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NOTES:
Typical high school stage, with two front curtains and a wide apron. Stage remains the same all throughout the play. Stage is split into four sections: two behind the curtains toward the center (distinguished by wall point and carpet in each set), and two in front of the curtains (for the miniature sets). The sets behind the curtains are called LBS (left back set) and RBS (right back set). The sets in front of the curtains are called LFS (left front set) and RFS (right front set). LBS features the studio scene. RBS features the apartment scene. RHS is the makeshift studio/bedroom scene. LFS is the life-size television scene. Before each scene, actors are already in position in the set and are frozen in place. Actors are only animated when the lights are turned on for their particular set.
ACT ONE
Apartment scene. Two sofas are to the left, perfectly perpendicular to each other. Kitchen counter behind sofa. Apartment door to left of counter, leads backstage. MACKENZIE KANE furiously scrubbing counters. At intervals, swipes hand at her eyes, sniffling. DEE enters through apartment door. Eclectic in fashion sense, always appears on stage with a different outfit from a different decade.
DEE
(Pausing to sniff air)
Something smells like Windex. Kenzie, are you cleaning again? You just cleaned the place yesterday.
MACKENZIE
Everything’s gathered dust. I have to make it all clean.
DEE
Oh, sweetie. I think I know what this is about. They rejected your movie presentation again, didn’t they? I’m so sor—
MACKENZIE
(Abruptly) They didn’t just reject it. They laughed at it. Murmurs is my baby! It’s a beautiful movie, and they laugh at it? (Sarcastic chuckle. Pause.) Then they told me to stop wasting their time with my stupid movies and— (Beat) I have to get this clean. (Continues scrubbing)
DEE
Kenzie, stop, stop, stop! (Shouts) Stop it! You’re going to ruin my counter and your knuckles are going to be skinned. (Softer) Speaking as your roommate and your awesome friend, listen to me when I tell you that you need to stop cleaning according to your feelings.
MACKENZIE
(Stops scrubbing. Collapses on couch with arms crossed. Begins arranging cushions around her.)
You’re right. (Sigh) 20th Century Fox is my last chance, though! If they aren’t impressed, then I’ll have to get my own funding. And well… (Derisive snort) I can barely pay the rent without my parents helping out. If Fox isn’t impressed, then Murmurs will never hit the big screen…
DEE
(Goes to hug MACKENZIE)
Don’t worry, darling. Jason will be bringing home groceries since it’s his turn this week. And you know he always buys that Fat Free, Vanilla-Not-French-Vanilla, 12-ounce, Non-Dairy ice cream that you like so much.
MACKENZIE
(Steps echo off-stage) I think I hear him now. If that ice cream isn’t non-dairy, I’m going to shoot him..
MACKENZIE exits through apartment door. DEE looks around the apartment before casually knocking a cushion to the floor. DEE whistles innocently and shuffles off stage. Lights turn off on set.
Studio/bedroom scene. Small television set on a table. FOX MAN #1 and #2 are frozen on a simple bed with a single pillow. Both men have the Fox logo printed prominently on their formal suits. MACKENZIE is amid explaining her movie, standing in front of television. Lights brighten on RHS.
MACKENZIE
S-so. That’s my movie Murmurs. I was thinking that the tagline could be, “Good things come in many forms. Even in a man who thinks he’s a woman.” I’m not entirely sure, but I could always improve it later… And I was hoping that I could make a short instead of a full-length feature…
FOX MAN #1
Miss Kane, I have seen many movies in my years at Fox, but I have never seen one like this. Critics will wonder why we had taken on such a project, undoubtedly.
(MACKENZIE, disappointed, stutters out apologies for wasting their time.)
FOX MAN #2
Miss Kane, why are you apologizing? 20th Century Fox could certainly use the critics’ acclaim. We’ll send our technical director to you in a few days to discuss lights, sound, etcetera. If you’ll us though, we are very busy men, you see… (Motions to door)
MACKENZIE
Oh, of course! Thank you for coming, gentlemen. I truly appreciate it.
FOX MAN #1 and #2 shake MACKENZIE’s hand and exit through apartment door. MACKENZIE falls on bed.
MACKENZIE
(Dazed)
Di—did they just… approve my movie? This must be a dream! (Pinches herself) Ow. Okay. Definitely not a dream. So… I have to celebrate! (Surges up, excited) I have to find Dee! And Jason! I- I have to make dinner! And wash the dishes – just as a small treat to myself. Dinner with my roommates and great-smelling dishwasher soap. Oh, this is exciting!
