I’m sleeping,
dreamless and fitful.
I can feel the tugs of them,
the ones who I let in too deep.
Their wants are reaching for me,
pulling me in a few dozen directions.
And before I know it,
I’ve lost who I am
in who they want me to be.
And I’m not sure if what I want for myself
is what I want for myself.
Or just my desire to fulfill the destiny
they laid out for me.

And it’s a sweet surrender
to forget the name you gave yourself
and replace it with the one that they
branded on your forehead.
And it’s a sweet surrender
to give in to the pressures of your world
and let go of the self you thought you knew
to satisfy them.

Hide my bruises beneath a purity flag
signal my surrender
and let them overtake me

I’m drifting,
hazy and fading.
I can hear the deafening voices,
the ones that invade my skin.
Their words are reaching for me,
pulling my thoughts in a few dozen directions.
And wouldn’t you know it,
I can’t remember the girl I used to miss.
And I’m uncertain, shaking loose my sanity
and shaking loose my heart
until there is nothing inside me anymore
except something hollow.

And it’s a sweet surrender,
to forgive those that destroyed you,
replacing hate with something fake
just to keep the peace for another moment,
and it’s a sweet surrender,
to fall into theirs hands as mud
and let them mold you into what they want
and ignore your screams for solitude.

Wipe the tears with a dirtied flag
and signal my surrender, my decline.
Let the loss claim me.

Finally a numbness
Finally a dumbness
maybe then I can forget
that I gave myself to this fate.
Can I forgive my heart for satiating them by erasing myself?
It’s so nauseating to crumple into their eyes.
And lose my mind inside their commands.
Can I forgive my mind for helping them in self-destructing?

And it’s a sweet, sweet surrender,
to ignore the callings of your heart,
recalling their words until you hear nothing else,
nothing but your demons,
And it’s so sweet a surrender,
to give your soul to the first that demand it
never looking back to your own thoughts,
never looking in the mirror and seeing yourself.

Wrap myself in the purity flag
bury myself in this surrender, this self-betrayal.

And it’s a sweet surrender
to forget the name I gave myself
and replace it with the one that they
branded on my soul.
And it’s a sweet surrender
to give in to the pressures of my world
and let go of the self i thought i knew
just to satisfy them

Hide my bruises beneath a purity flag,
and signal my surrender to the enemy.
Overtake me. I beg you over take me.

Because I could not breathe without you telling me how to anymore.