I popped open the 5th tab of my large can of sprinkles picking my appropriate poison. Closing my eyes and flipping my head back, I stuck the can to my mouth and pounded it with my other hand. I attempted to OD on one of the only legal drugs left; sugar.

The car ride was more than awkward, it had far surpassed awkward and moved onto a new unclaimed plane. The grip August had on his steering wheel could easily signify the grip he had wanted to put on my neck. I was dropped off at the front of my door without even a slight wave of ‘good-bye.’ There were probably skids marks on the street thanks to August’s quick departure.

I hope Bradley loves August’s new pair of jeans. I also hoped that Bradley would enjoy the discount card and the social benefits of dating a model. Living up the luxury that he now owned a piece of sculpturesque beauty to it’s fullest. Lastly I hoped August relished in seeing those pants on Bradley’s floor because there was no question in my mind that as fast as he puts them on is as fast as they’ll come off.

Jealousy is the perfect accessory for my wicked imagination.

I choked on a crown shaped sprinkle and slammed the can against the kitchen counter gasping for air. “Um, Adam?” I heard Greg’s voice as I opened my eyes to regard him standing in the doorway. “Do I even want to know?”

I flipped the sentence over in my mind while pounding on my chest for air. “No,” I said hoarsely.

Greg shrugged and said, “I figured that. Sprinkles are a solid, not a liquid champ.”

I snapped the pop-top down and stood on my tip-toes to place it back onto of the kitchen cabinet. “I know that,” I responded.

“Then, what was-“ Greg started but I immediately cut him off.

“You said you didn’t want to know, just let it go,” I said.

Greg shrugged again and pushed past me to the fridge. I’m sure he’d be in the same stoic fashion if he found me dead on the kitchen floor tightly gripping the can of sprinkles. Stepping over my body as he grabbed a ham sandwich. Half the time he was in his own little world, headphones permanently mounted in his ears or cell phone glued to his hand.

I made my usual hop, skip, and jump down the steps to my lair. I took the familiar path to my computer and plopped myself into the desk chair, slipping my shoes off as I booted it up. Consistently following the same routine each night until the day I died, I had assumed. Fingers swiftly tapping the keys, logging onto various online accounts.

First things first, was to check my blog. There were seven new comments. It seemed to be the same repetitive deal, but I gave them a quick skim. Two of them were more than the usual, “you’re in my thoughts,” or “I would hug you if I could.” One read:

Wow, what a situation. I know how just about anyone can tell you that it will all be ok and not experience the situation first hand, but god knows all about it. He knows exactly what is going to happen but please, please promise me this; do not leave her! That is the worst thing that you could do at this point. It really threatens the child’s safety if she does flip out. I’m praying for you!!

Proverbs 3:5-6

Trust in the Lord with all your heart
and lean not on your own understanding;
in all your ways acknowledge him,
and he will make your paths straight.

It was a very thought provoking comment. The writer obviously had a strong faith and pronounced religion.I felt kind of awful. She was praying for me? Getting God involved? I really shouldn’t be cringing over an all-knowing super force, but for some reason it irked me. Someone was praying for me. Someone who didn’t know me at all was asking God to help me out. Shouldn’t I be doing that of all people?

It was my mistake, isn’t this just my just-desserts or was this really all as planned out as she made it sound? I was at no condition to begin questioning my faith currently. My mother and father placed me in a catholic school for the most developing phases of my life.

I can’t remember much, except that we had to go to church, pray before we ate anything, and that I cried a lot. The crying was sometimes for legit reasons like pinching my fingers in the door or less rational reasons like someone stealing the sheep I had worked so hard to stay in the lines while coloring.

It gave me something to think about. When was the last time I had ever prayed? I choked on the thought recalling the memory of my father. The familiar feeling of seeing my parents cold face staring at me from inside a box. I remembered the chill of a flurried wind nipping at my nose, freezing my tears to icicles under a crowded tent.

I remember how I spilled my guts online solely on death. What a tragic boy.

