A Warning to the Public

While watching the news or reading the newspaper, informed citizens will ignore the mundane tales about the latest murders and laws in favor of the ever important reports on the ongoing of celebrities. What does it matter if Guantanamo Bay is in Cuba or India when the tabloids lay out the cold, hard facts of Brittany Spears’ illicit love affair with a vampiric alien from another dimension? And I’m sure everyone will agree that Bigfoot’s newly founded satanic cult has more truth to it than North Korea’s supposed nuclear weapons. It is very fortunate that those who gossip know not to believe everything they read.

It is a well known fact that celebrities are superior people in every way and that everyone else should strive to be like them. Some jealous people would say that some are utter morons, but they cannot fool the wise. All celebrities are exceptionally intelligent and are not privy to only the most obscure truths. In all honesty, what use could anyone possibly have for knowing the location of Australia? If Brittany does not know where it is, then surely it is not important. Yes, pop-stars and actors are far better than the rest of us, and we should make it our business to emulate them. And what better way to do this than through a careful study of material brought to the public by fine reporters such as those at Access Hollywood. As everyone knows, the best technique for ignoring one’s own personal drama is to focus on someone else’s.

As everyone knows, it is never a good idea to become caught up in someone’s fantasy world. One should always be able to separate fact from fiction. People should be very careful to avoid the lies written in newspapers and instead read such respected and factual publications as People magazine and World Weekly News. After all, these periodicals strive to record the truth, the whole truth, and nothing but the truth, so help them God.