At night, when the world is asleep, when it’s nearly 3 in the morning I start to think.

I think about me and my life, and to where I am headed in it. I think about succeeding in the world, and making something of myself. I think about life, I think about death.

I ponder my reason for being, and my reason for the constant struggles in my life that seem to not end. That seems to fade at one moment in said life only to come back ten fold. Of how tis bright one moment and then dark the next with only a sliver of light at the end of the tunnel.

I think nay, I wonder why I don’t seem to want more for myself than what I already have. I ponder upon why I don’t push myself, why I can not motivate myself, why I can’t feel unstuck or in a happy…or rather, in a happy place all the time. One can not be happy all the time, however at least I would like to be at a somewhat happy levil.

I think of why do I not want to go back to school? Why do I have to be faced with so many fears? Why I have so many questions that have no answers to them.

These things I think when the world shuts its eyes to the light of day. Perhaps, or well, a curious thought enters my mind through the already jumbled things such as rocks coursing through water. My thought is I think at night when the world is dark and black; and although I think and feel during the day it is light.

However, is it really? Is it really light outside? You see the sun, and you feel it upon your skin however in just a few short hours which break down to moments you know that the sun, the light is gone.

And, this happens everyday; every night all over the world.

However now, you are me. You see the sun; you feel the sun on your face as you rise from bed. However, you see the dark, you feel it. The walls close on you at night and the silence stretches in which you ponder and think you become aware of the things that are really happening in your life.

That in the day seems brighter to you. Or perhaps they do not. Perhaps the day conceals your true feelings because the sun is out; the light is there.

I do not know, I can not say. I think about all, I remember everyone and everything through out my life and all I can say is I don’t know why. I don’t understand, I don’t ask anymore questions for no answer is revealed for those asked questions.

I do ask, no answers come to me. Not in dreams, not in self exploration, nor in TV, neither family nor friends.

This is what I have come to know, that is what I expect from the world. Friends can help and are needed. Family (my family) is a constant stress to me, and thus I do not pay much attention to them unless needed for some physical aspect of my life.

For as emotional support, they are useless and ineffective.

Mom, Stepdad, sister;

Nice people in there own right;

However now, I will sleep. And, I will wish for answers that will never come.

At least not yet.