My mother stood the closest while I lost myself among the crowd with my brother and “sister.” I didn’t know what to say; I still don’t know what to say. I didn’t want to believe it happened but he was gone. They were going to lower the man who gave me life into a hole in the ground like he was just another corpse.

Was the comment suppose to make me feel offended or embraced?

I let my head fall into my hands, burrowing it in polyester folds of my sleeves. I imagined everything around me melting like my tears melted into the fabric. How much of a man was I crying? Life and death are things that are dealt with on a day to day basis.

The familiar chime of an instant message shook me from my spiraling downfall. I rubbed my eyes and squinted focusing on the screen. It was Duane, nothing new here. I sniffed up a load of phlegm and opened the message.

BeautifulxCrisis: Hey

I couldn’t believe no one else was on. I hated plaguing him with my problems. He was 15 years old, it’s not like he understood. He confessed his lack of experience many times, and I didn’t hate him for it. I respected him for staying true to himself up to this point so far.

I didn’t feel like answering, but maybe it was some sort of sign. This stupid computer generated hello, was actually reaching out me because I really needed it. Much like when the phone rings when you’re crying. One must dry the tears and make the choice.

BeautifulxCrisis: You there?

I sighed heavily and pondered what to write. As I began to type, another message popped up.

Rich86: Hey princess.

Life isn’t fair. I simply did not want to deal with being virtually ogled by that 21 year old last-hope. My mouse hovered over the block button. He wouldn’t know the difference, he was a complete stranger and I could always unblock him later.

BeautifulxCrisis: Hmm, Adam?

I quickly hit the block button. Adam was more important than “princess” right now. I wanted to be treated like a human being.

GoryGoryValetine: Hey, sorry about that.

I apologized hoping it would shake any worries involving my lack of response.

BeautifulxCrisis: So you are there. :) How are you?

GoryGoryValetine: A mess. And you?

Atleast I was being honest. The pauses were killing me.

BeautifulxCrisis: Aww, I’m sorry to hear that. What’s wrong?

His genuine care was touching but I mentally censored myself before typing a response.

GoryGoryValentine: Let’s see, I totally blew things with Matthew today, apparently meeting his new beau tomorrow, and someone shoving their religion down my throat.

BeautifulxCrisis: Lol. What do you mean?

GoryGoryValentine: I literally, ran after him. I never run.

BeaufitulxCrisis: And he’s dating someone?

GoryGoryValentine: They weren’t with. It doesn’t’ matter. I don’t know how to explain it without using strong word that makes an idiot out of myself. You know, that short 4 letter one starting with the letter “l”?

BeautifulxCrisis: You love him. :O

GoryGoryValentine: I fail to believe in love, so no. I just can’t explain it. I feel he should be mine. I’m the one whose known him longest, the one he’ll always come back to. He knows everything I want and everything I need. We’re perfect.

BeautifulxCrisis: That sounds like me and my friend, Noel. I feel guilty for liking him.

The conceited whore in me was pissed that he was putting the spotlight on myself. But then again I thought it was a little owed. Not that I drop everything just to listen to some stranger.

GoryGoryValentine: Why?

BeautifulxCrisis: Because he’s perfect for me, but I can’t have him.

GoryGoryValentine: Why not?

BeauitfulxCrisis: He’s the straight guy whose into the popular girls.

There was nothing in my power, or anyone’s power to change this re-occurring problem. I suppose it should happen more often but then again, I was lacking in friends and the friends I did have were perfectly accepted with my sexuality. I don’t really have any straight friends, minus the girls, but even those are minimal. It’s not like I went to high school day in, day out, lusting over every generically chiseled hottie.

GoryGoryValentine: I don’t know what to say.

BeasutifulxCrisis: Because I’m stupid for liking him. So stupid.

I paused for a brief second thinking of what to say to console Duane.

GoryGoryValentine: You’re not stupid, I’m stupid. If you ever feel stupid, just compare your life to mine.

BeautifulxCrisis: Haha. That doesn’t work, I envy you.

GoryGoryValentine: ...I’d trade you any day.

BeautifulxCrisis: I’d kill to be you.

GoryGoryValentine: Well, load up that shot gun because I’m all for a swap.

