From me to you

Matthew

I’m sorry.

I’m so, so sorry.

My smile doesn’t fit,

My shape doesn’t fit,

In the puzzle we made from hopes and dreams.

I don’t belong in that world.

Your world.

Ricky’s world.

Jenni’s world.

It belongs to you,

And you to it.

Where am I? My place? My soul is…

Somewhere.

Nowhere.

Between somewhere and nowhere, maybe?

Sowhere?

Nomewhere?

I want to smile, Katy,

And it hurts that I can’t.

Remember when Sophie told me,

That Old Blues seemed to break my heart?

I laughed.

You couldn’t see it, from my face, and the silence, but I was laughing.

I was laughing so goddamned hard.

‘What heart?’ I was thinking.

‘You think living in suppression,

Condemnation,

Can build a heart?

A heart that breaks to the sound of Old Blues?

Show me.

Show me.

I need to see this miraculous, something-from-nothing,

Perfect fucking heart.’

I want to rewind,

Or maybe go forward,

To my birth,

Or to my death.

Or maybe to my fifth birthday when Tyrone puked on the stairs,

Or to last Saturday when we danced under the stars.

The dirt was our dance floor,

The silence our music.

It was so beautiful, Katy.

I wasn’t really part of it,

But it was just so beautiful.

Remember,

Every time we brushed against one another,

As we danced,

We would say,

‘I love you’.

Did you notice I never joined in?

I never said ‘I love you’.

Why couldn’t I?

God; I wanted to so bad,

But the words wouldn’t come.

So now, I’ll tell you, I’ll say it,

I love you.

I love you so much.

Life is good,

The grass is green,

The sun is shining,

These smiles are sweet,

So why am I unable to feel it?

The sun on my skin?

The sweetness of smiles?

The grass doesn’t feel good under my fingers.

I’ll wander, you’re right,

Over the grass,

The sunlit paths,

The hot coals,

The needles.

So I cry?

So I smile?

When did you start wanting to help?

It looks like you always have.

For some

Sick

Twisted

Reason

I can’t say that I appreciate it.

I mean, I can write it,

But I can’t manifest it into words I can speak.

It’s just like the ‘I love you’s I couldn’t say,

The ‘never’s I want to scream,

The ‘I want’s I need to whisper.

Just whisper.

It hurts that I can’t say them,

It hurts that I can’t shout them,

It hurts that I can’t whisper them,

But I can’t because I love the people I need to say these things to.

I will wander.

I won’t be held down,

Because for some reason…

I don’t want to.

I want this weird, distorted freedom,

To wander.

Sorry.

0000

Hi. This is Matthew's reply to Katy. Have you noticed that he doesn't say 'don't worry about me' or that he'll 'win the fight' in this one? He's starting to crack. I don't know how many of his friends are going to write to him but I hope that in the end he will be able to admit everything and maybe find the strength he needs. It was just bravado before. God; I love Matt so much. I want to give him a hug...

Thanks loads.

Xx the Berserker xX