Episode #1: LLAMA

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“Okay, Jan, tell me the name of an animal.” Kat said.

“Uh…” Jan thought a moment. “A spoon!”

“Uh…An ANIMAL, Jan.” Kat pointed out.

“Oh…Jan thought another moment. This one was a very long moment. Have you ever noticed that a moment can be any length of time? So, here’s a tip kiddies, if your mom tells you to clean your room, say “Just a moment.” A moment can be a few seconds, or a few hours. Even a few years. And when she says, “I thought you said a moment!” You can say, “I did.” And go back to playing Final Fantasy.

Eventually Jan made up her mind. “A llama!”

Kat sighed and wrote down the name on a piece of paper. Bekky was looking over her friend’s shoulder at this time, and decided to point out a typo. “You spelled ‘llama’ wrong.”

“What?” Kat looked down to what she had written on the paper. It said ‘llama’. “I spelled it right.”

“No, that says ‘YAma.” Bekky corrected. “The English language is retarded. Two ‘L’s, one after the other, makes the noise of a Y.”

“I know I spelled this right, though.” Kat insisted. “And it isn’t my fault that it’s spelled this way. So therefore I did not start this argument.”

“I never said you did.”

“But you were thinking about it.”

The thing with Kat and Bekky was that whenever they had a fight, the biggest argument was who had started it. Usually when the fight was finished, Bekky would say that Kat had started it and it was all her fault, and this would start another one.

Bekky was silent a few seconds, thinking of a way to keep this thing going on. Finally she said, “You didn’t have to write it down you know.”

“But…but…” Now Kat had to think of something. “It’s Jan’s fault, she was the one who told me llama!”

“But you told me to name an animal…” Jan said innocently. Truthfully, she wasn’t really paying any attention to her surroundings…she was just like that. Some people called her Spaz, some called her Spacey or Space Cadet, but a few also called her Dory, after the fish in “Finding Nemo”.

“So, you see Kat, it all comes back to you!” Bekky said triumphantly.

“Dang it.” Ever since they started Junior High School, Bekky had been arguing more and more. And usually she would win them too. Kat and Jan got along just fine, and would be minding their own business, talking about something or other and here would come Bekky with a brand new argument and everything would fall apart.

“Well,” Jan said. “I'm curious. Is it llama or Yama?”

“Yama? That sure is funky spelling.” Bekky teased.

“Huh? How do you know how it’s spelled?” Jan asked, curious about every other thing in the room.

“Well, this story is being typed right now, and I can see the pages.” Bekky said, pointing at Dopey who was at a computer. “See? Dopey’s typing ever thing we say or do.” She then looked over Dopey’s (my) shoulder.

“Hey! Get away from me!” I said, covering the computer screen. “If you see this, you’ll know how to spell llama!”

The three other girls looked at me a moment…a loooooooong moment…they’re still looking…lalalalalalalalalalalalalalalalala. “Hurry up you creeps!” I said. “I need someone to say something.”

“But you just did.” Jan said.

“Someone other than ME!”

“What does it matter to you if we know how to spell llama?” Kat asked.

“Because then there wouldn’t be any story!” I said. “Now go do what you're supposed to do!”

“What are we suppose to do?” Jan asked, all innocent again.

“You’re supposed to go on a long and pointless goose chase to find out how to spell llama!”

“Oh…” Jan looked up at the sky. “Wouldn’t we chase a dictionary then?”

“Huh?” Me and the other two girls looked at her. “What does that have to do with any thing?”

“You said we’re supposed to go on a wild goose chase…that’s another thing that bugs me.” Jan was silent a few minutes, then said. “How can I look up at the sky if we’re in the computer lab at school?”

“I don’t know!” I said impatiently. “Just go find out how to spell llama!”

“But there aren’t any wild gooses around here.” Kat said.

“WTF?!” I looked at them.

“Yeah, how can we go on a wild goose chase without any wild gooses?” Bekky asked.\

“Geese! Geese!” I waved my arms around. Boy, are me ‘mature’. Don’t forget we’re all in the eighth grade right now. “GEEEEEEEEEEEESE!!”

“Geese, gooses, what’s the difference?” Bekky asked in her bitchy way.

“Geese is plural, whereas ‘gooses’ isn’t proper grammar.” I pointed out.

“But look at the computer screen.” Jan pointed out what I had just tried not to point out. “This is a ‘Word’ document. That means that there would be a red line under anything that is incorrect. And there isn’t any thing under ‘gooses’.”

“So what?!” I growled.

“Hey, look!” Kat grinned. “Bekky’s name is red! And Bekky, hey, look! I can make pretty red lines by saying your name. Bekkybekkybitchybekkybekky! Maho! Maho!”

“SHUT UP!” I yelled. “You haven’t even seen Paniponi Dash yet! You can’t say Maho!”

