It’s Me That You’re Saving Me From

Again you’ve said that I cannot

Scratch that same familiar spot

It’s always the same wavering voice

That asks of me a simple choice

“Stop hurting yourself and no one finds out,

Or scratch again and again I’ll spout.”

“They can’t find out,” is my reply.

And as always I get a frantic “Why?!”

I try to make you understand

The position in which I shall land

If my parents find that I still hurt

So begging, pleading, out I blurt,

“Please oh please don’t let them know.

Please my love, the truth, don’t show.”

You agree under one condition;

I must make the right decision.

I promise I’ll try as hard as I can

So down I sit with pad and pen.

Homework to distract my brain,

In fact, becomes a bigger pain.

Math assignments two and three

Both require the worst of me.

My compass, my old friend, is the desired

My weapon of choice, my admired.

An honors student I can’t opt not

I must do the work, my left arm hot

With each passing problem my forearm burns

With each circle drawn my stomach churns.

Ten minutes feels like ten long days

Then in its case the compass lays

I had put it into its plastic home

In the hope that, would be enough, alone.

It gleams at me and knows it will win

It knows, soon enough, it shall taste my skin.

Under the covers I curl up and hide.

Pain and fear do I now feel inside.

A gentle ring from above my head

Startles me to answer a call instead.

Again your voice graces my ears

I swear you always sense my tears.

You plead with me to hold on longer

“You’re different now. You’re stronger.”

Coaxing you to calm down and go,

Deep in my heart I already know.

I lost the battle this time

It really isn’t a choice of mine

The desire for pain is much too strong

This foolish fight has gone on so long

As soon as we are off the phone

The cold metal compass is no longer alone.

It reacquaints itself with an old friend

Someone that, on their meeting, it could always depend

One scratch at first, not even a mark

Where did my determination go? Where is my spark?

I used to have fight in me, now that’s gone

With my fight went my last pawn.

Another scratch, a thin red line

I wish someone could stop me this time.

A sigh of relief then the pang of guild

All of my tears had been spilt.

I know that this is not my only choice

But these marks seem to be my voice.

The speak of pain and of fear,

Their gentle burn that turns to sear.

This time I know this isn’t enough.

The next stop from scratch doesn’t seem tough.

I sheath the compass in its plastic case.

This time the result will be more then lace.

The scissors that lie on my headboard gleam,

My conscience then begins to scream.

Another ring from that silver phone,

Why won’t you just leave me alone?

Your name glows in the brightest blue

I can’t yet bear to talk to

The phone grows quiet; I’ve missed your call.

My last bit of hop begins to fall.

Again my cell rings, pleading for my answer.

This time I pick it up, the battle for my cancer.

“How bad are they?” are your first words.

“I need to know, yes it sounds absurd.”

I try to get out of telling the extent of it.

But you won’t listen, not one bit.

“How bad, my dear, how bad are they?”

Worse then ever, I’d rather not say.

“Not all that bad, all things considered.”

“What does that mean all things considered?

Is it worse than before? Did you break the skin?”

I try, God I try, not to let you get in.

Then the tears that I thought were dry,

Did my tired eyes begin to cry.

“How bad are they?” You beg me now.

My once rigged will, to her, begins to bow.

“It hurts a lot, but there’s no blood.”

Long red lines are beginning to bud.

“Okay,” you sigh. “Please don’t make me go this time.”

“You need your rest, you need to sleep sometime.”

“I can’t leave you alone like this tonight.

Something is different, something doesn’t feel right.”

“No worries, my love. Tomorrow I’ll be right as rain.”

Hopefully, in my voice, you can’t hear the pain.

“I can’t leave you alone again, my dear.

To lose you is my greatest fear.”

“You won’t lose me, love. It won’t get that far.”

“I’m coming now, watch for my car.”

In your arms is the only place I can stay,

Feeling safe and from my fears, far away.

“Please, my love, stay there. You have class.”

“My teachers, my dear, can kiss my ass.

You’re more important than anything.”

Your words, so deeply felt, they sting.

“You really shouldn’t but I know I can’t stop you.”

“You’re right on that so you really shouldn’t try to.”

You stay on the phone with me until I’m in your arms

As usual you protect me and keep me from harm.

And as usual, it’s me that you’re saving me from.