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Arghhh…light,
Was the first thought that came to my mind when I peaked my black-rimmed eyes open.
And then it was a long string of curses, ones that I will shy away from actually saying.
“Aw look, she’s awake. Wakey wakey Laeeeenaaaaa!”
The second thought I had?
I’m going to kill Eliza.
Slowly, yet painfully, I sat up in bed covering my face with my hands and saying over and over, “Close the blinds!”
Eliza giggled, “They are closed. And just for the record, you are still getting individual lectures from all three of us. What are perverted piranhas anyway? You kept murmuring that last night. Very odd, you are. Soooooo, tell me about Max. He is so cute. Too bad he’s gay though.”
Cautiously, I opened one eye at a time and then bravely pulled my hands away and looked at Eliza, “Gay? What are you talking about? Max’s not gay.”
She looked at me with an odd face that said “Did you really just say that, or am I hallucinating?” and then a face of concern took over. “Oh I see. You’re in denial.”
“Wha-“
“It’s okay Laena. I understand-“
“No I’m not. What are you talking-“
“Max is a nice guy. He’s good looking, has an adorable accent, and great taste in clothing. And-“
“About. I am not in denial!”
“Laena, I realize this may be hard for you, especially since you probably haven’t been shagged in months and your boyfriend broke up with you, but admitting you have a problem is the first step to a healthy-”
“I broke up with him.”
“Recovery. I really care about you and-“
“Hold on. You talk about Max as if he’s a drug or something. I am not addicted to him-“
“And I would hate to see you suffer-“
“Even if I was, I wouldn’t want to recover-“
“Anymore than you already are. The break up with Timothy was hard on you-“
“Would you-“
“I get it. But it’s time to move on. Max-“
“STOP!” I shrieked quickly before she could squeeze anything else in.
Eliza took a deep breath, “Is gay.”
Sighing, I held my head in my hands, trying to lessen the pounding. Looking up, I raised an eyebrow at my best friend, “Why do you think Max is gay?”
“Well, as I explained if you had been listening,” she continued as if she were talking to a five year old, “He dresses quite nicely and-“
“That is no reason to think that he is-“
“Laena, tell me please and be honest, what does his hair smell like?”
Confusingly, I looked at Eliza and waited for her to say “just kidding” in her high voice. She did not. I stumbled out of my bed and pulled on some jeans. As I slipped a tank top on I said, “Why is that important?”
“Just tell me already.”
Rolling my eyes I answered her, “It smelled like vanilla.”
Smiling as if she had already won the argument, she bounced onto my bed in her miniskirt and small spaghetti shirt. Needless to say, her skirt should’ve been longer and her shirt was two sizes too small. But being used to her style, I wasn’t bothered by it as some girls would be. “Exactly, and how many straight guys have hair that smells like vanilla, nonetheless, hair that smells fruity or just good?”
Licking my lips, I pursed them and tried to think of someone. “Umm, well you know. I’m sure there are plenty of guys out there like…” Trailing off I glanced at her. Her victorious smile irritated me, but after some minutes of trying of think of someone, I came up empty handed. “I refuse to think that Max is gay-“
“Oh he is,” Austin said, strutting in with an apple in his hand, “I’m sure of it. Daniel is too, aren’t you?”
From the other side of the room I heard a grunt that I assumed was a yes. Why did everybody agree with Eliza? And how come every time I began a sentence I was interrupted by somebody? It was becoming aggravating!
Combing my fingers through my hair, I rolled my eyes, “Who the hell asked you?”
“Nobody, but everybody wants my opinion.”
I snorted unattractively (like I cared if I was attractive or not around the Creature) and stared at the apple in his hand, thinking of how I would love to throw it at his head multiple times. Austin, seeing my glare, smiled. “Now, now Laena didn’t your mother ever teach you that thinking evil thoughts was just as bad as doing them?”
“Ha, you shouldn’t be talking. Did you ever think about that when you were lusting over every girl and then shagging all of them over the week? I think not. You’re just as likely to go to hell as me. Actually I’m sure you will be. So see ya there bucko.”
“Just because you were a prude in highschool and I actually had a sex life doesn’t mean that-“
“You guys,” Eliza interrupted. Finally, it wasn’t me who kept getting cut, “Just relax-“
However Austin wasn’t done with his little tirade and he kept on, “No, that’s not it, is it? You weren’t a prude. You’re probably still a virgin because nobody wants you to open up yours legs for them-”
“Austin!” Eliza shouted. This time though, he didn’t say anything else. He just stood there.
Shocked by his harsh words I stared at him, not sure what to say, but then as the seconds passed and the silence continued, my anger began rising. But before I could respond Austin said, “By the way, Eliza and Daniel were worried about you last night and we had to search for you. Instead of wasting other people’s time, next time tell them where you’re going.”
Daniel, apparently up, alert, and having heard our argument put his two cents in and shouted in agreement. Austin looked intently at me for a few seconds before storming out and slamming the door behind him.
Angrily, I stormed into my bathroom and proceeded to attack my teeth furiously with a toothbrush as Eliza, amusingly, watched. After I was done and my gums ached, I began scrubbing my face raw, not once but twice, pulling on my lip ring and causing me to shriek in pain. Who did he think he was? He didn’t know anything about me and to just assume that I was a virgin because nobody wanted me to open up my legs for them was…stupid. I sighed. Not only had my gums, face, and lips been affected by my anger, but apparently my vocabulary had too.
“So are you done attacking your face?” Eliza chirped. I hated how happy she was trying to be. As if nothing Austin had said had been rude when in fact everything that came out of his mouth was…rude!
