Walking Dreams

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I'd been thinking about him for days. Usually I could push him out, drown the memory of speaking with him with school work, writing, but the last few days the memories had been pushing themselves in.

I'd be sitting in class thinking of sleep and summer, and then there we were laughing with friends, and playing beach volley-ball. I'd be eating supper and then there he'd be, smirking shyly and not letting me forget the many pointless walks through town. In the middle of a conversation he was there standing quietly on the outside staring shyly at the ground.

So many things I remember that I doubt even he knows he did and does. School changes things, life changes things, feelings change things, distance changes things, a pathetic personality changes things.

I kick myself for not making the extra effort with him, for not making myself brave embarrassing situations to see him. We're all socially disabled somehow non?

Oui.

But normally I can kick him out, forget about the past, the adolescent past when things would have been so much easier. Normally I'm strong, one tough damn cookie, but this wasn't a normal week. This was a wrecked week, a wrecked week of wishes.

Wishes that we all know won't come true because no matter how fast you fly around the world, opposite its rotation, time cannot reverse itself Superman.

Dreams that we all wish could happen in reality, the perfect life that our subconscious knows we want. Good friends, the gorgeous boyfriend, the picture perfect, happy life. The life that no-one seems to realize they have until they've lost an important part of it. The life that I hope I never take for granted.

Envy. Envious of those around me with the Hansel and Gretel lives of “perfection”, lives that I don't even want.

I was sick and tired of him in my head. Sneaking his way back in when all I wanted was him out. All I wanted was to forget about him, move on, find someone who I could share myself with, thoughts, dreams, ideas, hopes, oddities, imperfections, everything. It wasn't him. It couldn't be him. It can't be him... Sick and tired of the effort it took to let go... a lot more than it takes to hold on.

Walking through the halls to my blissfully impersonally decorated locker, the smiling group normally surrounding it grinned even wider and stepped apart to reveal him. Taller and more good-looking than the many memories. All the insecurity, the anger, faded for a moment as I allowed myself a girlish squeal of delight, untypical of me, and ran into his arms.

Hugs. Hugs are a great thing. They're a safety net and a loving circle all at once, they're comfort personified, and this hug was one I'd secretly been missing for a long time. Being held tightly and just enjoying my head pressed against his chest, I noticed his smell and smiled. Comfort, sometimes it's nice just to accept the things that you've been pining for and enjoy them.

Smiling and feeling it in my toes for the first time in days, I left my insecurites in the forgotten area of my mind, and pulled him off to lead him around to meet the crowds. And the clanging of dishes opened my eyes.

"PANCAKES!"

Back. In the real world. Sighing, storing, forgetting, remembering. Remembering my insecurities, my shyness, forgetting the feeling of happiness comfort, storing the memory of my Walking Dream. Storing it in the back where I wouldn't be able to remember, to pine, to inflict pain upon myself.

That’s what he should stay, a memory, a smiling memory encouraging me on my way. But he can't. He keeps coming back, coming back to smile and entice.

All I can say is:

It's killing me inside to keep thinking about you when I know you don't think about me half as much. It's hurting me to know that my thoughts keep coming back to you, and that I don't have the guts to tell you. It's angering me that you don't notice my pathetic attempts. Pathetic, pathetic, pathetic!

I don't even know what I want. I want you only to know that I care. I think I care, I know I care. Anything else would sound corny, untrue, overembellished.

All I can hope is that you will somehow read this and know that I care, through my weaknesses and imperfections, I do care. That's all I can hope, that you will know and smile and tell me you aren't only a

Walking Dream