I give a frustrated, annoyed, sad, angry sigh as I begin to write this. This, this thing I don’t know what to call it really. It’s not an email, because I have no intention of sending it to anyone, it’s not a letter for there’s no dear so and so at the top.

I guess it’s just more thoughts, thoughts that I do not deserve to have. No one, no one deserves to have them. No one deserves to go through what I go through accept me apparently.

These are dark thoughts, however not in the traditional sense of the word. They aren’t filled with thoughts of blood, nor half decomposing bodies, or horrible monsters with six eyes coming after me.

They are dark thoughts about you. About my boyfriend of exactly three years, nine months and eight days.

Names aren’t important here; it is the thoughts. The thoughts I get after one of our talks, conversations, discussions; whatever they are.

I love you, care about you, have made mistakes and have tried to fix them. I have been always kind to you, never threatening towards you, never been unfaithful and yet it isn’t enough.

I was unkind towards you when we were separated for three months, however I have said I’m sorry for that, I have apologized and I wouldn’t hesitate to slit my wrists if I could take back everything and erase your pain and mistrust of me. The rest up above is true; I never was unfaithful, never cheated on you, and I care and love you.

I care about you, and love you so much that it hurts because I don’t think you realize just how much I love you. How much I’d do for you, I’d do anything for you; anything.

So, when you say that, “I’m still not sure about marrying you,” “I trust you more than I used to,” “I don’t totally trust you,” and so on it really really hurts. I know I screwed up; I fucked up in the past however how long do I have to keep paying for it? Will my debt for those mistakes, those hurtful words, those stupid lies ever be paid? Will anything ever be enough for you?

The dark thoughts come. Such as I feel that you don’t deserve how deep and true my love is for you, that even though I love you with all that I have; with all of my heart you don’t know what to do with it. The dark thoughts also make me think that you take my love for granted, that you are so stupid, blind even to the fact that it’s there for you and only you. Also, that you think I’ll just keep waiting, waiting, waiting, waiting, waiting, waiting, waiting, waiting for you to make up your fucking mind about us; about me. I love you, I’d do anything for you all you would have to do is ask. It seems to me that you do not recognize that, that hell will freeze before you ever make a true commitment to me.

I spent 120 dollars on a Japanese class to try and learn more of your language, I paid my best friend 10 sometimes 20 dollars for gas money so as she could come over and she help me with the Japanese customs, I traveled 45 minutes away to go to that school late at night; both ways were 45 minutes for a 3 hour class once a week. I studied as hard as I could, but then again you’ve said that my study habits weren’t that good; that I was never really taught how to study properly. I went to Japan with you, and tried my fucking hardest to impress and to make a good impression on the people that were around you. Yes, you paid for my plane ticket to Japan which I’m grateful for; it has been the only sign in going on four years that you’ve ever shown that you truly love and care about me as well as making a huge effort in deciding or rather knowing if you want to be with me or not. I’d say that last bit of the sentence before this one is the important fact.

As for the studying, that could be true, I never had much encouragement to do that great in life anyway..

This thing that I’m writing, it’s not posted here to make one person look bad over the other. It is not, I have faults and demons that seem to chase me wherever I go. I fucked up, I screwed up our relationship in the past. Hell, I may still even be fucking up now; I do not deny that one bit.

However, how much longer will it be before you choose rather you wish to marry me or not? How long will I have to keep paying for things that have happened? How much will I have to pay for me fucking up those times? How long will the things in my past my, “survival techniques,” as they’re called by counselors follow me around? How long will it be before I snap and say the hell with it all? What do I have to do to show you that I’m trying? When will it be enough? When will I be good enough? Will I ever be?

So many questions, too many queries that I hate. Too many inquires however with less few answers than the questions above.

When will I ever be good enough for anything? It certainly has not happened yet, whatever I’m doing must not be enough.

Yet.