My Turning Point

Time seemed to pass by so slowly and quickly at the same time. I felt trapped in my own little world, never to escape. No one knew the real me, not even my own parents. I hid things of which I was scared of and never wanted to face. Deep inside, I knew that I would eventually have to knock down that brick wall that stood between me and life and all of which it stood for.

Eventually, the darkness inside me was slowly being released. One person at a time, I told them of my true nature. They helped me and supported me through this hard time in my life. And I bet that they cannot even begin to understand how much they mean to me.

My day had started out just like any other day. I was a sophomore at Northgate High School. I was in my first block, French I, and the bell was going to ring in about another fifteen minutes. We were playing one of our review games. It had just started when I was called up to the attendance office.

I left my things in the classroom, expecting to be back before class ended. When I entered the attendance office, I told the woman behind the desk my name and she told me to go see the counselor. My heart stopped instantly. I somehow knew exactly what was happening. It almost felt as if my whole world had suddenly come crashing down around me.

The counselor introduced herself to me with the largest grin comfortably resting on her face. Despite her happiness and warmth, I could not relax. My heart was racing, my palms were getting sweaty, and my legs practically wobbled beneath me. I was shown to a dark brown leather chair and I hesitantly placed myself down onto it.

The entire time I was in there, I was extremely nervous. The counselor talked to me and asked me questions but my thoughts were slightly disoriented to the point were I could not really think of the right words to say. She could easily see that I was nervous so she gave me plenty of time to think and then try to respond. However, I was still at a loss for words. When I finally said something, my sentences were usually compiled of only a few simple words.

It felt like the two of us sat enclosed in that rather small room for hours. I was tense the entire time. My muscles were stiff most of the time and I sat up in the chair the whole time. To tell the truth, I do not think that my back had ever touched that leather chair’s back. It did make at least some noise when I slightly shifted around occasionally.

Once everything had been mostly discussed, I felt so emotionally drained. So many feelings had been experienced in such a short amount of time. I had laughed, cried, and everything else in between. But the part that I was most afraid of came at the end. Right before I was going to finally be sent back to class, the counselor asked for a number to reach my mother at. Once again, my heart had stopped for a second.

I do not know why, but I had somehow hoped that we could leave her out of this, to save her from having to deal with my own personal issues. But I was not that fortunate, my mom was off of work that day and so I gave the counselor my home number. Soon after, she said goodbye to me and sent me back to class.

I received a pass from the attendance woman I had briefly talked to some time ago. As I walked down the hall, I realized that I was physically shaking and that my legs were still wobbling beneath me. On top of that, I was a complete emotional wreck. All I really wanted to do was go hide somewhere and cry, but I could not.

Going into my first block class again, I found that my things had been moved to the back of the room because second block had already started. I did not know how far we were into the block though. One of my best friends was in there and she said an enthusiastic hello to me. But she soon realized that something was wrong .She asked what was up and I simply told her that I would tell her everything later.

After I grabbed all of my things, I said a silent goodbye to my friend as I exited the room. My heart was still pounding as I walked to my second block, which was Euclidean Geometry. I walked slowly and tried to take in steady, deep breaths but I was still on the edge of breaking down.

Walking silently into my math class, I gave my teacher my pass. I did not even think to see what they had checked off as my excuse. I did not care too much about it though. I sat in an empty desk and quickly pulled out my binder to pick up on the notes that we were taking.

Our class had just begun on the section that focused on circles. I copied the notes from the overhead projector, writing down words like radius, diameter, and secant as we drew illustrations to go along with them. The notes helped take my mind off of everything else, but my thoughts kept drifting as they usually did.

For the last ten minutes of class, we had nothing to do. I put my head down on the desk and tried my hardest to keep everything in, although I was about to explode. All I could think about was seeing one of my other best friends. She was one of my closest friends and probably knew the most about me compared to my other friends.

The bell rang and I raced out the door. As soon as I saw her, I could feel everything inside me start to break free. When she was within close distance, I started telling her some of what had happened. My eyes had already begun to water. Once she finally had a good grasp on what was going on and saw me starting to cry, she hugged me. We stood off to the side and I knew that people were probably staring but I did not care.

After a moment or two longer, she walked with me to my third block, which was Pottery I. I had first lunch though so that meant that I had to go to lunch right then. My friend had to go though since she had a different class and lunch as me. But before she left, she made sure to reassure me that everything would be okay. We said goodbye and I quickly put my things in my chair in the Pottery room.

I walked over to the teacher’s desk and grabbed a tissue to wipe my nose with. As I walked to the door, a girl who sat at my table walked in. “Hey Brandi,“ she said, “are you getting sick too?“ All I could do was reply with a quick no and then exit the room. As I now walked down the hall, I could tell that some of the teachers were staring at me. They knew that something was wrong.

