A/N: Yes, I am intensely, intensely weird. Enjoy, dearies. Try not to get too warped REVIEWSSSSSS!!!!!

The Enchanted Fencing Mask of D00m

Two teenaged girls, Tina and Blaire, are sitting, right, watching fencers stretching.

Blaire: I still can’t believe we’re hanging around after school to watch fencing.

(Beat. Tina doesn’t respond.)

Blaire: Tina? Tina? (Snaps her fingers in front of Tina’s face.) Tina, honey, you’re staring.

Tina: Huh? Oh. (Snaps out of it.)

Blaire: Seriously, if you wanted to stare at Michael, couldn’t you just do it in class or something?

Tina: Come on, you know we only have one class together. Plus, you get to watch Jake. That’s something, isn’t it?

Blaire: Yeah, but Jake and I are together; there’s a difference. It’s legit for me to call him and set up a date after school, or at lunch, or something. I can see him any time I want to. I don’t have to hang around after school and watch a bunch of fencing jocks for it. I don’t have to stalk him, Tina.

Tina: I’m not stalking!

Blaire: Then what are you—

Tina (cutting Blaire off): And what about watching it just for the fencing, huh? It’s an awesome sport. It’s so exciting, and it takes so much strength and discipline…

Blaire: Unlike some people, I don’t get a kick out of watching guys hit other guys with long pointy sticks.

Tina turns the glare at Blaire, before turning back to watch Michael. Silence. Finally—

Blaire: I’ve got a huge bio test tomorrow.

Tina (absently): So?

Blaire: So, I have to go home and stud—

Tina (loudly & brightly): Hi Michael!

Because Michael’s picked up a foil and moved over towards the girls.

Michael (absently): Hey. (Begins exercises with the foil, slowly going through motions.)

Blaire (quietly): Tina, stop staring.

Tina swats Blaire away, not taking her eyes off Michael. Another guy, Jake, comes over, mask under his arm, foil in hand. He waves a hello to Tina, and pulls Blaire up by one arm for a quick kiss before she sits back down.

Jake: C’mon Mike, warm up with me.

Michael shrugs yes, takes up his stance. Jake puts on his mask and does the same. They slowly go through fencing patters, and gradually begin to speed up.

Tina: Hey, Michael?

Michael: Yeah?

Tina: What made you decide to join fencing team?

Michael: Uh… (Still fencing; the bout is speeding up.)

Tina: Is it like other sports? Where you get this rush from, like, proving your superiority, coming away from a battle victorious?

Michael (speaking between panting & sword blows): Now’s—kinda—not a good—time…

Tina (oblivious): Is it hard, fencing? Do you, like, get up at 5AM every morning to train?

Michael: Tina—can you—please—

Jake’s foil makes contact with Michael’s chest.

Jake: Hah! Touché!

Michael lowers his foil. Jake takes off his mask and puts it back under his arm. Coach comes out from behind them (that is, stage left).

Coach: Jake!

Jake jumps in surprise. His foil flicks up, close to Michael’s face.

Coach: Michael! Why aren’t you wearing a mask??

Tina: He doesn’t need a mask!

Coach: And why’s that, missy?

Tina: He’s too good to—

Blaire puts her hand over Tina’s mouth, slightly apologetically. Coach ignores them, turns back to Michael.

Coach: Mask. Now. (Points to a large plastic bin, stage left.)

Michael groans and trudges over, returning with an entirely black mask. He shows it to Coach.

Michael: This was the only one left.

Coach: So? Put it on!!!

Michael sighs and resignedly puts on the mask. Cue red lights and crazily weaving spotlights. A thin layer of fog comes in. Then, the lights all but go out; Michael stands there, head bowed, and slowly raises it. A lone spotlight shines on him. Darth Vader theme plays.

Tina: That mask looks really good on you.

Michael: (Heavy Vader-esque breathing)

Tina: …Michael?

Michael: (Breathing)

Tina: Oh god, I think he’s having an asthma attack! (To Coach): Don’t you have an inhaler or something?

Coach presses an inhaler on Michael. He takes it, uses it through the mask. Lowers it slowly, and drops it. It falls with a clatter.

Coach: Pick up that inhaler! And get back to stretches, Michael!

When Michael speaks, his voice is deeper; again, Vader.

Michael: (Jedi wave) This is not the inhaler you’re looking for.

Coach (monotonously): This is not the inhaler I’m looking for. (Blankly walks away, exits left.)

Tina: (Looks at Michael, mystified.) Woah! How’d you do that? That was so amazing!

Michael: Do you question me?

