The day is too sunny to be a sad day, but it is. I spent the whole morning seeing his family cry and myself crying from all their crying too. The pain just reaches up to me and takes me by surprise too. He’s gone, but no matter how many times I try to repeat it I still don’t want to believe it.

Crying and sorrowful faces are all around me. I turn to see a few, and am shocked by what I see. He was too young to leave them, this was not the time for him to leave us, and I plain can’t smile thinking that he left me, with so much we had ahead of us.

The wind blows away everyone’s tears. I see the coffin and know that’s not him anymore. He’s already someplace else. If he were around us, seeing the hurt he’s making us go through, he must feel terrible as well. If he is somewhere better, we all wish he’ll be happy where he is, but every one of us is still a little selfish and wishes he’s be here with us.

I see his parents and his little brother choking in tears, their breath is failing, they just don’t want to believe what they’re doing, tomorrow they want to wake up and for it to be Saturday again, and this has never happened.

I turn away, the pain is so much to bear and I feel that I might cry again too. I also feel my dad’s arm starting to surround me. I control my tears and move away slightly. I look at somebody else. He can’t believe it. He is crying just as hard as the parents, he was the last person to see him before the crash, he had told him to stay at his place, why didn’t he? That was chance trying to interfere with fate, and we wish so much he had listened.

Inside me, a storm dwells. He had been so many firsts to me. My first true friend, my first slow dancing was with him, my first phone call in the middle of the night for no apparent reason, my first friend with who I could be just me. And he was also the author of many good things: an amazing, soul ripening kiss that opened my eyes to the possibility of us someday being together, but we both said, it just happened, it’s okay it if happens again and okay if it doesn’t. That made sense. About a year later we found ourselves kissing each other again, only this time we were completely alone, not at some dumb party for a friend of mine. We were alone in his car and the kiss seemed to be going somewhere beyond just a kiss. I remember his scent, that unique musk that made me all warm inside that night. But then it was all cut short by a phone call. I don’t care what people say, he was a bad influence on me, or anything. He was my friend, and I feel that I didn’t always show to him how much I cared for him. I didn’t just love him, our relationship went deeper than that, we would talk about spirituality and talk about being kinky, we could talk about everything.

And now he’s gone. So many firsts still pending: he was going to be the first person I ever made love to, that was not decided, but I realized that if I had been able to chose someone it would have been him, and someday, very far from today, he’d be my boyfriend because we would someday realize we couldn’t live without each other. No matter what our families said, what we had was such a great thing.

I sigh, I will never let those memories fade away, now they’re all I’ve got. Lost time is never found again, never was that phrase so true. I lost to many time thinking is this right and is this wrong that I never fully explored what he meant to me. He was my soul, thanks to him I was able to touch the inner me and let it invade me and see outside. And I helped him too. He saved me from mutilating myself for some stupid bilbos, I saved him from a terrible abusive relationship a girlfriend of his once put him through. However, I could not save him from this. And for that, I feel terrible. Now a million I wish I had flood my mind, pushing through my veins, knowing I can’t change a thing.

People keep staring at the coffin, but, can’t they see? That’s not him. The great brother, son and grandson he was to all of those around him isn’t there anymore. Now he is all around us, I know he wouldn’t have wanted us to be sad, even if we can’t bear being without him. I look at the wind blowing restlessly, is he there? A part of the wind?

Suddenly I feel the sun on my back, warming me from neck to back, just as he once did. Off course he’ll never be gone. Now he can watch over us from wherever he is. And he knows that we cared for him all along, even if we didn’t speak it. I know for him I was just as important as he was for me. And that single thought makes me happy. I small smile tugs at my lips, the wind blows their way, and I part them to let a small sigh out. Of course he’s here.

I must not forget him, the memory of him will always flood my thoughts, and that memory will keep him alive to me.