“Fine.”

“Fine.”

Fine

Fine

Fine

FINE

Once we got that out of our systems I said, “Now leave me to write your story and go out there and find me some wild geese!!”

“Gooses.”

“Whatever! Find out which one is correct!”

“Wow.” Double B was looking at my computer screen again. “You have a lot of typos… Hey! What does Double B stand for!?”

“Bitchy Bekky.”

“HEY!”

“Now go get me some geese!”

“Wait…” Jan said. “I thought we were supposed to find llamas.”

“WHATEVER! Just get me something to write about! And make it funny!”

“…Snappy…” Kat corrected. “Bosses always say, ‘make it snappy’.”

“I DON’T WANT ‘SNAPPY’!” I roared. “I WANT FUNNY! THIS IS SUPPOSED TO BE A FUNNY STORY ABOUT IDIOTS AND LLAMAS AND GOOSES!”

“Geeses.” Kat corrected again.

“GO DO SOMETHING FUNNY!”

“Hey hey!” We turned to see Jan standing on her head with plastic spoons all over her face, and her shirt was falling down, so we could see a pipe-cleaner worm crawling out of her belly button. “Funny, right?”

“No, stupid.” I said.

“Stupid…Funny?” Jan asked hopefully. “Like SpongeBob funny?”

“…yeah…maybe I’ll include it in here if you go do your job.” I looked back at my computer screen. “HOLY WACK! You’ve wasted over three pages of this entire story! Why!?”

“Because you confused us.” Bekky said.

“Actually, it was you who first pointed out Dopey.” Kat said, grinning the largest I have ever seen her grin.

“What!? That’s not true!” Double B looked at me, a questioning look on her face. “Is it?”

I reread what I had typed so far. “Yup. All your fault. Go find me some geeses and yamas.”

“FINE!” BB said

“FINE!” Kat said.

“FUNNY!?” Jan said as she put another pipe-cleaner in each ear.

“Not really.”

“Damn…”

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JOBS

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“So,” Jan asked as she pulled the pipe-cleaners out of her ears. “What did she say she wanted us to do?”

“Well, first she said she wanted us to find out how to spell llama,” Bekky counted out the things on her fingers as they walked outside the school. “Then she said to find out which was correct: Gooses or geese. Then she said to find her some llamas and geese.”

“Uh…” Kat jumped in right away to correct her. “Geeses and yamas.”

“WE ALL KNOW WHAT SHE MEANT!!” Bekky retaliated. “So, there are three jobs and three of us. Who wants to do what?”

“I’d like to…” Jan looked up at the ceiling. “…be a wrecking ball operator!”

“No, which one of the three options do you want to do?” Kat told her.

“Options? I thought you said jobs.”

“Same thing.”

“But don’t you get paid to do jobs?”

“Okay then, why don’t you consider them chores.”

“But don’t you get—“

“And your parents are too cheap to give you an allowance for your hard work.”

“Okay.” Jan smiled and was content. But then she said. “That’s another thing that confuses me.”

“What?” Bekky sighed.

“How could I look up at the ceiling if we’re outside?”

“I don’t know, I didn’t think this up, I'm just a fictional character based on a real one.”

“Fictional?”

“Not real.”

“Oh.” Jan smiled again. “I’d hate to be you.”

“We’re all fictional, dimwit.”

“Damn.” Jan frowned. “But we’re all based on real people?”

“Not really.” Kat said. “We stared out as people named Katie, Janet, and Oceana, but soon morphed into our own characters. Kinda’ strange, isn’t it?”

“Not really…But does this mean that Dopey’s fictional too?”

“No, she’s the author, the one who made us up.”

“So…she’s our mommy?”

“WTF?!” Said Bekky.

“WTF!?” Said Kat

“HUH!?” Said Jan.

“What do you mean, ‘huh’?” Bekky asked. “This was your idea that made us say ‘WTF?.”

“Yeah, but it was you sayin’ WTF that made me say HUH.” Jan said. “What does WTF mean?”

Bekky whispered into her ear.

“Oh,” Jan said. “What does fu— mean?“

“Get real!” Kat exclaimed. “You don’t know what fu—means!?”

“Nope.”

“Then we can discuss it later when Dopey writes a rated M story.”

“OKAY!”

(Dopey: I am thinking about making more stories about these three…they’re so stupid!)

“Okay, now who wants what job?” Bekky asked again.

“Job?”

“Ugh…” Kat sighed. “Why don’t we skip ahead instead of wasting more paper?”

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FEELING, BABY, FEELING!!

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“Huh?” Jan looked around. The three were in the English class room. “How did we get here?”

“We skipped ahead, remember?” Kat said. “So now we all know what jobs we have, right?”

“YUP.”

“Yup.”