Tina: No, of course not! That was… You are so cool!

Jake: Totally, man! Will you teach me how to do that?

Michael: I grow weary of your chatter.

Jake: C’mon, man. Please? We’ll be able to, like, sneak into NC-17 movies, and—

Michael (icily): I said (raises an arm and slowly half-clenches his fist; force choke), I tire of your chatter.

Jake is being choked by an invisible hand, pulled off the ground so he’s standing on his toes. Tina & Blaire look on, horrified.

Blaire: What’re you doing? Let him go! (Runs up to Michael and tugs at his hand, but accomplishes nothing. Michael whirls, knocks Blaire back; she flies backward, and lands, unconscious.)

Jake, finding himself released from the force choke, feels his throat, relieved. Then, he sees Blaire’s dead-looking body. He looks from Blaire to Michael.

Jake: I can’t believe you, man! You killed my girlfriend!

Michael: No. I am your girlfriend!

Silence. A very loooooong silence. In fact, crickets chirp. Blaire sits up, rubbing her head, and looks quizzically at Michael.

Blaire: What the hell?

More silence.

Tina: Blaire, you alright?

Blaire: Uh, yeah. (Beat.) What’s up with them? (Jerks her head at Michael & Jake.)

Michael: I have something to tell you, young one.

Jake (warily): What is it?

Michael: (Looking at Blaire) You cannot love her.

Jake: Why not?!?

Michael: She is… your sister.

Everyone is stunned. Jake staggers back and drops his foil. Michael jumps forward and takes it, stands, swings. Connect with Jake’s hand and holds the foil there. Jake screams in agony, but then stops and looks again; the foil is still resting on his hand.

Michael: Oh. Right. (Instead, jabs his sword at Jake’s eye. Jake is hit, falls, clutching his eye.

Blaire: Jake! (She runs over to him, untying her cloth belt as she goes. She ties it around his head like an eyepatch. Jake slowly stands, takes the non-wielded foil from wherever it’s been dropped and turns to face Michael. Silence.)

Jake: Arr! Avast, ye’ scallywag!

Tina: (Gets up to stand next to Blaire.) Wait, he’s a pirate now?

Blaire: (Shrugs) Must be the eyepatch.

Michael: (Still Vader) You cannot hope to defeat me.

Jake: I’m the captain of this here ship, matey, and ye’ have to answer t’me! Draw yer’ sword and fight like a man, ye’ sniv’lin’ coward!

Michael levels his foil; lightsaber swoosh. The two begin to duel again; Pirates of the Carribean theme plays. Long, heated battle; they’re evenly matched. Finally, Jake disarms Michael, and his foil goes flying. Jake points his sword at Michael’s neck.

Jake: To the sharks with ye’.

A ninja comes running out, karate-chops Jake in the neck. He stiffens and crumples. The ninja bows Japanese-style.

Blaire: Jake! (Runs over to Jake, who’s beginning to stir, and helps him up.)

Tina: You’d think she’d get a less accident-prone boyfriend.

Michael steps forward and speaks to the ninja.

Michael: I will make short work of you, you pathetic excuse for a human being.

Jake has stood now, and is standing without Blaire’s help; she backs away slowly to rejoin Tina. Jake looks a little shaky at first, but grows steadier.

Jake: This ain’t yer’ fight. Us n’ his kind (indicates ninja) have a score te’ settle.

Jake swings his foil at the ninja, who dodges easily. Again and again Jake attacks, and the ninja avoids every strike. The ninja darts forward and presses a finger at the base of Jake’s neck. Jake, again, stiffens and falls. Blaire looks at the ninja, horrified and awed.

Blaire: Who are you?

Ninja: I am ninja!

Tina (dryly): Well we can see that. Hey, will you stop killing my friend’s boyfriend please? Anyway, Michael’s gonna kick your ass. Right, Michael?

Michael: I will indeed dispose of this weakling. (He points his foil/lightsaber at the ninja. The ninja throws a shurriken at him. He staggers backwards and falls.)

Tina: Michael! (Runs over to him.) Are you okay?

Michael brushes her off and stands, faces ninja. Both stare at each other for a long moment. Then, they rip off their respective masks, throw them down, and start kissing passionately.

Tina (shocked and wounded): Michael!

Blaire (helping Jake to stand): Way to pick ‘em, Tina.

Tina glares at Blaire.

Jake: (Comes forward) Do your part to stop global warming, and save a pirate today!

Everyone stops what they’re doing and comes to form a line on either side of Jake, facing the audience.

All: Ra-men.

Blackout.