Soundtrack to this chapter: “Street Lights” by Kayne West, “Closer” by Kings of Leon, “With Light There Is Hope” by Princess One Point Five, “Off I Go” by Greg Laswell, “With the Notes In My Ears” by Peter Broderick, and “Everything” by Lifehouse.

Chapter Thirteen: Love Is Pain, Love Hurts...Love Fails

by: Secretive

a wise girl kisses,
but doesn't love,
listens,
but doesn't believe,
and leaves,
before she is left...
- Marilyn Monroe

Rosaline's Point of View

I've had two dads in my life and they both left. Usually when I tell this to people, I say it in an offhand way, like it doesn't really matter. Like it could never really bother me. I tell them about my dads when they ask me why I've written men off, displaying this part of my life to them to let them know that it could never really hurt me. I tell them about my two dads so that they can understand why I never will see the need to have a man in my life. And...and when I say this to people it somehow makes me feel empowered. The fact that I am announcing my pain to them, shoving it down their throats with a composed expression on my face, it makes me feel strong. Strong because it makes them think that I don't feel that pain, and that is almost as great as not being able to feel it.

However, that's not the case.

I've had two dads in my life and they both left. My real dad, my biological dad, left because of me. He was fine when it came to Jeremiah, he loved the idea of a family when it was just the one son. But Mom wanted another kid and she was so excited when she found out she was pregnant with me and she thought that my dad would be too. Understandable belief since she had always thought he had been kidding about the one child rule. He hadn't been. He flipped out on her and got even more pissed off when he felt like she was making him out to be the bad guy. When he figured out he couldn't browbeat her into terminating the pregnancy he skipped town. The last time she saw him was when the judge was granting them their divorce. He came to see Jere a few times in the beginning, but I've never met him. Never stood in the same room as him.

He was the first man that I managed to drive away.

My second dad was the one that actually made an appearance in my life...I still can't figure out if it hurt worse when he left or if the initial rejection of my dad hurts more. My second father was the one that asked me to call him 'Dad', he was the guy that made me believe in his love and his want to always be a part of my life. He was the one that fooled me, betrayed me, and destroyed my mother. He came to all my school plays (back when I wanted to have anything to do with school and my peers), he was the one that showed up and cheered me on when I played soccer in middle school. He was the one I put all my faith and love into.

And he ripped that rug out from under me. When I was thirteen we found out that he had another family that he went home to and three other children that called him Dad. My mom still has no idea who came first – her or the other woman. I think that may be the part that hurts her the most, not knowing whether or not she was the women he was cheating with or if he was cheating on her.

He was the first man that showed me that you can never trust a man when they say they love you. That you can never trust a man to continue to show this “love” to you...that you can never trust him to stay by your side.

Then there was the man that I chose for myself: Joseph Andrew Sykes. I had seen what love had done to my mom, but when Joe walked into my life my freshman year, I had managed to convince myself that love didn't have to always work out that way. That love didn't always have to be pain, that it wouldn't always fail.

Joe was a sophomore, he played on the basketball team, and for some odd reason he had been interested in me. It had given me such a rush at the time, I didn't see his kind words as a way to hook me. I hadn't had any experience in flirting, so everything he said gave me a rush. I hadn't had my heart broken firsthand by love before, so I took everything he said as his word. It didn't take him long to make it past my defenses – I wanted love to work out so badly that I had practically opened the door for him.

God, I was so naïve.

I fell for him completely and utterly during our two years together. Once again I put my trust in a relationship with a man, believing that he would actually want to take care of me. That he would actually care.

While we were together I saw my mom get back on her feet, finally start living again. I could see how my fathers had hurt her, but she was seemingly stronger for it. I know now that she wasn't, but at the time I had just taken her at face value. I had seen a woman burnt by love twice, but still facing the world with a brave face. I had seen that as proof that no matter what happened, she would be able to get through it – thus proving that love at least didn't destroy completely. Life seemed so perfect for awhile there: my mom was okay, Jere was enjoying life, and I was in love.