I could only think of one person though. I always met him in the hallway, turned around, walked with him to his class, and then turned around again to head back towards the cafeteria for a second time. Once I saw him, my heart dropped for some reason.

He could almost instantly tell that something was wrong. And so I told him what had happened earlier that same morning since he already knew about my…problems. I am pretty sure that he was worried about me because I was obviously still a nervous wreck. We both had the same lunch but he usually stayed in the ROTC room instead. He went to go ask if it was okay if I stayed in that room for lunch. But people who were not in ROCT usually could not stay in there for lunch. I understood that and decided to go to the cafeteria, not wanting to cause a problem.

And so I made my way back down the hallway. It felt like the hall continued on forever in front of me. But I soon arrived at the cafeteria and talked to another one of my friends who I had already told my problems to. We were surrounded by our male friends and so we went off to the bathroom. By this time, I had finally started to calm down. So I was easily able to talk to her. She carefully listened to me and told me that everything would be alright. I could only hope at that point.

My friend and I made our way back to the lunch table and pretended as if nothing was wrong. Some of our friends asked where and why we had gone off for a little while. But we told them nothing. These were our secrets to keep. We were both fairly quiet that day and lunch seemed to be longer than usual.

The bell sounded and everyone made their way to class. I walked much slower that day. My thoughts still consumed me and yet I somehow managed to dodge my fellow students and the sporadically placed teachers. When I got into my class, I drifted around the room and lazily grabbed my things that I needed for the day.

I remember barely doing anything in Pottery that day. Listening to my music, I glazed one of my projects. I probably put at least three thick layers of glaze on it and still had extra time on my hands. I then randomly checked my cell phone. There was a missed message. My heart dropped, knowing that it was most likely from my mom.

Reading the message, I saw that it was from my sister. I was still scared but I somehow felt better. The text message had said, “Would u like to stay with me for a bit? Your sissy jules.” I quickly replied to her message. My sister had moved out into her own house and was wondering if I wanted to stay there for a while and try to let me relax. I told her no but made sure to ask her how our mom was doing. I soon got a reply, which read, “Moms good she wants to pick u up today so do not ride the bus that sound good?”

My nerves started getting to me after reading that. I mean, it meant that I would have to see and deal with my mom sooner rather than later. I think that it was for the better though. I know that I would have been a mess the entire bus ride. But I was still so unbelievably nervous to see my mom because I did not know how she would react to everything.

Pottery soon ended and I was now off to Chemistry. It was my last class of the day. One of my friends from before was in that class with me. He could tell that I was getting more and more on edge as time passed. He told me to calm done but it was not that easy for me to do. And finally, the afternoon announcements started sounding overhead. My heart jumped and I felt as if I was going to hyperventilate.

As I walked to my locker and eventually to the front of the school, my friend walked with me. He had always been there for me and I was so thankful for that. As we walked, he told me his own secret. He was the reason why I was called to the counselor’s office. I had sent him an e-mail, talking about my problems, and his mom had read it over his shoulder. She worried about me and called a local place that helped people with their problems. He told them some about me and they had told him that they would not call our school, but they lied.

I could tell that my friend felt bad. He probably thought that I hated him, but I did not. I could never hate him no matter what. We eventually walked through the front doors and stood outside with the crowd as I looked around for my mom’s car. My phone vibrated in my purse and it was my mom calling. She was here. I soon spotted her car, said a goodbye to my friend, took in a deep breath, and headed over to her car.

Opening the door, I slowly sank down into the seat. The radio was on and my mom did not say a word to me. I sat there silently as well, but because I was scared out of my mind of what was to come. We quickly arrived at my house though since we leave very close to the school. Getting out of the car, we soon entered the house.

We both stood in the dining room, and my mom just stared at me. Her eyes and expression on her face said everything. And so I finally spoke, “I don’t even know where to start.” My mind was racing. I was trying to answer any question my mom may ask me ahead of time in my head. My mom sat down and then said, “Then just start talking.” I then sat down and just let words flow out, not even registering what all I was saying.

I ended up crying, laughing, and everything else in between, just like earlier that morning. But this was different. It was so much easier to talk to my own mom, but so much harder at the same time. We talked back and forth for at least an hour or so. Everything ended up going much better than I could have ever dreamed. That is when I realized that my world had not come crashing down after all, that maybe this was my turning point. Things were going to change for the better and I knew it. I was given a new outlook on life.

Time changes everyone. Almost anyone can realize that. However, I have begun to apply that to my life. I have changed myself, reconfigured my mind-set and some of my habits since that day. I am now finally starting to feel free, like I am not afraid to be myself anymore. Not having to hide myself anymore is a huge achievement within itself. That large brick wall that had sat in front of me had now turned into a pile of rubble. All I had to do now was make my way over that and everything would be all right.