“Hey.” Kat wondered. “Uh, Jan, why is your ‘yup’ in all capitals?”

“Because I said it with feeling, man!!” Jan stood up straight and proud. “FEELING!”

She calmed down, smiled, and said. “I said that will feeling too.”

Kat raised an eyebrow. “I…see…”

“Good. Now, I believe that my job is to find out which is correct: Gooses or geese.”

“Right.” Bekky said. “I have to get some llamas and geese.”

“Geeses and yamas.” Kat corrected and then said. “And I have to figure out how to spell llamas, though we already know from reading the first few pages, and then I shall prove to you and the world, ONCE AND FOR ALL, THAT I KNOW HOW TO SPELL IT! AND THAT YOU DO NOT SAY IT LIKE YAMAS!!”

“Wow…” Jan said in awe. “I’ve never said so much with such feeling before.”

“Thank you.” Kat smiled. Jan did not.

“Of course you know, THIS. MEANS. WAAAAAAAAAAAAAAARRRRRRR!!” Jan took a breath. “Damn, that wasn’t as much feeling either. I must practice.”

She turned to leave, but Bekky called, “Remember to do your job!”

“Yeah yeah yeah…” Jan waved her hand, not caring about anything but practicing for her new goal. She crashed into a door. “FEEEEEEEEEEELLLLLLLIIIINNNNGGGG!!”

“Right.” Bekky said. “This is your fault, you know.”

“How is it a fault? I thought making contests was an achievement in your eyes.”

“Hmm…you’re right. YOU GO GIRL!!”

“YAH!! FEELING!! FEELING!!”

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JAN

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Jan was muttering to her self about ‘feeling’ and how she was going to kick Kat’s ass when she suddenly remembered that she couldn’t remember what she was suppose to do, but then she remembered and realized that none of the above made any sense, so she just remembered her job.

“Now, to find out which is correct: Gooses or Geese?” She said, with not very much feeling. Then she remembered that she may as well use this as an opportunity to practice.

“Now, to find out which is correct: GOOSES OR GEESE!?” She smiled at her accomplishment.

Now, if I were to figure this out, she thought, where would I go?

The first thing that popped into her mind should’ve been ‘grammar teacher’, but it was ‘ice cream!’ instead. So she immediately set off to the ice cream store.

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KAT

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Kat was still in the English class room and was looking through the books. There wasn’t a single dictionary to be found. “What in hell kind of English class is this?!” She thought aloud.

“If you would stay awake longer than a few minutes, maybe you would know.” Kat looked up to see the teacher standing in the doorway. “Exactly what are you looking for?”

“A dictionary. Why don’t we have one?”

“Because this is English, not Grammar.”

“What difference does it make?”

“A big one. Now why don’t you try somewhere else?”

“Okay, but just one more question, what time is it?” Kat asked as she got into the hall.

“Um…” The teacher looked at her watch. “About three thirty?”

“Wrong!” Kat said and ran off.

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BEKKY

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“Okay, whatever that crazy woman said, I need to find some Geese and llamas…where the heck am I going to find those here?” She looked around at the vast forest. “Hmm… I wish there was an easier way to do this.”

“Your wish has been answered!” Said a voice from high in the sky.

“What?! Who the heck is that?! Who are you!?”

“Why, silly child, I am THE VOICE IN THE SKY! As you can see, that was said with FEELING!” The voice chuckled.

“Oh, great.” Bekky moaned. “More Feeling.”

“Why is that capitalized like a name?” The sky asked.

“Because we use it so much in this series that it’s basically a way of life now.”

“Mmm…Makes sense…” The voice in the sky was silent a second, then said. “What is it you seek?”

“Geese and llamas.” Bekky said. “It’s my job to bring two of each to my friend and creator, Dopey.”

“So,” The Voice said quietly, “There IS a god.”

“Actually, she’s just an—“

“And it’s a SHE?” The Voice was surprised. “I always thought it was a HE.”

“He is a He.” Bekky explained. “Dopey is the author and creator of this series. She’s typing up and/or writing down everything we say and do at this very moment. We’re all fictional characters. Now, can you get me two geese and two llamas or not?”

“Sure, if you will take me to our God.” The voice agreed.

“Sure, whatever.”

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JAN 2

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Jan was just walking out of the ice cream shop when she remembered what she thought she had remembered forgetting only to remember it again! Gooses! She must complete this task if she wished to meet Kat’s challenge!! AUGH!!

Jan quickly ran back to the school and into…The front door, which was locked. Locked!? How could it be locked!? School wasn’t over for another half an hour! OMIGOD!!

“Yes?” Jan heard the voice and felt the presence. She slowly turned to see who had answered to her plea of OMIGOD.

Standing a few yards away from her was a small, yellow bird on the concrete. It spoke again. “Didn’t thou call for me?”