However, by his senior year Joe had changed and so had our relationship. I was just as in love with him, but all of a sudden I had to keep fielding his advances. Something that he certainly didn't like, as he saw it, I was his longtime girl friend and after two years he deserved sex. And I...I wasn't ready to be that vulnerable with him, I wasn't ready to give him all of me. In the end, he found someone that gave him what he wanted and I got the pleasure of walking in on them one early morning. Thankfully I didn't walk in on them in the throes or anything, but there was something about the two of them spooning each other in the nude that spoke of great intimacy. It was bad enough to discover he was sleeping with someone else, but it was a harder pill to swallow when I saw him that...close to her. Obviously it wasn't just sex to him or I honestly meant that little to him.

He broke my heart. I gave it to him so earnestly and he crumpled it in his hands. I trusted him, I loved him, I told him things that I've never told anyone else...he was everything to me. And I, apparently, was nothing to him. He broke me and then he went away to college and never looked back.

He was the second man that I managed to drive away and the second to show me that I could never trust anyone to love me. He couldn't stay faithful to me and he wouldn't stay by my side...

It took me forever to get over him and not just because of how intensely I had loved him. It took so long because he was the one that really drove the point home: that I am severely lacking in whatever it is that makes men want to stick around. I brought around the divorce of my parents just because of my existence, I held nothing to my second father's other daughters, and I couldn't even get a guy to want to spend two years with me without getting something in return. He was the one that let me know that I would never be enough for any man. He was the one that taught me that my heart was something precious, something that I needed to protect. Because if I continued to hand it out to men they would continue to return it broken and bleeding. Over and over again they would break me, violate my trust, and walk away from me.

It was then that I realized that Mom wasn't stronger because she could pick herself up and live again. She was just tougher around the edges – broken and weaker because of her past, but able to hide her pain better. So I became a master at hiding my own pain. I became as master at hiding from my pain. And that is why I can say with a straight face that I've had two fathers and they both left, and that they are why I hate men. Notice that I don't mention Joe; I can't mention him and still sound as flippant. He's the one that drove home all the lessons of my fathers and made me aware of what I was lacking.

Maybe I'm not the hardcore feminist that everyone thinks I am. Maybe I'm not the man-hater that I have made myself out to be. I'm just a girl that is scared and broken, and afraid of being broken again. A girl that hides her pain behind anger and distrust. A girl afraid of her heart because no matter how hard I love, it will never be enough to make anyone want to stay.

So why would I ever believe that Javier didn't sleep with those girls? Why would I ever trust him when he said that he didn't? To trust would mean to open my heart and let him walk in. To let him walk in is the first step towards watching him walk out.

And...I'm not sure I can handle having another guy turn his back on me.

-::-

“But he said that he didn't do it!” Lulu exclaimed as we stood in front of the school waiting for the rest of our group to arrive. She had been harping on me for the last ten minutes after I had told her what Javier had said to me on the phone. Actually, for a couple of minute there she had just jumped up and down in joy, telling me that she had never doubted him for a second. Then she had started in on the harping.

“And I'm supposed to just believe that?” I asked, blowing on my fingers and wishing that Nikki and Ellen would just show up already. I wasn't sure how I was going to handle Bree's arrival, since I didn't want to be around Javier. I didn't want to give him the chance to hurt me. Or rather, I didn't want to give him the chance to see the cracks in my armor that had started to appear when I had heard him say those words: “I promise you that I'm not lying.” Never had anyone worded it that way to me before. Joe and the one dad I had known had always believed that I would trust whatever they said. And they had been right.

“Didn't Bree say that he doesn't lie? Didn't he say that he doesn't lie?”

Once again my mind drifted to those words and how his voice had cracked when he had said them. How earnest and sincere he had sounded. I squeezed my eyes shut for a moment to gather myself and took a deep breath before exhaling and answering her. “And why should I believe that? I could tell you right now that I never lie.”

“Rowe, come on.”

“Just because I say it doesn't mean that it's the truth. For all I know he was lying to me about never lying.”

“Why can't you just take him at his word?”

“Because I can't.” I said softly and then sighed, “It's freezing out here, I'm just going to head in. See you at lunch.” I shot her a quick smile and then shuffled as quickly as I could away from her, trying to get out of earshot before she could open her mouth again. Once I made it into the school, and off the icy sidewalks, I jogged down the somewhat empty halls, hoping to make it to my first class without running into Javier.

