When I was a small bit of fish bait like you, me and my uncle’s brother’s nephew’s stepsister ran away from home to go on an adventure. We stowed away on an Amish wagon, and ended up in the glorious city of Detroit. We were mystified by all that was around us—the cranky pedestrians, the overcooked hamburgers, the air pollution. We thought we’d stumbled on a little piece of heaven.

We met a toothless old bum named Alfred George Maryanne the III. (We just called him Al.) We loved old Al. I remember how he used to curse and threaten us…ah, yes, those were the days. But we had to leave old Al, because the National Guard found us and shipped us home UPS.

I’ll never know what happened to old Al. I wonder how he died…AIDS…syphilis…body odor…I guess I’ll never know. That’s how life is. You never get what you want. Like when the President passes bad education laws that make students take pointless standardized tests.

NOW EAT YOUR PEAS!!