What Not To Do: Vampire/Romance

Warning: The following is an entirely facetious story that is based on the many vampire stories that are on Fiction Press. If you, at any time, find a resemblance to your vampire story, I advise you to immediately cover yourself in mayonnaise and dye your hair red. Not because it will make your story any less cliché but because it adds that little extra pizzazz to life. Trust me, I know.

“Honey, your pancakes are ready!”

Hey. My name’s Carrie and I am one badass bitch… when I’m not around my man. For some reason, whenever I’m around my baby, I just turn to goo. Hell, he could be the spawn of Satan and I’d still whimper under those smoldering eyes and pale, porcelain-like skin.

“I’ve made ‘em just like you like, with extra blood syrup!”

Which is good ‘cause “spawn of Satan” isn’t exactly untrue.

“Mine.”

I turn around and see him stalking towards me with a look that says, “I’m going to make raw animalistic love to you with only my eyes.” He does that a lot but, y’know, I’m not exactly complaining.

“Mine.”

His name’s Damien. But, come to think of it, all of his friends are named Damien too. Well, except his girl friends, they’re all called like Renee, Raquel, or something similarly foreign… preferably French.

“Mine.”

I watch him as he walks with primal grace to his pancakes and I think about the first time we met…

I was just a simple orphan girl, unaware of my massive untapped magical potential, and disenchanted with human men, as it were. He was the king of the Vampire underworld and emotionally, in addition to physically, dead.

We met at a club. It was a gothic club. Much like you know that your favorite story on will never be updated again, you also know that Vampires can always be found at gothic clubs.

It’s just a fact.

It was a fact that I didn’t know at the time, though. I never expected to find Vampires in the Bloody Mary.

That was the name of the club, by the way.

Being an outcast orphan with no friends, I decided to drown my inner problems by dressing as sluttily as possible and joining in on the mass of writhing bodies.

I don’t like to be touched but when large, manly hands slipped around my tiny but very athletically toned waist I felt an immediate spark and could not bring myself to walk away.

“Mine.”

He’d whispered it in my ears but I had a hard time hearing it over the blast of music so I’d replied, breathlessly,

“Yeah, I’m fine.”

We’d grinded provocatively against each other for a few minutes when I heard him speak again.

“Mine.”

And, again, I’d had a difficult time hearing what he’d said. My immediate thoughts were, “Oh my God, he’s blind!”

So, I’d whipped around to see what a blind person looked like ‘cause I’d never seen one before.

The whole club came to a grinding halt (no pun intended) when I looked at this stunning creature before me. He was perfection. His eyes were perfect, his sunless skin was perfect, his unnaturally long, pointy teeth were perfect… he was just perfect.

“Oh my God,” I’d thought, “Blind people are so hott!”

“Mine.”

He’d said it again and this time, for some reason, I decided to go very feminist and hate him for ever acting like I was a possession in the first place. Though, I was already deeply in love with him.

And thus, we fell in love. But, y’know, we actually fought every time we talked, even over the littlest stuff like killing people and sucking them dry. Or how much I hated him and how annoying I was to him.

So, it was a love/hate relationship at first. I mean, I’d found out my parents had been killed by his parents and now he was supposed to kill me, but it was all good. Oh, and then there was that Vampire bitch ex-girlfriend of his that was like, so jealous of our growing love. And then he totally flirted with her to make me jealous but it totally backfired when we had another fight and ended it by having the most hot, passionate, wild, orgasmic sex in the history of man and vampire kind.

Yeah, it was pretty good.

Oh! And then, there was like this completely evil Vampire that was trying to take over and just when it looked like he was going to kill Damien (my Damien, by the way, not... y’know, every other Damien) I stepped in and unleashed all that magic power that had been contained inside my skinny yet laws of nature defying body.

But, that made me totally sick, like I couldn’t even move but Damien (again, my Damien) healed me with his Vampire powers, which made him sick so I let him drink my blood and so we became like, life partners from that moment on.

Yeah. That’s pretty much how it went.

Uh oh, Damien’s finished his pancakes and he’s looking at me again.

“Mine.”

So, yeah, I better go ‘cause we’re gonna go have sex again. Surprise.

“You know I’m still mad at you, right?”

“Mine.”

“Nuh-uh you don’t get out of it that easily mister! I mean, I may have no idea why I’m mad at you but that doesn’t mean I shouldn’t be!”

“Mine!”

“Fine! I forgive you, but only because you’ve reduced me to a puddle of a woman.”

“Mine?”

“Forget it. Let’s just go have sex.”

“Mine!!”

The End.