BE IT KNOWN that from this day, the two parties enlisted agree to abide by all legalistic bindings of time, space and that guy with the pointy arrow.

Whereas the parties entertain thoughts of pursuing Holy Matrimony under the laws of the State of Undying Love And All That Nonsense, they express their mutual desire to submit to this agreement and its bindings and wish to marry for Love Or Something Like That yet do not desire their present respective interests to be compromised by their marriage or any such Bouts of Insanity which follow. Now, therefore, it is agreed as follows:

1. During the event of That Time of the Month, the husband is entitled to additional rites of protection from flying projectiles and is thus permitted to flee from the premises in a manner otherwise contradicting his Godly Manliness

a) Similarly, during times when Male Chauvinism is particularly prominent, the wife is fully entitled to perusing into the matter without being openly (muttered threats withheld) contradicted as it has been agreed that She, indeed, Knows Best.

2. Feminine products shall be kept hidden from prying eyes despite the common understanding that it is a Monthly Necessity, the wife admits to accepting the severe mental trauma such a visual shall incur.

a) Likewise, during dire circumstances, it is the husband’s duty to obtain such Feminine Necessities lest the wife be tempted to behead him as it is their shared agreement that bleeding Down There is not a very pleasant occurrence.

3. Both parties shall at all times have the fully right and authority to partake in fits of self-indulgence. Rightful purchases of motorized vehicles, branded goods and other such items of such value are to be frowned quietly upon with silent disapproval and dismissed as a Mid Life Crisis or One Of Those Things in recognition of the spiritual healing it entails.

a) Similarly, an opened container of ice-cream or such comfort foods shall be met with muted discretion once claimed. No partner shall infringe upon such claimed property. Ever.

4. Admiration of any other persons physical appearance other than that of the spouse is to be done discreetly, if ever. Should the other party ever openly violate this agreement a Can Of Whoopass may be in order.

a) Neither party is to be held liable for any physical and metal trauma caused within such a period.

Each party acknowledges their emotional incompetence and thus resorted in having a flimsy sheet of paper dictate Love And All That for sake of convenience, with such said, it is to be maintained that both parties, despite their mutual agreement in their union, have Absolutely No Clue What They’re Getting Themselves Into and may not be held responsible for any acts of obtrusive affection, smothering and Touchy Feely Stuff taken place during their promised eternity together. With that said, I bind the couple in the name of All Things Heavenly And Some That Are Not Quite So into perpetual servitude and suffering. With that said: Welcome to Hell.

This agreement may not be modified in writing, gestures, dying last wishes or anything of that sort.

Signature of Prospective Husband: His Godly Manliness

Date: Every freaking day of your life.

Signature of Prospective Wife: Her Worldly Mistress

Date: And perhaps the rest of eternity, just for the heck of it.