BeautifulxCrisis: Haha, you have to be kidding me. What do I have that’s worth it?

I pondered this thought for a second. Believe it or not, I wasn’t just being nice, I really would love to trade with obese 15 year old freshman. My problems weighed me down more than he his love-handles. Continuous problems only started to arise around the later 2 years of my high school career. What was I doing when I was 15? Absolutely nothing. It would be like going back in time and getting another chance at life, a chance to fix my stupid mistakes.

GoryGoryValentine Youth, innocence, and opportunity. What do I have? A kid and an attached female. No sane person wants to deal with that; ever.

BeautifulxCrisis: I don’t know...I babysit all the time and all my friends are girls. Besides, those three aren’t everything. I’m singled out.

GoryGoryValentine: You’re 15, you have time.

BeautifulxCrisis: How am I suppose to get a boyfriend if my parent’s don’t know I’m gay.

GoryGoryValentine: My parent’s don’t know I’m gay either, let alone have my own kid.

There was a short pause but Duane pulled through.

BeautifulxCrisis: Really?

GoryGoryValentine: Yes, really.

BeautifulxCrisis: And you had a boyfriend?

GoryGoryValentine: Yeah, but it was my best friend so it wasn’t really an issue.

BeautifulxCrisis: Wow.

I was a little puzzled at his comment. He went from being totally down in the dumps to slowly creeping into an attack pose.

GoryGoryValentine: What?

BeautifulxCrisis: I don’t know, I just thought they’d know.

GoryGoryValentine: Oh, nah.

I adding a tic mark to my mental score board. Socially awkward: 1 Adam: 0. Re-reading the statement made me feel less than stellar.

BeautifulxCrisis: Are you going to tell them anytime soon?

GoryGoryValentine: All that is left is my mother and I guess I will eventually.

BeautifulxCrisis: Awwww. My half hour is up now. :( I’m sorry, talk to you later.

GoryGoryValentine: Yep.

BeautifulxCrisis: 3 Love ya.

GoryGoryValentine: Yep.

BeautifulxCrisis has signed off.

I hated when people did that to me. I obviously hadn't reached my closure yet. Closure is important! I'm important. Stupid schools locking up my closure for seven hours a day. Stupid eight hours of sleep that needed to be reached everyday for a full charge of human battery.

I leaned far back in my chair cracking my knuckles above my head. I’ve lost the chance of telling both my father and my grandmother my little secret. Honestly, I wasn’t sure enough to tell the one, and was too afraid to tell the other. My mother? I’d have to see her another sixty years or so down the line. It would be like making an awkward comment to someone and then avoiding them for the rest of your life. As much as I would have liked, there is no way I’m avoiding my mother for the rest of my eternity.

Did he even know my father died? It was hard keeping track of my fans. My life was archived on the internet for anyone to read. I know I only added him to my buddylist lately, so it was likely he didn’t read post-for-post starting at the beginning of time. I bounced my toe gently off the leg of the desk, leaning at a dangerous angle.

How much of what I wrote was reality and how much of it was just for show? I’m positive I wrote about my father’s death. I remember staying up all night, typing away a depressing entry pondering life’s endings. I know all about death. Everyone knows about death, and at one point or another experiences it first hand.

But soon it would be my chance to experience life. I felt the back of the chair falling backwards and finally tipping over leaving me on the floor. “Note to self: save the obscure thinking sessions for bed,” I thought as I lay forlorn on the carpet. Another point to socially awkward.

---

Author's Note: Sorry this chapter is long and boring. Considering to re-edit it before I post another chapter. Getting through all the chat sessions is rough. I'm not very good at dialogue as you can tell throughout the story, besides internal commentary.

Regardless, let me know what you think about it? If you like it already, sweet I'm winning. If not, tell me what's not flying well. And sorry it took so long to crank this sucker out. Recently I've been accidently writing over previous chapters, leaving me with 2 identical chapters in a row. Not intentionally though, so bare with me and my lack of technalogical skills.

The story will pick up eventually, I'm just setting a lot of ground and trying not the hit the major events too early.