Do I have to fall asleep with roses in my hands…

Josh's warmth from his hand travels like currents of lightening through my skin as it lies idly on my thigh. Like usual, he doesn't realize the act of affection and he doesn't realize how much affect he has on me. If he only knew. But he'll never know, because I, being the overly considerate and shy person I am, can't bring myself to harm our harmoniously content friendship. Josh seems to be happy with just that. So who am I to blurt out the emotions that have tormented me for countless nights? Plus, there are bigger things that have come in between me and Josh. It has a name. Alice Steadman.

For two years since he moved from Mexico, Josh and I have known each other. Even been together through some pretty rough times, like when he couldn't speak English well. I was always there to encourage him and stand by his side when Chad Mann bullied him. Well, now that Josh is a 'stud', no one picks on him, but slowly I've been pushed aside. Not on purpose of course, but Josh is involved in so many things like soccer and Student Council; it was getting kind of hard to keep up. Even through all of this, we've managed to still be each others everything. We shared our secrets- even the completely embarrassing ones- but never the ones about liking someone. I wasn't ready for that step yet, but it seems that Josh was.

So here we are, lying on my bed listening to John Meyer in the shade of the coming twilight, and my heart is slowly breaking. Tomorrow is Valentines Day and Josh is planning on telling Alice how he felt. Somehow I feel betrayed, almost as if Josh was shoving this in my face. I knew he didn't know how I felt, and the only one to blame was me. At times like these, when we seem so perfect for each other, is when it hurts the most. Here I am, lying next to him, on my bed. We're completely clothed except for our shoes, and our legs are entwined. His tan-apricot skin was a nice contrast to my brown skin. I started to trace circles on his forearm.

"Stop," he smiles. "That tickles."

After a moment I stop and sigh, Josh looks into my face. "Iris, what are you thinking?"

This could be my moment. I stare into his dark brown eyes that seem bottomless. This is a picture perfect moment, almost movie ideal. I open my mouth; I can feel the words about to stream out of me. Then I hesitate, and I drop my gaze to our laced hands, "It's nothing."

"Iris, I-." Then we hear the sounds of Josh's ring tone signal his incoming call. He rolls over and reached for his flip phone from my end table. "Hello?"

I tune out his conversation as I walk over to my desk table and absently sort through some papers, silently scolding myself for not taking that moment when I had it. Now, it's all over. Tomorrow, Josh will tell Alice how he feels and she'll take him like any sane girl would. I hear Josh wrap up his conversation, and in my mirror see him slid on his shoes as he prepares to leave.

"Josh?" I swivel my chair to look at him.

His dark hair is in his face as he looks up at him. "Yes?"

I take a deep breath. "Don't go."

He laughs. "I don't want to. Mom needs me to cook tonight. She is working late. Again."

He's not hearing me. "Josh- about Alice."

"What about her," he stood now. Towering over me like he normally does even if I am standing. He places a hand on my shoulder.

I look up at him. His cute baby face, the one that I first fell in love with two years ago, is now replaced with a much more defined young man's roughness. His skin was no longer smooth, but was now littered with stubble. This face, it captivates my dreams and has stolen my heart. Looking into his eyes everyday is all that I need, as if the only way I can fulfill that need is through our steady friendship, then that's how it'll stay. Risking our relationship was just too great a leap. I squeeze his hand and force a painful smile.

"She's a nice girl." My statement sounds lame to even my own ears.

Josh hesitates for a moment. His brows knit in a frown, but I look away, trying to avoid his unasked question. "Call me later?"

I nodded, knowing that I wouldn't. It was time to let go.

---

Waking up is the hardest part…

Red, it was everywhere. It was bringing me physical pain in the process. Valentines Day is the bane of my existence. Today is worst than having to visit my Aunt Olga with the mustache and false teeth. All day long I had to put up with singing balloons, overstuffed, over sized teddy bears, and chocolates. Lots and lots of heart shaped chocolates. It was all too nauseating to be around it all day. I barely talked to no one, and avoided Josh all day. By 5th period, he knew something was wrong with me.

The bell rang signaling the end of school, and I felt like jumping for joy knowing I could retreat to the comforts of my house. My mother and I shared the same out look on Valentines Day all thanks to my no good father who ran off with his secretary 5 years ago. I leisurely strutted past everyone who was in a rush to catch the bus, while I smiled giddily at the though of having my mother's keys in my pocket- it's my only happiness on a day such as this one. I reached my locker and pulled my book bag out shoving in my homework binders.

"Iris!"

I whipped my head up to see Josh jogging down towards me. I quickly close my locker, but he's caught up with me before I'm about to make a run for it. I bump into him and look up with false shock.

"Oh Josh, I didn't know you were still here."

He narrowed his eyes at me. "Are you okay? You've been acting distant all day."

"Who? Me?"