MACKENZIE rushes off stage right. RHS lights turn off.
Studio scene. Cameras are on the stage, pointing to a series of fake trees. FEMALE ACTOR sits beneath a tree, scowling while scribbling on a sketch pad. MALE ACTOR #1 is up in the branches of the same tree, looking down. MACKENZIE sits in her director’s chair, tapping her megaphone in an irritated manner.
MACKENZIE
Cut!
(All action stops.)
That was terrible. The worst I’ve seen in my life! I’ve seen drama on Maury that was better than this. You!
(Points to FEMALE ACTOR)
You’re supposed to look vacant and unseeing. You’re supposed to be blind! Your character Blindie is a ground-breaking artist because she can’t see what she’s drawing! Why would Blindie be looking at what she’s drawing? And you!
(Points to MALE ACTOR, who recoils)
You’re not a cat stuck up in a tree. You’re supposed to be an intelligent criminal, not a creepy stalker. You’re about to con Blindie, not meow at her. Goodness! Get it right!
FEMALE ACTOR and MALE ACTOR #1 sigh, roll their eyes. MALE ACTOR #2 enters stage left, huffing. He is carrying a revealing dress and wearing thick, obnoxious make-up usually reserved for hookers. Various cast and crew stare.
MALE ACTOR #2
I refuse to play the part of the transvestite! This wasn’t in my contract!
MACKENZIE
(Speaking slowly, as if speaking to a small child)
Yes, it was. Why else would I cast you as Philippa, formerly known as Phillip?
MALE ACTOR #2
Still. I refuse to play Philippe or Philippa, whatever. Make him play it! (Points to MALE ACTOR #1)
MALE ACTOR #1
Hey, don’t look at me. Being a trannie wasn’t in my contract for sure. I’ll be fine with my criminal, thanks.
MALE ACTOR #2
I didn’t want to switch with you, anyways. Hmph. I don’t want either of the lead male parts. I am a respectable actor. I shouldn’t be playing “intelligent criminials” and I shouldn’t be playing trannies because I’m better suited to be a hero.
FEMALE ACTOR
(Mumbling) Because it’s so hard for you to act intelligent..
MACKENZIE
(Scoffs) Then what do you want me to do, write a new part for you?
MALE ACTOR #2
Yes.
MACKENZIE
No! We’re already halfway through the production and inserting another character would ruin the storyline.
MALE ACTOR #2
It’s your loss.
MACKENZIE
Hah! What did I lose, a two-bit actor who makes his personal assistant take out the brown M&M’s? Thanks, but no thanks. I’d rather not have any divas on this project.
MALE ACTOR #2
And now you’re calling me gay. I refuse to take this abuse. You’ll be seeing my agent.
MACKENZIE
Fine! I can easily find a replacement for you anyways!
MALE ACTOR #2 exits stage left, again in a huff. MACKENZIE glares at cast and crew. They stumble over each other, feigning action.
MACKENZIE
(Jumps out of her chair)
I’ve had it! This… this is just… I can’t handle any more of this. All of you, go away!
MACKENZIE stomps off stage left. All is quiet for a moment. Cast and crew start trudging off set, muttering, “Can’t we find a replacement for her?”, “What a moody cow.”, etc. Ad lib. Lights dim in chaos. All freeze.
Scene 4:
Apartment scene, with a few additions. Pot of coffee on the counter, coffee table in front of couches. JASON sits on couch with feet propped up on the coffee table, reading. MACKENZIE bursts in through apartment door. JASON is unmoving.
MACKENZIE
Ugh! I can’t stand the actors I got set up with! What is with actors these days? Divas, all of them!
JASON
(Noncommittally) Mmhmm. Right. Yeah.
(Continues reading)
MACKENZIE
They just want to go and do their own thing and ignore everything I say. They don’t take constructive criticism at all and are unbelievably particular in every aspect of their lives – put your feet down, Jason, I just put a new finish on that table yesterday.
(JASON doesn’t move. MACKENZIE slaps his feet off the table.)
Actors are really insulting. Don’t they understand the meaning of tact? I can’t stand them!
As MACKENZIE speaks, JASON moves towards coffee pot. He pours a cup of coffee and shoves it into MACKENZIE’s hands. MACKENZIE shuts up immediately, sipping the coffee. JASON reclaims his seat. None of his actions stop his reading.
JASON
Sounds like someone I know.
MACKENZIE
Who? I don’t know anyone like that.
JASON
(Coughs) Is that right.
MACKENZIE
Pardon et moi? I am not like that!
