wasn’t that crazy? Have you seen the other two in the series? Sympathy for Mr. Vengeance?

Christa: And Lady Vengeance? That one’s my favorite.

Vlad: I never would’ve pegged you as a fan of Korean film. Although Tetsuo is-

Christa: Japanese? I know. I love Japanese films. I originally liked the horror movie remakes like The Ring and The Grudge, but then I saw the originals and I really got into those, like Marebito and Battle Royale.

Vlad: Have you ever seen Suicide Club?

Christa: No, do you have it?

Vlad: Heck yes, I do!

Christa: Can we go watch it?

Vlad: When’s your next class?

Christa: I’m done for today. You?

Vlad: I have a night class so not for like, another five or six hours. Want to go watch on my laptop in Hills lobby?

Christa: Let’s go now.

Vlad: Want to go check our mail first?

Christa: Sounds good to me!

(Vlad and Christa pick up their trays and leave.)

Laney: Wow. I never would have pinned Christa as a fan of gory Asian films.

Ben: (nods) The Lord works in mysterious ways.

Laney: (frowns at Ben) What are you talking about?

Ben: (still nodding) I really don’t know anymore.

Laney: Looks like it’s just you and me.

Ben: I feel like we need to sing “Can You Feel The Love Tonight?” Do you want to be Timon or Pumba?

Laney: (contemplative) When you were a kid, you ignored those Mr. Ick stickers and drank the deadly chemicals, didn’t you?

Ben: What are Mr. Ick stickers?

Laney: (sighs in resignation) Nevermind. (glances at watch) We have Bio lab in twenty minutes. Are you ready for the exam?

Ben: We have an exam in Bio lab?

Laney: (stares silently, blinking several times before asking) How have you not flunked out yet? Seriously?

Ben: What are you talking about?

(beeping)

Ben: (pulls out cell phone) Huh.

Laney: What?

Ben: Jason sent me his and Sarah’s wedding photo. Wanna see?

Laney: (sighs heavily and takes the phone) That’s Olivet for you.

(End.)