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A/N: Okay, well, I’ve decided to start some (official) slash. Yaoi. Whatever the heck you feel like calling it. ::love:: THIS MEANS THE FOLLOWING: 1) The main plot is, of course, utterly absurd and more often than not unclear. NONETHELESS IT IS STILL THERE!!! 2) Guys with guys, guys with girls, people in drag, and extremely crude humor about the slicing of unmentionables.
Hmm, what else…well, if you’re opposed to crazy ways to kidnap someone, I guess you could potentially be offended…
PROLOGUE
In which a crazy adventure of sorts is suggested
When someone wakes up to another pounding on their bedroom door, said someone would usually be frustrated. Particularly if said someone was not a morning person.
Lord Raven Dinuriel the Gorgeous, Wielder of Frying Pans and Writer of Tales, Son of Lord Ronald the Strange, and Heir to Arathna d’Ur, Capital of Kawae, was not a morning person.
“Matthew, if you do not have a good reason for waking me before noon—”
“You’ll tie me up, coat me in honey, and leave me for the insects to feed on,” Raven’s servant, Matthew replied. “Please let me in. You have a letter.”
Raven cracked a green eye open slightly, then heaved himself out of bed. You couldn’t say no to Matthew.
He paused before opening the door, running his fingers through his dark hair, and then Matthew’s voice came again.
“We both know that bedhead makes you look sexy. Now open this door,” he teased, fully accustomed to his master’s habits. Raven flushed and obeyed, gazing at his taller servant for a moment.
Matthew was…well, he was wearing more than just pants, which was more than Raven could say. His dark hair was a bit messy and his dark eyes were lidded slightly as he looked down at his master.
“Jump for it,” he teased, lifting the letter just a bit out of reach. Raven pouted softly, but all Matthew did was rumple the younger man’s dark hair.
“Darn you and your height,” Raven muttered after roughly a minute of jumping and failing. Matthew just laughed.
Finally Raven gave up, and after a quick scan of the hallway to ensure that yes, nobody was there, he grabbed the front of Matthew’s shirt and hauled the servant forward, locking the door behind him while kissing the commoner senseless.
-)(0)(-
Duke Kai Icedragon the Dangerous, Slicer of Unmentionables and Annoyance to Many, Heir to the Throne of Ragnox, Capital of Zarxoth (which was conveniently located in a dormant volcano), was also not a morning person.
Which was why his servant, poor, poor Kuhn, found a sword buried in the door, the tip of the blade having pierced the letter he was holding and now resting exactly three millimeters away from his groin.
“M-milord, y-you have a l-letter from a…Prince Julian Bananafeather,” Kuhn stuttered, wondering how on earth his young master had managed the strength required to throw a sword across the room and through a two-inch thick solid wood door. Even more so, how Kai’s blade had given him the good fortune of not missing his genitals right about now.
“Leave it on the door,” Kai muttered, rolling onto his side and nuzzling against Fluffy, the world’s most ferocious purple-and-pink baby dragon. Fluffy yawned and snuggled into his master’s waist length blonde hair, and the two immediately fell asleep.
Kuhn looked down at the sword, then back at the door, and then the sword again, and then immediately fainted.
-)(0)(-
Third on the list of not-morning people was Sir Squellys Ucumber the Explosive, Maker of All Things Explosive and Shiny, Captain of the Holy Guard and Eventual Successor to the Throne of Maya Liech.
His servant, however, was not stupid enough to knock on the door—the last person to willingly do so had been thrown through a wall along with a glorious shower of glitter. Instead, Squellys’ servant carefully slid it underneath the door.
Sadly, however, explosions were inevitable when it came to Squellys Ucumber.
So as Christopher the servant flew threw the air, Squellys smiled and fell asleep once more.
-)(0)(-
“Well? Who’s it from?”
Raven sighed softly as Matthew nuzzled the back of his neck, wondering briefly where the letter had even gotten to before remembering that Matthew had dropped it somewhere between the door and the bed. Groaning, he rolled onto his stomach, shivering as the cool air invaded their little cocoon of blankets.
Ah, there it was. All the way over by the dresser.
“It’ll only take you three steps,” Matthew said softly, flicking his tongue across Raven’s earlobe. The lord made a face, and then leaped out of bed, dashed over to the dresser, and then flew back under the blankets with his lover in record time. As Matthew began playing with his hair, Raven turned the envelope over in his hands, and then after a brief struggle that involved tooth and claw, the letter popped out. Matthew looked over, interested.
Greetings to Lord Raven Dinuriel the Gorgeous, Wielder of Frying Pans and Writer of Tales, Son of Lord Ronald the Strange, and Heir to Arathna d’Ur, Capital of Kawae, who is most certainly not a morning person.
I bet Matthew woke you up just so you could read this, didn’t he? And then you carted him off into your room and you kissed until finally he asked who it was from, right? And then you figured out that he’d dropped it somewhere between the door and your bed, and you complained about the distance because it was about three steps away. Right? I’m so smart.
Briefly, the pair took a moment to look at each other in wide-eyed shock.
Well, listen up. King Avala (aka Dad) has been getting complaints from other royal families. Something about princes (like me!) being kidnapped. We’re supposed to go see what’s going on, and maybe even do some rescuing if that’s what you’re up for. I’ve sent letters to Squellys and Kai, but I doubt they’re even awake yet. Unlike you, they aren’t having affairs with their commoner servants. I say that lovingly, really.
Write back as soon as possible, m’dear. Say hello to your parents for me, and Matthew, don’t read my letters over Raven’s shoulder again unless I specify that you can at the top.
Once again, Matthew and Raven shared a look.
Sincerely yours,
Prince Julian Bananafeather the Amazing, Archer Extraordinaire and the Most Humble Person Ever , Son of King Avala, Ruler of Sotirod, Capital of the Continent of Gnimalf.