Unfortunately he seemed to have anticipated such a move, since I found him leaning against the wall beside the door to my history class. I slid to a stop and stared at him for a moment, I couldn't seem to help but appraise the sight, no matter how much I wanted to get away from him. Crushes are like that, even if they are unwanted and completely unwarranted crushes. Nothing in me wanted to like Javier and yet... As much pain as I was in from the sight of him, from the rumors that he was letting circulate, from the idea that he could sleep with those girls... It all pointed towards my liking him and I hated that.

He had gotten a hair cut over break, so his dark eyes no longer hid behind a curtain of hair. I found myself missing his bangs because when he had them I hadn't realized how seriously mesmerizing his dark eyes were. I had know they were intense, but the bangs had managed to damper the overall effect; without them I felt like he was able to stare directly into my soul. Melodramatic I know, but the only words I can use to describe how being caught in his gaze felt. I had felt the pull at his house on Christmas Eve and again yesterday...and I didn't really want to feel it again. It was scary how addictive his gaze could become.

He wore a pair of jeans that fit perfectly, a worn pair of leather boots that had snow melting from them, and an white Oxford shirt underneath a charcoal gray sweater. He cuffs were unbuttoned and he was messing with the cuffs as he waited; tugging them out from under the sleeves of his sweater and toying with the buttons. His looked so tired and dejected that I wanted desperately to ask him how I could make everything better. But to do so would just be another step towards him breaking my heart. Showing any kind of kindness to him would just end the same as every other male relationship in my life (not counting my brother, of course). I couldn't risk it.

After a moment he leaned his head back against the wall and that was when he finally noticed me. “Rosaline?”

“I'm pretty sure this isn't your class.”

He glanced at the door and then back at me, “No, I'm in Physics.” He replied and then frowned, “Not that you were asking for my schedule.” He whispered to himself in Spanish. When I took a step back he immediately straightened his stance and took a step away from the wall, “Wait.”

“What?” I asked, trying to keep my voice level. My heart was racing and I felt a lump forming in my throat, but I would die before letting him know that. He nervously wet his lips and dropped his gaze for a moment, but then quickly looked back at me, as though he was afraid I'd run if he let me out of his sight. He certainly wasn't wrong.

“I...I don't know what to say to make you believe me.” He said weakly, “I...I know that I haven't gained your trust and I certainly know that I don't have your respect.” He trailed off and then exhaled softly, “I realize that I've disappointed you and...and I'm sorry.”

Just like that I could feel tears forming behind my eyes. I had become such a crybaby as of late.

He smiled without any kind of mirth, “I'm sorry that I didn't dispute the rumors. I'm sorry that I ever did anything to start the rumors. I'm sorry I've never done a single thing that makes you feel as though you can trust me. I'm sorry I didn't live up to the man that you trying to make me. I'm sorry I toyed with you at the Winter Dance, if I hadn't none of this would matter to you.”

He took a deep breath and met my eyes head on, “I'm sorry you can't believe me.” He murmured, “Because when I told you that I didn't sleep with them, I was telling you the truth. I've never been interested in them.” He added and then grimaced, “Okay, for a moment there I was interested in them, but it was because I had to take my mind off of what was going on in my life.”

“And what could possibly be going on in your life that you felt the need for a distraction?”

“More than you'll probably ever know.” He said softly, “Please don't belittle me.”

I stared at him in surprise, amazed by the 'please' more than the request. Had I delivered that statement it would have come out sarcastic and like a borderline threat, with him it honestly came out as a plea. “Okay.” I said softly.

He nodded and began toying with one of the buttons on his sleeve again, “I can't give you anything other than the truth. I'm sorry if that's not enough, but it's all I have.” He raised his eyes to me again, “I didn't sleep with them.”

I tried to shrug off the emotions swirling within me and focus on anything else to get me through this encounter. So of course I turned to anger, it's my fallback. “You said it yourself; you've done nothing to ever make me want to trust you.”

