Chapter 16 – Park Bench Breakthroughs

“Please stop the streetcar. Let me off.”

The driver gives me a furtive glance but calmly keeps his eyes on the road. “I can’t do that.”

“Please. I need to get off.” I was pleading and begging. The desperate feeling clawing at my chest was urging me to go find Linkyn.

His fingers tighten on the steering wheel. “There’s no safe place to let you off.”

“Fuck safety.” I climb done the steps and bang on the doors. “Just open the fucking doors. Let me off. I need to get off. Please.”

“Oh fuck it.” He pulls to a stop. The doors open under the anxious pounding of my fists. “Get the hell off my streetcar.”

I stumble out into the middle of the street. Cars pull to abrupt standstills. Horns blaring.

I run to the sidewalk.

Which way did he go?

I run towards the street I last saw him on. Pushing past strolling pedestrians.

I don’t know which way he went. Just the general direction.

I keep running. Frantically searching.

I don’t know why but he can’t just say something like that. He can’t just casually drop a line like that. He knows what things like that do to me.

They fester and drive me crazy. Overanalyzing every bit and every possible meaning. I become a mess.

Why would he want to do that?

God damn it. Where is he?

“Excuse me; have you seen a teenage boy…white, tall, brown hair, hazel eyes?” I ask a random couple on the street.

They ignore me and continue walking.

“Fuck.” I run my hands through my hair in frustration. Glaring at the different street signs.

“Lean build? Jeans and a t-shirt? Star tattoo on his wrist?”

I look towards the voice. A street kid with long hair and an assortment of piercings and tattoos.

I nod frenetically. “Yes. Did you see where he went?”

He jerks his thumb in the direction of a small side-street.

I take off down the street.

I don’t have to run long. He’s sitting on a bench at the entrance of a park. Elbows on his knees. Head in his hands.

I stop short of the bench.

“You can’t just say those things, Linkyn.”

His head jerks up. He’s surprised. But it doesn’t last long. He quickly sobers. “And why not? It’s the truth.”

My hands automatically stop pulling at my hair. “Because those kinds of comments keep me up all night. Stressing over you and the things you say to purposely screw me up.”

“I need you to suffer…I need you to feel how I feel.” His head sinks back into his hands. Not looking at me.

“I don’t understand.”

He stands hastily. He turns to face me. “It’s agonizing being around you because I want more of you than you’re willing to give.”

He takes a step in my direction.

I don’t move. My fingers slip out of my hair. “I…”

“Amren, I love you. I know you hate it. You hate the cliché of teenage love. You think its all melodrama.” He takes another step. “It doesn’t have to be. You get so caught up in the details. You focus so much on all the influencing obligations and expectations that you don’t stop to recognize or enjoy the situation.”

I can feel the pressure build behind my eyes.

“Let go, Amren. I know you love the idea of a relationship. The idea of being with someone who you car about and who cares about you. So just embrace the moment and stop picking things to pieces. Stop sabotaging yourself. Be with me.”

His eyes hold this intensity. This is the end-all or the be-all. There’s anguish behind those hazel orbs. As if this is the breaking point.

“Linkyn…please.”

He throws his hand sup in frustration. “Please what, Amren? I can’t take it anymore. I need all of you or none of you. I can’t handle it anymore. I can’t take your routine of constantly pulling me in and pushing me away. Make a decision.”

I curl into myself. Protection. “I can’t be what you need.”

“What I need is for you to recognize that you feel more towards me than this.” His hands cradle my face, forcing me to look at him. “Just stop with all the rules and boundaries that you set around yourself. Stop repressing the feelings you hold towards me.”

I pull away. “How the fuck do you know how I feel towards you? Don’t act as if you know more than you do!” Tears that I didn’t notice before are streaming down my face.

His eyes are compassionate. “There you go again. Lashing out to keep me from breaking through the shell that you build up around yourself. Is it so hard for you to feel vulnerable?”

“YES! IT IS.” My voice is cracking under all the strain.

I feel his arms encircle me. I push at his chest. Trying to keep him away.

Even with my efforts, he manages to place a kiss on my temple. My last defences crumble and I sink into his embrace. Nails latched onto him.

He just holds me. Doesn’t say anything. Doesn’t attempt to make any soothing gestures. Just a firm and comforting embrace. Everything he can’t communicate is right there. He wants to protect me with every fibre of his being.

My breathing evens out and the tears stop flowing.

My heads buried in his chest. Breathing him in.

“Where do we go from here?”

His hands start to gently knead the tension from the muscles in back. “You already know what I want. It’s just up to you to decide what you want.”

I look up at him. Lock eyes. “Okay. We can…try.”

A genuine smile appears for the first time in a long time. It sends a spark coursing through me.

I fidget slightly. “But-”

He swoops in and captures my lips in a tender kiss. Interrupting me. “Stop planting your seeds of doubt, Amren.”

I’m thoroughly distracted. My lips are tingling. It feels different from the other kisses. It’s less fuelled by tension and frustration. It’s raw and affectionate.

I want another one. I’m tentative as I lean in.

The soft caress of lips against one another. There’s no urgency to push further. No restraint. Just an absolute contentment.

It’s mesmeric.

I hear him whisper between kisses. “I love you.” There’s more pressure behind it now. The need for me to understand that he truly means it is there.

I feel my breathing hitch and the instinct to press myself further into his embrace becomes overwhelming. My stomach tightens.

It’s not like the other times where those words caused a desperate sense of being trapped and suffocated.

My lips become a little more frantic. I want him to understand that I reciprocate those feelings…I just can’t say it yet.

He pulls away first. Rests his forehead against mine. His eyes are closed. He looks satisfied. Blissfully so.

“Linkyn, I can’t say those words back.”

His eyes open slightly creating a dreamy expression. “If it’s just the words you can’t say, then don’t say them.”

I bite my bottom lip. It’s slightly swollen. “I can’t say those three words but I can say olive juice.”

His brow furrows. “Olive juice? Well, that’s random.”

I shake my head. “No, look.” I mouth the words olive juice to him.

He gives a breathy laugh. “I get it. It looks like you’re mouthing ‘I love you’.”

“It’s the best I can do.’

He nuzzles my nose with his. Hazel eyes are so alluring and amorous. “That’s all I ask of you.”