On the Train

Danny was on the train. As he was, every day. He was a youth, and therefore was made to go to school, but was deprived of a car to get there with. Tired of carting him around everywhere, his parents had simply dropped him off at the train station one morning six years ago, and told him to get to school on his own. Now, he took the train everywhere. He found it soothing.

One day, on the train, an old man with white hair and a long white beard sat down. He was wearing a large, but tattered looking brown coat, and looked to be some sort of bum.

“Who’re you, then?” Danny asked, unkindly; it was his seat, and his seat alone, and had been for the past 6 years. He wasn’t about to share it, let alone with an old man. And he was an adolescent, which typically meant his manners were in short supply.

“I’m God.” Said the old man, in a surprisingly cultured and pleasant manner.

“Right.” Said Danny, and leant back into his chair, a slight frown on his face. He considered the old man for a moment.

“So that’s how you look, then? Old and wise and the beard?” Asked the youth, humouring him.

“Yes. Well, no. It’s just a form I wear when I visit. It’s how you lot see me, isn’t it?” Replied God, staring straight ahead, and chatting as though they were talking about the weather.

“So that “made in God’s image” thing is bullshit?” Danny asked, half-heartedly. He wasn’t very religious.

“Pretty much. A lot of the bible is all messed up, nowadays. It’s passed through so many hands...so many translations, alternate versions…bah. I should have another testament written.”

“Right.” Said Danny again, uninterested, and looked out the window. The pair sat there, God smiling pleasantly, and Danny shifting uncomfortably in his seat. All was silent for a few minutes.

“So…uh…christianity got it right then?” Danny finally asked, jokingly. The silence was too awkward for him, and his curiosity was piqued.

“Well, I suppose. All the religions did. Kind of. It’s hard to explain.”

“So are you the Christian God or the Muslim God?”

“Ah…well…both, really. What’s the difference between the two?”

Danny thought for a moment.

“I dunno. Never asked or anything. I just thought they were…different.” God shrugged. More silence.

“So, you made the Universe, then? And the Earth? In seven days?” God nodded.

“Well, I made the Universe. It was all just sort of…empty. Before. Then I made the vacuum, and…science got it right. Big Bang sort of filled it up a bit. Took a while. And the Earth… evolution, mostly. I just sort of…watched. And tweaked a few things. Took more than 7 days. More than 7 billion days. Or years.”

“Tweaked?” Asked Danny, having been drawn into the conversation, despite his normally surly and withdrawn nature.

“Well…cows, you know? They never ought to have existed. I figured you lot would get hungry, and sort of…made these little animals evolve into them. Took awhile.”

“Oh…” Said Danny, taking it all in.

The train ground to a halt, and a tiny girl stood up to leave. God pulled out a one hundred dollar note, and handed it to her as she left.

“Go buy your mother that hair-dryer she always wanted.” He suggested, and the little girl took the money, wide-eyed, before running down the stairs and off the train.

“So…you’re omnipotent? See all, can do anything, everything?” Asked the youth after another, shorter bout of silence, in which he eyed the pocket the money had come out of.

“Oh…yeah. Kinda. I know everything. And can do… a lot of things.” Explained God.

“So…if you know everything, can you tell me about my future?” Danny asked, hopefully, forgetting that this was just a hobo. God nodded, and smiled.

“You live.” He said, cryptically, and produced a bottle of coke from out of his coat.

“Thirsty?” He asked, holding out the bottle. Danny shook his head. God opened the bottle, and took a sip.

“Aaaah…liquid…you humans are so lucky…in all the universe, you’re the only ones who drink. Music too…it’s great. The movies aren’t so good, but there’s a few good reads around.” He leant back, and took another swig, nodding to himself.

“Yeah…you lot really don’t know how good you have it.”

“So, no aliens out there? Just us, here?” God nodded.

“Yeah…just you humans. You’re an experiment, of sorts. Free-will, and all that. I might set up some more life later in some other parts of the Universe. We’ll see.”

“Experiment? If you’re all knowing, how come you need to make an experiment?”

God’s eyes twinkled merrily.

“And that, my dear boy, is the question!” He smiled, happily.

“You’re quicker than most. Good quality. Try and do something with your life. Start a war, or invent something useful.”

“War? I thought you were against war.” Danny asked, frowning.

“A common misconception. I’m against unwarranted killing; if everyone killed each other, there’d be no society, no progress. But if no-one killed each other, then you’d be overpopulated, and would all die horribly. There’s a balance of sorts. Sounds stupid, but I know all, remember?”

“So that’s what you do, then? Go around starting wars? Hitler and all them?” Danny asked, somewhat shocked.

“Oh, no. Not me. Of course not. You people do all the wars. Though I am partially responsible. I did give you free will, after all. See, first of all, I made my angels. And they’re good, but they don’t ever really do anything. If it wasn’t for me, they’d all die of boredom or something. They have no free will…they’re basically slaves.”