He nodded his head quietly and then turned around and started down the hall, slowly walking away from me. I was surprised by his sudden exit, but more surprised by the pain that came with watching his back as he made his way away from me.

“Oh God, no.” I whispered to myself, blinking back tears. “You're stronger than this St. James.” I hissed, pulling my backpack further up on my shoulders, “You are strong and you don't give a damn about him.” I nodded my head once, wiped my tears, and made my way into the classroom.

-::-

“I want to go hoooome.” I whined as I sat down beside Ellen and set my tray down unceremoniously on the lunch room table. She look up at me in surprise, a spoon of strawberry yogurt in her mouth. When I dropped my head onto the table she leaned over and rubbed my back.

“Are you okay?” She asked around the spoon.

I brought my head up and smiled at her, “I'm peachy.”

She frowned and lowered the spoon, “I've never truly understood that statement. How can something be peachy and why would that be a good thing?” She shook her head and set her yogurt container down beside her homemade salad, “And why do people continue to use that statement when it just holds sarcastic connotations now?” She added, her eyes darting towards mine to let me know that I was getting away with anything.

I leaned over and wrapped her in a sudden hug, “I love you, you know that Elles-Belles?” I asked, leaning back and ruffling her ash blond hair. She narrowed her light blue eyes at me and tried to finger comb it back in place.

“Love you too, Rosie-Posie, but that doesn't mean I'm going to let you redirect this conversation.”

I frowned, “We seriously need some new nicknames.”

“Says the woman of a hundred of them.” She declared, “Rosie, Rosie-Posie, Rowe, Rowe-Rowe, St. James—”

“The last one can't count, that's just my last name.” I pointed out, happy that I had manged to distract her from my problems.

“It sure doesn't sound like just a last name when Javier says it.” She replied, letting me know perfectly well that I hadn't distracted her from anything. She smiled wistfully, “It almost sounds like an endearment, the way he says it.”

“And we're shutting up now.” I muttered.

“What are we shutting up?” Lulu asked, sitting down beside me, a smoothie and an apple in her hand.

“Is that really all you're eating?” I asked incredulously.

She shrugged, “I had some strawberries during my math class. Elle's dad doesn't seem to care what I do in his class, as long as I don't start a ruckus. Those were his actual words by the way: 'start a ruckus'.” She shook her head, smiling.

“Shove it up your ass.” Nikki growled at some guy and then dropped down beside Ellen, “I seriously want to kill every jackass in this school today. Do you know how many lewd comments I've been on the receiving end of?”

“Thirty-seven?” Ellen asked and we all took a moment to just stare at her. She blushed and ducked her head, beginning to shovel her salad into her mouth.

“A lot.” Nikki finally said, turning her gaze away from Ellen. “A lot.” She began to tear her slice of pizza into little pieces, “I get that what I did was a drunken mistake, but hell—do guys have to face this much crap when it comes to undressing in public?”

“I think they get arrested when it comes to undressing in public.” Bree said, joining us at the table. “When a woman decides to take off her clothes she is revealing a body of art to the public.” Bree went on, “When a guy decides to do the same thing, he is justly punished because he is bearing himself to the public.”

Lulu laughed, “Love the choice of words.”

Ellen frowned again, “But there are a lot of guys with hot bodies.”

“Do you really ever want to see a guy's genitalia?” Bree asked, “In the heat of the moment, sure—but when you're just minding your own business, going about your day, do you really want to turn around and see some guy's penis?”

“Okay, I'm seeing your point.”

“Plus, they are excessively hairy.” She added and then sighed, “I did something stupid—and yes, I do realize the shift in conversation was sudden. Just go with it, please.”

“What'd you do?” Nikki asked, shoving a couple of fries into her mouth. I once again found myself wondering how she was so thin when all she did was shove junk food down her mouth. Then I thought about how many sports she was active in, how much she loves being on her skateboard, and how often she went mountain climbing; and then decided that my jealousy was totally unwarranted. She worked hard to stay as trim as she was. Add that to the fact that she was part Korean and part African-American and you had an exotic knockout on your hands.

Scratch it; no wonder I'm jealous.

“I had a fight with Javier and now we aren't even talking to each other.”

