April 26, 2008 Losing my Religion.. Gaining Faith

All I really need, I think, is some time apart.

Away from her hawk eye and her mouth breathing her own conscience into my lungs. And I am ashamed to say it, but I find myself choking on her purity. Becasue I-- I wanted my name on everyone's lips. I wanted intellect, which I suppose is not so wrong, depending upon one's motivation and means of gain. I was only driven by envy; I was only destroying the finer feeling beneath thought. I wanted the touch of a warm hand to smooth over and erase my unsightly sins, which was only another sin in a very clever disguise. I craved the forbidden; I delighted in the thought of a defiant fire consuming all I once was and emerging anew. Though I'm not quite sure what I expected to be then. But now I have Faith tainting the edges of my blissfully ignorant life. And I blame you. Should I be mad? Of course not. And I'm sure some part of me somewhere is overwhelmingly grateful you sent me on my way. Still, I blame you. I guess that's the Devil in me.

But I want to leave, now, and see the sun blooming atop a long stem on the bed of the river, leaning in over the water and swaying out again. I want to dangle my feet off a bridge all day and do nothing and feel everything. I want to dissolve myself into a gentle current and slip away, just to wake up in Your arms.

April 28, 2008 Finer Feeling

I've no head for politics. Or war. Or intricacies of human life.

But ask me about science, numbers, strange words. As me about light, about grass, color; as me how a voice finds a way to sing. I can tell you anything. Except for why.

If this is the price of education, then what am I doing here? Am I to surrender purpose and wonder for knowledge?