I was at my favorite bar when he approached me. I say it like it was the beginning of a heated and passionate romance and in a way, it was. But more than that, it was the beginning of my downfall.

The man that walked up to me in the bar was none other than my best friend’s fiancé, Blake and the man I was secretly in love with. He was forbidden because even though I loved him, he loved Christie.

Christie had no idea of my affections and it was better that she didn’t know why I was visiting the bar more frequently than ever, why I hated myself, and why I rejected all of the blind dates that she so blindly set up for me.

Blake was just…Blake. He was so beautiful and out of bounds that every time I saw him, it was like a punch to the stomach, and I was left gasping for air.

Blake of course, didn’t know about how I felt for him and his kindness killed me. I felt guilty for feeling this way but there was nothing I could do to stop it, no matter how hard I tried.

Blake sat on the barstool next to me and ordered a drink. I cupped mine and stared inside, wishing he would leave me alone to drown out my sorrows. He took a sip out of his cup when it came and started up a conversation. “You know, that stuff will ruin your life.”

When I think back on it, that phrase was my first warning, and now it makes me laugh much harder than I did at that time.

I just chuckled. “I know.” I finished off my drink and ordered another with my head pleasantly buzzing. But as the reason for my drinking was sitting next to me, the drink didn’t serve its real purpose, which was to make me forget Blake.

My plan for the night was to get drunk tonight and end up in the bed with some unknown man in the morning. I know it makes me sound like a whore but I was in the need of a good one-night stand. Just not the one I ended up with.

An hour or so and a few drinks later, I was pleasurably drunk and carrying on a conversation with Blake about one of the funniest jokes I’d played in high school.

I finished the story and Blake began one of his own. I wasn’t paying attention to what he was saying because his lips were hypnotizing me but I laughed anyway when he finished.

I guess he could tell that I was bored by talking because he next asked me to dance. I accepted and we made our way to the dance floor where we found a small spot to dance on.

What started as innocent dancing changed. Soon, my back was against his chest, his hands on my hips, my hands behind his head and we were gyrating. I was moving to the beat of the music and the tempo of his heart. He was moving in his pants.

In the back of my head, the sober part of me screamed at myself but I turned around anyway. Blake’s lips caught mine in a lust and passion filled kiss which I eagerly returned.

He pulled away and tugged me out of the bar and pushed me into his car. I’m ashamed to say that on the ride to his apartment, his pants were unzipped and I was unseen by any other drivers on the road.

When we got there, we made our way up to his suite as quickly as we could. He opened the door to his bedroom and I pushed him down on his bed, winking at him. I took off my top and skirt slowly to tease him. I smirked at him and removed my bra then walked over to him and sat on his lap while taking off his shirt.

We did it three times that night which I only know because of how many condoms I found and threw away. The next morning, I woke up to an empty bed and screaming coming from outside of the room.

It didn’t take me long to figure out where I was and what happened, especially as I remembered one of the times we did it. As soon as I did, I got out of the bed and searched for my clothes.

As soon as I was dressed in last night’s clothes, I peeked out of the room to see Christie throw something at Blake and storm out of the apartment. Not looking at or saying anything to Blake, I went into the bathroom and found four aspirins then went to the kitchen to make coffee.

As the coffee was brewing, I handed two of the pills to Blake and swallowed the other two. Blake was studying the table in front of him as if he had never seen it and it was the most beautiful thing in the world.

The coffee machine beeped to let us know it was done. I silently poured it into two cups and gave one to Blake. He took it and sipped at it.

After many minutes had passed, he finally spoke up. “You know, we’re going to have to talk about this.”

I sighed because I already knew what he wanted to say and I didn’t like it at all. “Ok, shoot.”

He looked up at me quickly then back at his coffee. “Ok. Um. Anna…”

I stared at him expectantly. I knew he was going to break my heart but there was nothing I could do about it. It was my fault anyway for letting it happen, even if I was drunk and had basically no control over my actions. I should have listened to myself.

He looked up again but this time, he held my gaze and quickly said, “Anna, I’m sorry about last night but I didn’t mean for it to happen.”

I’d known it was coming and had even prepared myself for it but hearing him say it was something totally different. My nose tingled and I knew tears were coming. I suddenly wanted to get out of there and not have this conversation at all.

I tried not to sob as I choked out, “Oh, ok. If that’s all, then I’m going to go.”

He looked at me alarmed and saw the tears streaming down my face.

I could tell he felt bad but that meant nothing to me because I felt worse than he possibly could have. No matter how bad he felt though, it didn’t stop him from saying, “Well, what did you possibly expect? You knew I loved Christie, you knew we were getting married.”

I sobbed.

He stood up and wrapped me up in his arms. I allowed myself to melt in his embrace for a second until he tried to apologize. When he said that, I pushed him away harshly, to save myself.

I glared at him as best I could and managed to say, “No, don’t you dare. It’s your fault you know. I’ve loved you just as long as Christie has but you didn’t notice did you? Then when you finally do, it’s to use me. All you felt was lust but that was the best night of my entire fucking life!”

With that statement, I walked out of his apartment and caught a taxi to mine where I cried while taking a shower. I ate ice cream and watched sappy romances for a few days while I gathered up the courage to go to Christie’s apartment and apologize.

When I was about to knock on her door, I hear her answering machine beep and Blake’s voice come on.

Message one of five. 5:23 p.m., Friday, January the 13th: Christie, baby, I’m sorry. I never meant to hurt you. Anna meant nothing to me. I miss you so much.

My eyes prickle with tears that I can’t keep in. I want to walk away where I can’t hear his voice. Hear how much he doesn’t love me. Hear how much I didn’t mean to him.

As I heard the next message begin, I bolted and ran all the way back to my apartment, wishing I had someone I could cry to. Too bad I’d gotten rid of my only real friend.