Somewhere in the compartment, a baby started to cry. Danny winced. He hated children.

“That’s horrible.” Danny said, his frown deepening.

“Oh, not really. They don’t care. They’re like…animals. Intelligent animals. They are conscious, and think, but have no survival instinct, no ability to make choices. They know it all, though, and are comfortable with it. Besides, their services are needed. Both here and elsewhere. They’re mostly happy.”

“Hmmmm. So all the bad things in the world happen because of you? To keep the population down? Besides wars and stuff like that. Earthquakes and diseases.”

“Not really. Earthquakes happen because of shifts in the tectonic plates and diseases are mostly natural. Though yes, I do occasionally perform disasters and brew up plagues. Mostly to make a point, but for other reasons, as well. Ever read the Old Testament? Describes some of my best work. That was back in the days when you could wipe out an entire continent and no one would notice.”

The crying child had reached its crescendo, and several passengers had thrown dirty looks at the mother, who desperately tried to calm her child. God turned to look at the baby, who instantly fell asleep. Danny noticed the exchange, and was puzzled, for a moment.

“So…you aren’t really the kind and caring God of the bible, are you?” Danny asked, turning back to the conversations.

“I already told you what I think of the bible. But I do like humans. I do my best to make sure you don’t go and exterminate yourselves. Which is hard work… believe me. No, I just know the total extent of my actions. I know exactly what will happen if I do something, so I can make decisions based on that. You’d probably say I have no morals…I’m just the only one who can see the big picture, and act to make a difference in it. I kill thousands of people every day…but I have my reasons. Besides. I created you people. If I want you to do something, you’d damn well better do it, or I’ll destroy you.”

“That’s pretty…unfair. Isn’t it?” Danny asked, even more confused. The church had always pictured God as the “good guy”, and what God was saying seemed contrary to that.

“Oh, of course. Life is unfair. No justice at all. “What goes around comes around”. Ha! Sure, if someone’s acting like a total jerk, he’ll get what’s coming to him, but only if I’m in the mood. I gave Hitler herpes in those last few days in that bunker of his. It probably contributed to his suicide, actually. But yeah, I can do anything I want.”

“But you can’t just…kill a billion people for kicks!” Danny exclaimed.

“Why not? I don’t have to do anything. You lot are always asking for things…I don’t owe you anything. If anything, you people owe me! I can do whatever I want, and there’s nothing anyone can do about it. You’re just lucky I’m a nice guy.” Danny felt panicky. Those choice of words were uncomfortably close to what he thought before. Could God read his mind? In reply, God’s smile widened, and Danny felt a chill run through his spine. But God continued talking, nonetheless.

“Well, I am now. A nice guy, that is. I was a lot more vengeful back then in the good old days. Too much sin in the world? I flooded it, and killed everyone. Except Noah and his girlfriend, of course. Only decent human beings I could find on such short notice.”

Danny shifted uncomfortably.

“So how’s the world going at the moment?” He asked, changing the subject, and trying desperately not to think of anything “wrong”, though images of his girlfriend kept flashing in his mind, precisely because he didn’t want them to.

“Not too good, actually. I’ll probably have to invent some new disease or start a war or something soon enough. I don’t like intervening, but sometimes, it just has to be done.” His eyes closed for a moment, as though he was concentrating.

“Stay away from North America for the next few years. And try not to join the army.” He advised.

Danny suddenly seemed to realize whom he was talking to.
“So…you know everything, right? Can you tell me what the next lotto numbers are? And about the Loch Ness Monster? And the Abominable Snowman?” God smiled.

“Sure. 19405 94, doesn’t exist, and just a variant of gorilla that happens to live in the snow. Not the missing link, or anything, if that’s what you were thinking.”

“Missing Link? And what was that number again?” God just laughed.

“I’ll tell you another time. Then again, probably not.” He stood.

“You’re going?” God nodded.

“This is my stop.” He walked down the steps that led to the doors.

“Wait! Is there an afterlife? Am I going to Hell?” Danny called. God looked back, and smiled.

“Life’s too short to ask questions like that. You’ll find out soon enough. Goodbye!” He called up the stairs, and went out of sight.

Danny frowned. The train was going at full speed. What stop was God getting off at? And what did he mean “You’ll find out soon enough?” It was at this point that the train de-railed, sending it hurtling off the tracks. In the subsequent crash, all passengers died, save Danny, who contrived to survive without so much as a scratch on him. He tried to tell others about his encounter with God, but they only attributed the story to hallucinations caused by him hitting his head during the crash, until he himself believed it. He still didn’t join the army, though. As for the crash, it contributed to convincing the government that the infrastructure needed some upgrading, and the old and inefficient transport system was replaced with a fresh, new one that saved many lives and ensured that quite a few people came to work on time a lot more than usual.