Title: Going Back Into the Closet

Rating: PG-13

Warnings: slash/ homosexuality, touch of het

Genre: Humour, Romance

Summary: He still can't figure out if he's gay through choice, but its not something that worries him anymore. Slash

He guesses that there was never very much doubt in those who knew him. To do this day he's still not quite sure if he's gay because he's made a conscious and valid life decision, an outward expression of his deep and meaningful inner soul that manifests as an urge to kiss other men, or whether because everyone around him was so damn certain that he was.

Don't get him wrong. He's not saying that its a bad thing, that there is anything he'd rather be. He's not even saying its a worse thing that his family have been so obnoxiously supportive of what they perceive as his own choice, and he's definitly not disputing that there is some comfort to this certainty.

He's just saying that he'd like to experiment a little. With a girl. And he knows his mom will hug him, and have a little talk explaining that its okay, she'll never reject him for being a bit pink, and that she doesn't want him in denial because he thinks that his family will hate him for it. He knows his father will ruffle his hair, and say something awkwardly about them going to a football game together, or perhaps karaoke (he can feel the thoughts- surely gay boys like karaoke,) just to show how supportive he is of his eldest son's decision. His sister will glare daggers at whatever girl he brings home, and like a minature version of their mom, she'll do something sweet like tell him his choices are fine.

That's what their reaction will be, rather disbelieving that he could show any interest in a girl, believing that he's sinking into denial, backing into a closet that he was never in.

He's not quite sure how this all happened. He thinks it was on his thirteenth birthday, and Andy came round, and a bunch of others. They did things that back then, seemed cool enough to fit his new teenage status, like hang out at his house and play video games, and look at stuff on the internet, giggling and nudging each other with more than macho enthusiasm, though to be honest the girls were ugly, and he couldn't see the point. He was hot with embarassment the whole time, dreading his mom walking in with snacks, and perhaps guessing what they were up to, and he just wasn't in the mood.

Looking back, he doesn't think any of them were, because that was just about the last they ever looked at that stuff in a group like that. At thirteen he changes, he does remember that quite distinctly. Perhaps he started to grow up a bit, though he chafed in annoyance at the fact that his mom wouldn't let him dye his hair, or though he would deny it to high heaven, that she insisted on clothes shopping with him. It was in between the David Bowie phase and the manga obsession that stole his life one summer, that he finally began to realise it. It was innocuous. They were eating dinner, and his mom spoke up. "When are you going to bring that nice boyfriend of yours back?"

He'd dropped his fork, and his mouth remained open in stupified silence. When finally humiliated beyond all belief he'd managed to reply, his words seemed to make no difference. "Mom I don't have a boyfriend."

She'd placed a hand reassuringly on his arm. "Sweetie I am so proud of you for making your own choice, and you know we'll always be there for you whatever happens. I thought Alex seemed a lovely boy." Then she'd looked at him all expectantly.

Alex was a new arrival, just moved to their city, and so maybe he thought he was good-looking, a-a-and nice, and he had great taste in music (he looked orgasmic as he listened to Bowie, and he at least managed to tap along to Iron Maiden,) but that didn't mean he wanted to do whatever gay-boys did in the privacy of their rooms, and it wasn't like he'd ever thought of that before, and definitely not about Alex. Or if he had, it had only been fleetingly, and his family weren't mind readers as far as he knew. "I've only known him for a bit," he stuttered, and thus the fallacy was born. That he was gay, and that Alex his best friend was his lust object.

He didn't know how it got around, but when he tried to ask a girl out on a date, she'd stumble over her words, and if she was nice, she'd claim she couldn't make it, and if she was not so nice, then she'd sneer and walk off. One had even accused him of wanting a beard. He hadn't even known what a beard was, and had walked around scarlet with humiliation for a week after he'd found out. Then Alex had heard, and when they were playing Halo he'd leaned over, and sort of kissed him. It was only a sort of kiss, because the drinks were in the way, and his hand was on the controller, but it was a kiss for all that. One thing led to another, and when his mother walked in, though the clothes were still in place, they were definitely disarranged.

That night his father and mother had had a little talk with him, the sort that he wanted desperately to tune out, but couldn't quite manage it, and ending with the by now inevitable speech of support and love and trust, even if they did set ground rules like no sex until he was properly sixteen, and even then not in the house, nor where they'd ever get to hear of it, which was fair enough really. After that, any chance of a girlfriend went out the window, especially when Alex was near, because there were two types of girls. The ones to whom the mention of homosexuality caused utter revulsion, and the thought of kissing a guy who had done questionable things with said mouth impossible. Then there were the ones who thought that nothing in the world could be cuter than him and Alex going at it during school hours, and who had immediately designated them the hottest couple in the school, and they were more likely to try and film him and Alex kissing, than kiss him themselves, like the freaky blond who had offered them thirty pounds to make out in front of her.

It wasn't like Alex wasn't more than enough for him, and he did thoroughly enjoy what they did together, especially the part where Alex made him moan, and perhaps made this sound Alex made himself that drove him utterly mad, and he could just feel what was happening to them. It wasn't like he didn't find his boyfriend attractive, that he didn't fantasize about perhaps actually consummating what had begun with a kiss, he just wanted to know what it felt like to kiss a girl.

Which was how he ended up on a Friday night with some girl called Jessie hanging around his neck, trying awkwardly to smash her lips against his, and all he could think about was how he'd much rather be playing a video game with Alex, than doing this. It was a friend's party, and he'd invited him, Alex couldn't make it because of a family dinner, and he'd decided that tonight was the night, he was going to do something that he really shouldn't. He was going to kiss a girl. This one actually. She came from a different school, she was pretty, blond hair down her back, nice chest, great legs, looked absolutely nothing like Alex who was tall, dark and gorgeous. Jessie had his head, and was tugging it down. "C'mon," she slurred, and it seemed like she could pull drunk off. So he kissed her, tasting cherry and glitter. It was sweet and clung to his lips, long after the brief kiss had finished. She dived right back in, and he almost shrieked with shock because her tongue was pushing at his lips, and dammit couldn't he be dominant in any relationship?

He pushed her away, and she teetered on high heels. "You really are gay?" she said accusingly. He nodded, and she swore at him.

He sighed. Looked like there was no room back in that closet.

David Bowie and Iron Maiden both English. Same goes for my spelling- colour instead of color etc.

The age of consent for sex in England is 16 years old, and since they are English that’s what they are. Just in case of squick issues.

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