JASON
I never said you were.
MACKENZIE
But you implied it, which technically is the same thing because implication is just like outright saying it, get what I’m saying?
(Sips coffee)
By the way, you’re terrible at making coffee. This is too bitter and not nearly creamy enough, moron. Plus, you spilled down the side of the mug. Is it so hard to stir a cup without spilling it?
JASON quirks an eyebrow. MACKENZIE frowns and plops down on the couch next to him. Silence. MACKENZIE surges up to her feet excitedly.
MACKENZIE
I have the perfect solution to all my problems!
JASON
Do you. Hm. That’s nice.
MACKENZIE
I do!
(Pause)
Don’t you want to know what it is?
JASON
I didn’t think I had a choice in the matter. You were going to tell me anyways.
MACKENZIE
You could be in my play! What do you think?
JASON
Fabulous. Brilliant. Einstein couldn’t have done better. It surpasses anything that Newton might have thought up.
MACKENZIE
(Annoyed) Stop being condescending. It’s annoying and I don’t like it. Now, I’m serious. You could be in my movie! Basically, it’s about this blind girl I call Blindie and she gets conned by this convict. And who goes to save her? Philippa the Trannie. So they bond and become friends and Philippa and the convict actually know each other so it’s a whole big mess of which loyalty and—
JASON
I’m not going to be in your movie, Mackenzie.
MACKENZIE
-you’d be so right for playing Philippa and- wait, what?
JASON
I’m not doing your movie, Kenzie.
MACKENZIE
But-but, why not? I mean, before they rejected you for that Paramount movie – which completely bombed in the box office, so who really cares – you were awesome! Plus, you could help me by being my inside man. It’s like The Departed on acid! Except I look so much better than Jack Nicholson, for sure..
JASON
(Interrupts, looks up from his book)
Kenzie, you can’t just do that.
MACKENZIE
Do what? Look, I’m tired of my so-called “actors” and they-
JASON
They? Kenzie, wake up! It’s not “they” who are the problem. It’s you! They may be part of the problem, but you aren’t helping solve it.
MACKENZIE
What?! I’m the problem? What is this, Attack-Kenzie Day? They’re the idiots who always get on my nerves and don’t do what I say.
JASON
You’re insensitive, Kenzie. You’re controlling and really tough to work with. I don’t even know how I’ve survived being your roommate all these years. When you don’t get your way, you don’t even consider compromising before throwing a tantrum. You’re just like your actors, Kenzie. Just how you described them. So no, Kenzie, I am not doing your movie.
MACKENZIE
Well.. well.. who needs you anyways!
MACKENZIE runs across stage into bedroom scene. RFS lights brighten. JASON exits through apartment door. RBS lights dim.
MACKENZIE
(Pacing, addressing audience) What does he know? Nothing. He knows nothing. I’m not insensitive. I’m just not afraid to tell people the truth. I’m not controlling. I just like to have things my way. And I most definitely do not throw tantrums!
(MACKENZIE grabs a pillow and hurls it at the wall at “tantrums”. DEE enters cautiously.)
Dee! Just the girl I need. Jason has been spitting out some bull about how I’m insensitive and controlling and picky.
DEE
Kenzie, Jason does have a point.
MACKENZIE
You too? Everyone is against me today!
DEE
Kenzie, you’re just a bit tough to work with sometimes. Your habits are endearing to me, since I know you so well, but they don’t know you at all. Sometimes, you just… have to make a compromise, you know? It’s just like that time you got the Yoplait yogurt instead of the Dannon kind that you loved. You ended up loving Yoplait once you tasted it. So.. just taste it, okay?
(Pause)
MACKENZIE
(Resignedly) Okay. (Beat) Dee?
DEE
Yeah?
MACKENZIE
You’re pretty much amazing, you know that right?
DEE
Oh yeah. I know. It’s great to hear, though. Say it again.
Both laugh and exit through apartment door. Lights fade on set.
ACT TWO
Studio scene. MACKENZIE and cast and crew members running a scene. Most of conversations are unintelligible, although audible. MACKENZIE is going through a script with FEMALE ACTOR. JASON enters stage left.
MACKENZIE
That was great, Blindie, but I need more emotion from you in this line right here because she’s vulnerable, remember?
(Notices JASON, who was prodding a fake tree)
Jason! Hi! I mean – what are you doing here?
JASON
I heard Murmurs was short of a trannie.
MACKENZIE
You’re going to be in my movie? Really?
JASON
(Casually) I can be persuaded.