“W-who are you?” Jan whispered. She was too amazed to but any FEELING into her words.

“Why, silly girl, I am GOD.” The bird held out its wings, waiting for applause. When none came, the bird sighed. “Ah, go figure. No one ever believes me.” It turned to fly away, but Jan called to it.

“Please, oh great One. Will you answer my humble question?” Jan bowed with her head on the concrete of the stairs, before falling down them and landing on the bird. “Oh jeez, sorry!” She quickly got off before sitting down again. “Will you?”

“If I can.”

“But I thought you said you were God, doesn’t God know everything?”

“Sure, I know everything. But that doesn’t mean I can answer all the questions in the world. There are rules, thou knows.”

“Why are you talking with that funny word? Thou. And you’re using it wrong too.”

“Okay, sometimes when I feel down I sort of revert to the Old Speech, and it’s been so long since I’ve used it, that I mess it up, okay? Now, what is your question?”

“Oh, great God of my fathers…and mothers…and greatgrandmammas and papas…and all of my other relatives, Anny, Benny, Sue, Mary Jane, Mary Lue, Mary Sue, Mary, Sarah, Sarah Plain and Tall, Billy Bob, Billy Bill, Billy Jane, Aunt Susan—“

“Just ask your question,” the bird said as he rolled his eyes. “I’m a very busy God, you know.”

“Sorry.” Jan said, blushing. “Which one is correct, Gooses or Geese?”

“Geese. I do not know why it says that Gooses is correct, this is a ‘Word’ document, and it should be under lined in red, shouldn’t it?”

“I guess so.” Jan shrugged. “So, geese is the correct one?”

“Yes, my child.”

“Thank you.” Jan said again, bowing. This time she bonked her head on the concrete and knocked her self out. “Ooooooooooh….”

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KAT 2

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Well, Kat finally located a dictionary, and it was after several hours of flipping through the pages, that she suddenly realized her problem. A dictionary is for finding out the definitions of words, and to do that, you needed to know how to spell it!!

“OH MY GOD!” She groaned as she sat back in her chair.

“Yes?”

She turned around to see a large, red salamander looking at her. “What do you want?”

“You called for me. I am GOD.” The salamander didn’t hold out its hands like the bird, it just stared at Kat blankly. “What is it you seek?”

“What does the word ‘llama’ start with?”

“L.”

“One or two?”

“Two.”

“Thank you.”

“That all?”

“Yup.”

“IS THAT ALL?”

“YUPYUPYUP!!”

“Cheerio!” Then the salamander poofed away in a cloud of smoke.

“Thank you.” Then, just to be on the safe side, Kat looked the word up in the dictionary. And the salamander had been right.

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GOD

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I was hard at work on finishing this story when the door to the computer lab was thrown open and in walked Double B, followed by a piece of the sky.

The sky stopped when it saw me, and said, “My GOD.”

“What?” I looked around, “Is there something on my face.”

Then, answering my question, Bekky told me that the sky thought I was God.

“Oh.”

“Yes, you are indeed my creator and God.”

“No, not really.”

Just then, Jan and Kat came in with a yellow bird and salamander that were fighting over something or other.

“I’m God!”

“I’m God!”

Was the only sound they made.

“No,” said the sky. “We are all fictional characters, this is our creator and God.”

“Well, she made me God.” The bird said.

“No, she made me God.”

“Oh, for the love of God—“ I began.

“What will you do for MY love?” Both the animals asked.

“Hey, sky,” Bekky said. “Our deal?”

“Oh, yes.” The sky expanded and out of it dropped two geese and two llamas. “Now that you have a male and female pair of each, I suggest you begin making that ark of yours.”

“WTF?” Bekky said.

“HUH?” Jan said.

“Oh, don’t start this again.” Kat said.

“And let me tell you all something.” I said. “I am your creator, but not your God…The bird and salamander aren’t gods either, they’re just insane, and crazy so they think that. That is how I made them.”

“Oh.” Jan looked up at the sky and the ceiling at the same time. “Makes sense.”

“Does it?” Kat asked.

“So, what did you girls find out about llamas?”

“The correct spelling is…ah, shit! I forgot!” Kat said.

“The correct spelling is L-L-A-M-A.” I said, “I’ll give you that free point because you all worked so hard. Now, it’s time for the end of the episode, you all know what to do!

They all gave me blank looks.

“What?” I reread the pages. “Oh shitake! I forgot to give you a theme song!”

“OH MY GOD.” Bekky gasped. “We’re the only characters without a theme song!” She began balling as the two animals asked her what she wanted. “Even,” she said through tears. “Even Eggyman has a theme song!”

“Well, I’ll figure that out once I get this story posted.” I promised. “Now, this is all for now folks!”

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Eggyman and all characters from ‘The Adventures of Eggyman’ belong to RandoMaia