Throwing my towel down, I turned to face Eliza. “Why did he get so angry? I was just pushing his buttons like I normally do. What was so different from the other times?”
Eliza, pulling her miniskirt down thought before replying, “Because you’ve never talked about his personal life. Maybe talking about his sex life when he was in high school was too personal. You hit a nerve obviously.”
For the first time in a long time, something that Eliza said had actually made sense. “But still, to attack me about my sex life and to say all of those mean things?”
“Isn’t that what you did?” She asked oh so innocently. I opened my mouth but stopped. “That was different.”
“How so? Really Lae, you are both adults now. It’s time to act like it.”
Staring at her I couldn’t help but think that I liked the clueless Eliza better than the smart one. I shrugged my shoulders, “You’re right.”
“So what are you going to do?”
I looked up at her again, “I’m not saying sorry if that’s what you mean. But I am going to take his advice and tell you where I’m going. I’ll be with Max around the hotel. My cell will be on and I’ll be back later on tonight. Mmmkay?”
Disappointed she said, “You need to say sorry though. Both of you do.” However, as I stood there looking at her blankly, she knew that that would not be happening. “Fine. But why are you going to be out all night with Max? Isn’t that a little long?”
Turning my back to her I bit my lip before answering, “I’m not going to be with him all night. Just a couple of hours and then I’ll be out.”
Knowing what I meant by “out,” Eliza clasped her hands together worriedly, “No Laena. No, please don’t do this. Come on, you were doing so well. Please don’t.”
Choking back tears, I replied, “I’ve got to Eliza. You know I have to. Anyway, don’t worry about me. I’ll have my cell on though if you need to reach me, okay?”
Before she could protest any longer, I dashed out of the bathroom, grabbed my jacket and purse, and left the hotel room. As I stepped out into the bar I relished the familiar atmosphere and longed for a drink. I held myself back nonetheless. From the other side of the room, Max waved me over and I settled comfortably into a chair next to him.
“Hello darling!” Max exclaimed. He looked nice in a blue t-shirt and dark wash jeans. Actually, nice was an understatement.
I smiled in return and the next couple of hours were spent talking about all sorts of things. I didn’t touch a single glass of alcohol. I was proud of myself, but I knew that after I left the bar, things would change. As our time came to an end, I rounded up all of my courage and asked, “Max…are you gay?”
He chuckled and didn’t seem bothered by the question at all, “Yes, did you not realize that when you met me? It’s quite obvious darling.”
Shrugging I murmured, “I guess I missed that while I was flirting with you.”
He smiled and pulled me into a hug, “It’s okay. I’m flattered that such a beautiful girl like you would like a guy like me.”
I pulled away and laughed, “I should’ve known-especially after I won two rounds in a video game. And your hair smells like vanilla.”
Max chuckled, nodded in agreement, and pulled out his cell phone. “Well darling, I am leaving today so give me your number and I’ll give you mine, so we can keep in touch. I have a feeling that we are going to be great friends, and that you’ll need to talk to me.”
After swatting numbers, we gave long goodbyes, gave each other kisses on one another’s cheeks, and I exited the bar feeling that I had made a life time friend. Yet, as I went down the stairs into the parking lot, got into my car, and went to the mall, only sadness surrounded me. I knew that later on that night, I’d be swallowing my favorite sin, one glass after the other.
At the mall, I bought a couple of cute shirts, a pair of lime green converse, and some jeans. Afterwards, I saw a scary movie that literally had me jumping in my seat and wishing that I had picked some atrociously disgusting romance movie.
I got into my car and drove to a nightclub. It was 11:00 o’clock and the clubs were just starting to get packed.
When I entered, the bittersweet smell of sweat and alcohol mixed together made my body tingle and nerves jittery, waiting in anticipation. I danced with everybody it seemed like-crushing my body against theirs, trying to get as close as possible, chasing after a rush. Grinding against every guy, I began drinking like crazy.
Glass after glass of my first true love. Lights swirling, dancing sloppily now, I screamed in drunken happiness. Everything was spinning and the colors only made me go faster and faster. Hands grabbed me around the waist for another grind and I let them. I let them kiss me and touch me and I took every glass they offered. Over and over, I asked for my first true love in a cup; chasing after the feeling. And oh, it made me feel so good. So alive, like I could do anything. Nothing mattered. Just that feeling.
Something or someone tugged at my hand. I looked up and grabbed a hold of their shoulders, steadying myself. His breath smelled like mints and he was decent looking. Two things that I must admit I had trouble getting when I was drunk. He tugged at my hand again. What was his name again? Shane? Sam? It didn’t matter though. All that mattered was the fact that he paid for every drink I wanted. Pulling me towards the exit, I followed him and held onto my jacket and purse loosely. When he pulled up to his apartment and told me to get out, I did so. When we got up into his apartment and began taking off my clothes, I let him.
And all that I kept thinking was, At least he’s nice. At least he’s decent looking. At least he’s nice. At least he’s decent. I tried to tell myself that it was alright. That I didn’t mind how he kept moving up and down on top of me. Afterwards, I laid there in his bed-everything spinning. He looked at me, disgusted, and threw my clothes at me; he told me to get dressed and leave. I did, but not before he threw some cash at me. Not bothering to pick it up, I walked all the way back to the club. By then, I was sober enough to drive. I sped all the way to hotel.
As I opened the door to the hotel room, I noticed Eliza sitting up in bed, waiting for me. She opened her mouth to say something, but I shook my head and fell into bed, letting sleep envelop me.
"Sshhhh, it's okay honey. It's okay."
Crying harder I screamed, "No it isn't. It's never going to be okay. It's never going to be okay."
Mucho love,
Sapphire