MACKENZIE
Right. Look, Jason, I’m sorry about what I said. And… Thanks. I mean. Thanks for telling me what I needed to hear. And.. well.. (Weakly) I’ve stopped throwing tantrums? I’ve also learned to compromise. I’m practically an expert at it now. And I’ve stopped name-calling. For the most part. So uh.. convinced, yet?
(Long pause.)
JASON
(Pretends to think about it)
You’re a very persuasive girl. I think I can squeeze Murmurs in my schedule.
MACKENZIE laughs and hugs him. FEMALE ACTOR appraises him. Rest of cast and crew introduce themselves (“You were in Star Wars? Wow!”, etc.). Ad lib. Lights fade on scene.
Scene 2:
Apartment scene, with a few additions. TV from bedroom now inside apartment, with DVD player. DEE rifles through mail, discovers brown envelope labeled “Murmurs”. She squeals, putting CD inside in DVD player. Enter MACKENZIE and JASON. Both pause as DEE has her nose practically touching TV.
MACKENZIE
What, did the cast of Lost finally get found?
DEE
(Scandalized) What? No! But look! (Points to TV) I put in your movie! It’s finally here!
MACKENZIE
It’s done? Oh my gosh! It’s done! Jason, it’s done! Look, it’s done! It’s done, it’s done, it’s done, it’s done!
JASON
(Wincing) So I heard. Chill, Kenzie. What’s done?
MACKENZIE
Murmurs! They’ve finished the final touches! It’s done!
JASON
(Horrified) Oh, no, I’m not watching this. I’ll be back when it’s done. (Sprints out of apartment through door)
MACKENZIE
Jason! Oh well. His loss. Want some popcorn?
DEE
Would love it. Hurry up so we can watch it.
MACKENZIE disappears behind counter, reappears with popcorn. She immediately grabs a handful, picks out burnt ones, and throw them behind her carelessly. DEE stares.
DEE
(To herelf) Jason wasn’t kidding when he said she’s more chill… (To MACKENZIE) Kenzie, are you feeling all right?
MACKENZIE
Yeah, why?
DEE
Uh. Nothing. Never mind. Play the movie!
Lights dim halfway in apartment scene. Spotlight on LFS, where movie is “projected”. DEE and MACKENZIE are still reacting to movie. JASON and FEMALE ACTOR are unfrozen on TV set.
JASON
(as Philippa)
In everyone’s eyes, I’m not a woman. I’m a man pretending to be a woman. Inside, I’m a woman, but all anyone can see is a disfigured man.
FEMALE ACTOR
(as Blindie)
Well, I think you’re a woman, Philippa. I can’t even see you and I can tell.
Soaring music plays. Lights turn off on LFS. Lights turn on in apartment scene. JASON peeks inside door, reenters stage.
DEE
Jason, I have no idea what you’re talking about. Your final lines were beautiful!
JASON
I felt incredibly stupid saying them.
MACKENZIE
Hah! That’s no different than what you usually are. Dee, did I tell you about the time he walked out of the studio and a guy started hitting on him? Kodak moment, I swear.
JASON
(Blushing) Shut up. You said you wouldn’t tell that story.
MACKENZIE sticks her tongue out at JASON.
DEE
(Laughing) Kenzie, that movie was wonderful. Hands down.
MACKENZIE
Are-are you sure? I mean.. I didn’t want anything to be conventional, but I don’t know..
JASON
‘Conventional’ wouldn’t be the word I’d use for this movie. Once you put a transvestite in, ‘conventional’ should never be used.
DEE
I’m so proud of you, Kenzie. It’s about time you joined us in the real world. Cleaning and throwing tantrums can only take you so far..
MACKENZIE
Thanks, Dee. You’re my favorite.
JASON
What about me?
MACKENZIE
(Seriously) You’re only second favorite. (Beat) Just kidding. You’re my favorite, too.
(All smile. Talk about movie, ad lib. Lights slowly fade on scene.)
Author's Final Notes:
As I said in my summary, I love constructive criticism. Be as nitpicky as you want. Actually, the more particular the better. If you're having trouble figuring out what to help me with, here are some things that are commonly used in my Creative Writing class during critiques.
1) I would've liked to see more of (character name goes here)...
2) This scene was unclear to me...
3) This scene sounded awkward..
4) This character doesn't seem to be developed enough..
5) Any typos you may have noticed, or grammar mistakes..
Basically. The more you criticize my work, the better. While compliments are always lovely, I can do much more with criticism.
Any suggestions for a new title are also very much appreciated.