“He's capable of anger?” Nikki asked, her surprise evident in her voice.

Bree nodded her head solemnly and a few tears slipped down her cheeks, “It takes a lot to get him angry, but this was a year coming.” She sniffled and then turned her tear-filled eyes to me. “Rowe-Rowe?”

Oh God.

And seriously, what is with all the cutesy names for me?

“What?”

She leaned across the tale so she was closer to me and then clasped her hands together in the standard praying position, lowering her head as she did so. “Could you please talk to Javier on my behalf?”

“What?” I squeaked and then cleared my throat when I noticed the glance that Nikki and Lulu shared. “Why?”

Bree raised her head, “Because he'll listen to you, he always listens to you. Which is something that I've never taken advantage of, but...” Tears filled her voice and a few threatened to fall from her eyes, “but he's not talking to me. And...and I'm scared of leaving him alone.”

My brows furrowed, “Huh?”

“Just talk to him, please?”

I glanced across the lunchroom to where Javier sat with his friends. They were joking and laughing around him, but he didn't seem to be participating in their merriment. Instead his eyes were staring off into space and he had a pensive look on his face. “O-okay.” I whispered, not for the first time wishing that I wasn't the kind of person that would do anything for a friend. Some part of me felt responsible for all of them and felt the need to keep them all happy.

And...and I was feeling pretty responsible for the look on Javier's face.

“Thank you, thank you, thank you!” Breed exclaimed, reaching across the table and squeezing my hands. “Tell him that I'm sorry, that I'm an idiot, that I realize that I can't live his life for him, and that I'll keep my opinions to myself. Tell him that I never meant to hurt him, that I never meant to make him feel suffocated around me, that I would rather die than hurt him. Tell him that—”

“—Whoa, what did you do to him?” Nikki asked, staring at Bree in surprise.

“I completely overstepped my bounds.” Bree replied simply and then glanced down at the table, “And I probably will again and again, but I can't help it. A year ago he terrified me; he scared me to my core.” He voice caught, but she went on. “He forced me to see a world that I never realized could exist and never wanted to be a part of.” Tears fell onto the surface of the table, “I was so scared...I'm so scared all the time...” She trailed off, sniffled, and then looked back up into my eyes. “Let him know how sorry I am, okay?”

Numbly I nodded my head, wondering what the hell had happened between the two of them a year ago. There was so much pain and fear in Bree's voice and it killed me to realize that I had had no idea that it was there. Had no idea that she was suffering so much.

How could I have never noticed?

“Okay, I'll talk to him.” I promised and then attempted to smile, attempted to act like it was no big deal. Because it shouldn't be; I can handle being in the same space as Javier. I can handle seeking him out. I can handle the pain that comes from him walking away from me, because this is something that I must overcome. I can't feel like this, I won't allow it. I promised myself last year when Joe was in the midst of completely destroying my trust in everything that had to do with love. I promised myself that I would never let it happen again.

It will never happen again.

-::-

“What are you calling for, Row Boat?”

“Seriously, what it with all the nicknames?”

I could practically see my brother shrug his shoulders, “No idea, what's with all the nicknames?”

I sighed, “No clue. So how are you doing back at school? Liking your new courses?”

He laughed, “Are you really calling to find out? You were never interested in any of my courses before, which makes me think that this isn't necessarily a social call. So drop the fake concerned act and tell me what's bothering you.”

“Wouldn't my calling you for anything mean that it was a social call?”

“Rosaline.”

I sighed again, “Okay Jeremiah, I...I have a question.”

“And I might have an answer.”

I nodded my head and glanced around the interior of Mom's car, “Um...do you date so many women because you are afraid of being truly intimate with only one person?”

He was silent for a moment and through the phone I could hear the sound of a book being shut. “Is this the beginning to another one of your feminist tirades?”

“No.” I answered in a whisper, “This is just your baby sister asking you a sincere question.”

He was silent for a moment longer and then slowly exhaled a deep breath, “I...I'm afraid of letting someone down the way that our dads let us down.” He replied softly, “So...I guess the answer to your question is an affirmative.”

“Are you afraid you'll never love?”

“Sometimes, but look what loving did to you and Mom.”