"Don't play with me Iris," his voice was serious, which kinda made me feel guilty for feeling this way. "Is this about Valentines Day? You know you don't like the holiday, but scowling is not very- how you say- becoming."

"I have no choice," I say trying to walk past him. He grabs my wrist and pulls me back to him. "Josh let me go. I've let you go-." It's too late, I've already said it. And by the look on Josh's face, I know he's heard me too.

"What do you mean?"

"Nothing, I just-."

"No," Josh looks worried. "It's something. You've let me go? Why? Did I do something wrong?"

I can't look at his face. I gently pull away and walk towards the exit and for some reason my vision blurs. I almost curse the tears that well in my heads. I hear Josh coming up beside me.

"Iris, just talk to me."

"No. I can't talk to you," I turn to face him, tears streaming down my face. The look in Josh's eyes is hard to place- it looks like astonishment. I've never cried in front of him. "I can't talk to you. Everything has changed between us. I don't want to be jealous or selfish, but I can continue to be your friend when you want Alice the way I've wanted you for two years now. I love you Josh."

Josh's expression changes, but it's not something that I can explain. His jaw didn't slack like I thought it would. Instead it clenches, almost as if I've insulted him. This furthers my anger. It's raging inside of me.

"So you know what Josh," I start again, my voice was bitter. "I've decided if Alice is what you want. Then go get her, just don't talk to me anymore. Because I don't want suffer everyday watching you with her. I've let you go, and you should let me go too. This isn't an ultimatum. I've made all of the choices here. So just go. Go find Alice, and tell her exactly how you feel."

For a moment he just stands there watching the tears stream down my face. I almost want to hate him. He reaches out as if to walk closer to me, but then falters. I shake my head, more then disappointed. I turn and walk away, because I can't take the beating of my slowing breaking heart. It was a dream, what Josh and I had. Now that I've woken up, I know that he's gone, and I'm alone.

---

For a moment you can hardly breathe…

I know my nose is red when I get home. I could careless, I was just completely thankful that I didn't cause a wreck trying to drive while I sobbed inconsolably. I close myself in my room for no reason really. My mother wasn't home yet but slamming the door gave me much satisfaction. I wanted to do more than just slam a door though, breaking things wouldn't help much either. I wanted to do something- anything- to stop the aching in my heart.

I flop onto my bed and continue to cry. Somewhere right now, Josh is probably out there hooking up with the one he loves- Alice. What does Alice Steadman have that I don't have? She's not better looking than I am. She's not funny; in fact she's kind of weird. Or at least those are the things I think to myself, hoping to make myself feel better. Alice isn't as bad as I make her out to be. My problem isn't with Alice, or even Josh- the problem is with me.

As I contemplate my newly developed self loathing, I begin to drift off to sleep. I dream in a John Mayer song where everyone is mellow and sad, but it's painfully beautiful. I wished for Josh but he wasn't the warm loving guy I knew. It my dream he was bitter and distant, and he keep pushing me away. I wake up an hour later, alone, and I cry so hard I couldn't control my breath. After what seems an eternity, I gain sum what control over my lungs and then change into something less constricting. I pace over to my desk and sit; then turn my radio up. I didn't hear the door until it shut close. Frozen for a moment, I can't even begin to hope for the impossible.

But there he is. Josh was standing inside of my room almost as if he'd been there the whole time. His face was blank and I'm not sure if I should feel so blissful about seeing him. Not just two hours ago, I told him to stay away from me. Still Josh is the one seeking me out, even after all of the horrible things I said. We stare into each other's eyes, neither of us moving; waiting for the other person to speak first.

"There are things you don't seem to understand about me, Iris," Josh starts off.

"Why are you here? I told you not to speak to me."

"Do you really want me to leave," Josh asked, not needing an answer. He already knew I wanted him here.

I turn away from him and drop my gaze to my desk. "What do you want?"

"You."

"What?" I whisper confused.

Josh walks over to me, and pulls my chair closer to him. He kneels on the floor in front of me. He takes hold of my hands and kisses my fingers. His lips on my skin make me lose focus for a second.

"Iris," Josh's face was severe. "For two years, that's all I wanted. Just a chance to be near you. I felt like we shared something so special; something that couldn't be put into regular words. I wanted to make you mine, but I never could find the right words to say. There was never a right time. I thought that might have- how you say- blown my chance to ever be with you, which is the only reason I decided to like Alice. I don't want to hurt you. I don't want to lose you."

I couldn't believe this was real. Josh was really telling me what I wanted to hear for so long. I wanted for this very moment; something magical, like a dream finally coming true. I fling myself into Josh arms, unable to say anything. I'm just happy beyond words. He understood what I was feeling, even we words are spoken. No longer do I have to dream with a broken heart. I've got Josh, the real thing and that's the best Valentines Day gift I could have ever received.

---

Happy Valentines Day!!!!