P.S. Your door needs a new lock.
P.P.S. I hate writing out our official titles.
P.P.P.S. Who was the idiot that named our continent? It sounds like a type of potato.
P.P.P.P.S. Matt’s getting hard.
After staring at the letter in bug-eyed shock and then confirming that his door needed a new lock, Raven hopped back into bed, casually leaned over and slid a hand between his dark-haired servant’s legs, and sure enough, Julian had been right.
-)(0)(-
After three more hours, Kai woke up and dragged himself out of bed, and after noting his unconscious servant on the floor and tugging his sword out of the door with just a little more effort than he’d have liked to admit, he looked at the envelope, somewhat regretting the gaping hole through the middle. Fluffy hopped up onto his shoulder and curled around the base of his neck, and Kai smiled, patting the purple scales affectionately.
The letter was from Prince Julian Bananafeather.
Almost immediately, Kai was madly trying to open the envelope, and after failing miserably, he held it in the general direction of Fluffy and the dragon sliced it open with his claws.
Greetings to Duke Kai Icedragon the Dangerous, Slicer of Unmentionables and Annoyance to Many, Heir to the Throne of Ragnox, Capital of Zarxoth (which is not-so-conveniently located in a dormant volcano), who is even less of a morning person than Lord Raven.
I trust that another servant nearly got his dick sliced off when he tried to get you up, am I right? And you had trouble with the envelope too, so Fluffy needed to open it for you. Give the cutie a kiss for me, would you?
Kai smiled lovingly and leaned over to Fluffy, placing a kiss on the dragon’s purple snout.
Thanks, love. In other news, King Avala (aka Dad) has been getting complaints from other royal families. Something about princes (like me!) being kidnapped. We’re supposed to go see what’s going on, and maybe even do some rescuing if that’s what you’re up for. I sent letters to Raven and Squellys. Write back! I haven’t seen you in months!
Sincerely yours,
Prince Julian Bananafeather the Amazing, Archer Extraordinaire and the Most Humble Person Ever , Son of King Avala, Ruler of Sotirod, Capital of the Continent of Gnimalf.
P.S. Kuhn’s waking up
P.P.S. I HATE writing out YOUR official title even more than Raven’s.
P.P.P.S. Fluffy wants his breakfast.
P.P.P.P.S. Bring me some fruit next time I see you, you meat-loving oddity.
Kai sighed softly, and then flopped down onto his bed, letting his long blonde hair pool behind him.
Smiling, he made a mental note to write back.
Adventures with Julian always had been fun.
-)(0)(-
Squellys was tired, coated in dust and gunpowder, but looking very pleased with himself. He had just created a pie bomb, which released a very pleasant and very distracting smell of pie, and then…BOOM!
Grinning and very pleased with himself, he stood up and looked around the dust-filled room. Nothing really seemed out of place, except for a charred envelope sitting on the floor. It most certainly did not belong there, and Squellys walked over and picked it up, nearly jumping for joy when he discovered that it was from his best friend on the face of the continent, Prince Julian Bananafeather.
Dear Squellys:
Your title is by far the worst. I refuse to write it out.
Avala (aka Dad) has been getting complaints from other royal families. Something about princes (like me!) being kidnapped. We’re supposed to go see what’s going on, and maybe even do some rescuing if that’s what you’re up for. YOU ARE NOT TO BLOW UP ANY TOWERS UNLESS WE ARE IN DANGER THIS TIME. And I love your idea for exploding arrows. You’ll have to take a look at my bow and see if they’ll fire properly. We would be able to take over the world!
Kidding, m’dear. Write back if you’re up for a quest.
From: Prince Julian Bananafeather the Amazing, Archer Extraordinaire and the Most Humble Person Ever , Son of King Avala, Ruler of Sotirod, Capital of the Continent of Gnimalf.
P.S. Don’t you DARE almost burn one of my letters again.
Squellys nodded sleepily, raked his fingers through his brown hair, tied the end off in a short ponytail, and then decided to see if there was anything good for breakfast.
-)(0)(-
Julian:
If you hate our titles so much, then don’t use them. Idiot prince.
Just tell me when and where, and I’ll show up. Matthew will undoubtedly miss me, but I’m sure that he can manage for a week or two without me. He can do his job, as frightening as the concept is.
I need to attend a meeting. WBS!
--Raven
-)(0)(-
Julian, you feathery banana, don’t complain about my title. It’s better than yours. Dumbass
I’m up for a quest, as long as there’s men involved and if Fluffy can come. I feel the need to cut things…
Yours truly,
Duke Kai Icedragon the Dangerous, Slicer of Unmentionables and Annoyance to Many, Heir to the Throne of Ragnox, Capital of Zarxoth
P.S. The middle of a dormant volcano is much easier to get into than the continent’s capital.
-)(0)(-
To: Prince Julian Bananafeather the Amazing, Archer Extraordinaire and the Most Humble Person Ever , Son of King Avala, Ruler of Sotirod, Capital of the Continent of Gnimalf
Your title is by far the worst because we have to force ourselves to spew lies about how great you are. I’m up for a quest, and yes, I’ll take a look at your bow. I’m already making special arrows JUST FOR YOU.
--Squellys Ucumber
P.S. If my country dies because it’s army’s captain is off doing other things, it’s completely your fault.
-)(0)(-
Julian sighed happily and nestled back into his bed, reading the letters that had all been delivered not even three days after he had sent his originals out.
“A quest…it’ll be good to be back outside in the wilderness again,” he murmured. “Maybe we can hit a bar or two on the way. With some cute men. Heck, maybe I’ll even land another prince.” Julian grinned and nuzzled his largest pillow, and then promptly fell asleep.