“Ouch.”

“Sorry.”

“I know.”

“Rosie?”

“Yeah?”

“I know I'm a coward, but that doesn't mean that you have to be.”

I squeezed my eyes shut, “I'm not a coward, I'm just protecting myself.”

“I know that Joe hurt you and...and I'm really sorry I wasn't around to protect you from such a bastard.” He took a deep breath and cleared his throat, “But I always admired you for being brave enough to actually love like that. Love and not be afraid of pain... Love and not be afraid of failure. You've always been brave, kid...and it hurts to see you so cautious now. I'd like to kill him for doing that to you.”

“Didn't you already nearly do that?” I asked with a smile, “It's probably wrong how much delight I took in your chasing him down and beating him up, but...thank you for that.”

He laughed, “Anytime.”

I glanced at Javier's house through the windows of Mom's car and felt tears burning behind my eyes, “I'm scared.”

“Of what?”

“Of feeling the way that I do.” I whispered, “Joe didn't make me feel this way, not at first at least. With him, I felt so happy and carefree in the beginning. Now...? I feel so scattered and tired.”

In my group of friends, I am the strong one. I am the one that comes in and saves them, I am the one that never needs to be saved. I bring the ice cream and the Kleenex when they are crying and try to patch them up. I am the one that takes care of them and makes sure that they are not alone with their pain. I am the one that cries alone. I'm so busy being their rock that I've never allowed myself to crumble in front of them. Jeremiah is my rock; he's the one that gets to see my tears first. He's the one I tell my pain to, he's the one that tries his hardest to make everything work out.

I'd like to say that I'm his rock too, but that would be a lie. I'm strong when he needs me, but I don't think he feels that he can unload his problems on his little sister. I'm not really sure where he goes, perhaps he goes to Mom, but I wouldn't bet on that. Together the two of us are her rock and together we have tried to make sure that she doesn't have to really worry about us. Yeah, we've been in fights at school, we both have been regulars in detention, but we both tried hard to make sure that she didn't have to really worry about us. She already had enough to worry about.

“Do you want me to come home and hurt this guy?” He asked.

“No.” I laughed softly, “That would probably be overkill since I've already got the guy convinced that I hate him.”

“But you don't?”

“N-no.” I answered, my voice cracking.

“It's Javier, isn't it?”

“How'd you know?”

“You talk about him a lot, you know. Ever since he came to town you've been talking about him. Recently it's gotten worse, but still...he's always been a topic of conversation with you.”

“Because he's such a whore!”

“Not in the beginning. In the very beginning you used to talk about how you felt he needed something, but you just couldn't figure out what.”

“Then he started to sleep through the entire female student body and I got a feeling as to what he needed.” I rolled my eyes, but even I could hear that my voice was without its usual venom.

“You care about him.”

It wasn't a question.

“Yeah.”

“And you don't want to.”

Again, not a question.

“No.”

“Wanting doesn't make it happen.”

“I know.”

“Well, some advice from the big brother to the baby sister—are you ready for it?”

I rolled my eyes again, “Yeah.”

“Be brave.”

“But—”

“Be brave.” He repeated, “Be the little sister that you've always been; reckless, brave, and constantly getting me in trouble trying to back you up. I miss that and I hate how often we fight now.”

“I'm sorry.”

“You're just dealing with some stuff and my promiscuous ways are grating you the wrong way. I get it. You see Joe. You see Joe in everything that I do when it comes to women, you see Joe in the way that Javier acts, and you see Joe in the majority of the men your eyes make contact with. You might not love the guy anymore, but you're still not over him.”

“I certainly never want to be with him ever again.”

“That's not what I meant. He... Look, I'm not the therapist in the family, but I feel like maybe what he did to you was your last straw. Jackass Dad One and Jackass Dad Two made you begin to doubt men and that prick bastard showed you firsthand how much you should doubt men.”

“Shouldn't you be standing up for your gender?”

“Hell no.” He exclaimed, sounding a bit like Will Smith. “Men are assholes and you best remember that.”

“What about you?”

“I'm one too.”

“No, you aren't.”

“Not to you or Mom, never to you and Mom, but to the many girls I string along? You know they think I'm a prick and a part of me couldn't care less.”

“Liar. You care.”

“Well...okay, a little.”

“Uh-huh.”

“Whatever, my point is that men are asses and Joe did not hold back when teaching you this lesson.”

I frowned, “If all men are asses, then why should I be brave and give Javier a chance?”

“Because some men have evolved.”

“Into what? Some other body part?”

“You're being difficult on purpose.”

“Why on earth would you think Javier was evolved?”

He muttered something that I couldn't hear and then let his sigh fill the phone line, “Okay, I don't. But I do know that you shouldn't be as afraid as you are.”

“But men are asses, you said so yourself.”

“There are some that aren't—”

“The evolved ones.”

“Yes, and you will never meet one of the evolved ones if you don't brave some of the asses.”

“You give some of the weirdest pep talks ever.”

“Yeah, well you're no longer crying, now are you?”

“Mission accomplished.” I laughed and then sighed, wiping at a few stray tears on my face. Tears that he didn't need to know about. “I should probably let you go.”

“Yeah, I'll talk to you later.”

“Love you.”

“Love you too.”

After disconnecting with my brother, I turned to look at Javi's house again. A part of me seriously didn't want to walk up and ring the bell, and not just because his mother apparently thought I was a whore. What was with that, anyway? Did she think that she could say anything she wanted because she said it in Spanish? Woman needs a wake up call: Spanish is some secret coded language. There are a lot of us that have been learning the language since middle school – which is when I was first introduced to Spanish. Jeez, what a wretch. However, she wasn't really the reason that I didn't want to ring the doorbell at nine at night. I could deal with her, I just didn't think I could deal with Javier.

He scared me. Terrified me, honestly, because I knew he could hurt me. I had been dumb enough to let my defenses down for just a little while and he had wormed his way in. Him and his intense eyes, his wholehearted love for sea turtles, his cynical belief in love, and his total commitment to being a good cousin to Bree...

Bastard.

Groaning, I turned the key in the ignition and opted to put off talking to him until later. Much later. Maybe next week sometime, I could use the weekend to gather my thoughts and prepare myself to be around him. Yeah, I needed time to gather my strength. Time to become brave and unafraid.

Time to figure a way out of this.

A/N: Please don't hurt me, I realize that this is a really late update. I've also been going through a huge case of writer's block and an intense avoidance to the internet, so...yeah. Sorry, but I can't really promise any kind of regularity to my updates. Which...honestly, I think most of you have realized by now – sorry about that. I find that when I try to force myself to write it never goes well. I'm not sure what that says about a future with deadlines in it.

I know I promised responses and everything, but it's three in the morning right now and I thought I'd just give you the chapter. I loved reading through your responses though – I've noticed a lot of hate for Rosaline, which I can't say I found surprising. I know that in most stories (mine at least) it's usually the guy that it in need of going through a big transformation during the course of the story. The girl usually just needs to learn a couple of lessons, but she's generally ready for the big commitment that comes with loving the flawed guy.

Yeah, not so much between these two.

Yes, Javier is flawed – probably my most flawed leading male. Jonah had some serious problems too, but I feel that he had a better handle of himself. Yeah, his life was messed up but he wanted to live through it. Thatcher has a lot of luggage that comes with him, but he's found a way to deal with his problems. He's strong and he came to depend on himself at a young age. Javier doesn't realize that he has any kind of strength, he doesn't like at lot of things about his life, and he just wants an escape. He is flawed, he is vulnerable, and he is well aware of these things.

Rosaline is just as flawed, she just tries harder to ignore it. The more I work on this story, the more I work with her, the more I've come to see how much she needs to grow. They both need a transformation over the course of the story, but with her unwillingness to bend, I think she has farther to go. Alright, I'm rambling now – maybe because of the late hour, I don't know. Maybe this has cleared something up for someone, but probably not. Ugh, so sleepy...

THANK YOU ALL FOR READING!

And seriously, sorry about the delay. It's been almost a year, right? Wow, that's just...sad. Worse, I think it actually has been over a year since the last update with some of my stories. I need to focus or kidnap a muse or something...