Welcome to my random story of stories! I thought I’d kick it off with an oldie, but a goodie and a very random piece, too. Hope everyone enjoys!

Oh…I actually heard about this article (which I used for the findings of Tell’s colleague in this piece) through a friend, so I don’t know it word for word, but hey. It gave me this idea and I thought it was too funny to pass up. Now this is quite recent and not something someone in the 60’s would even care about, but hey. I couldn’t resist.

On with the show!

Why West thinks scientists are full of shit

“Honey, I’m home,” West yelled slamming the door to the large apartment

“We heard you,” Layne said distractedly while she peered over Tell’s shoulder

“What are you two doing?”

Tell glanced up from the papers in his hands to where West was still standing in the doorway. He smiled a bit and straightened up in the armchair while Layne sat on the arm of it looking relaxed. This was completely like the pair of them, so West took no notice.

“We’re just reading over this paper a colleague of mine sent to me. It’s really quite interesting,” Tell answered

“Oh…I’m sure it is. What’s for supper?” West asked loosing interest the moment Tell said it was something from someone just as or possibly longer winded than he was.

“I think you should know what it says in here,” Tell commented

“Does it tell me what’s for dinner?”

“Don’t be stupid.”

“West, it’s actually really interesting this time. I read it,” Layne assured him “It’s even kind of funny.”

“I’ll listen to it if you can tell me about it in under five minutes,” West promised, knowing anything Tell read by a friend of his took a lot longer than five minutes to get across

“Alright, it should take even less than that.” Tell shrugged as West sat down to make himself comfortable “My friend is currently studying hormones. You remember what those are?”

“Yes, Tell. You only told me about them last week,” West grumbled

“For reference, the body produces them and they determine sex - feelings and urges - and body chemistry,” Tell stated

“I know!” West answered, but his look of relief was apparent to all of them

“Well, my friend was specifically studying hormones in the female body while pregnant. He was running tests on a bunch of different ladies when he noticed something.”

“What? That they were ladies?” West asked and Tell rolled his eyes before continuing

“He knew that already, brother. Now, kindly shut up so I can finish this story,” Tell requested and West sank deeper into his chair “As I was saying, he discovered something interesting. Apparently producing the male hormones her son needs is draining on a woman’s body after three times. So she has trouble producing enough for the fourth and so on.”

“Does that explain why Carol is completely mental? And Jim, too?” West asked in a bored tone

“West, let him get to the good part,” Layne instructed

“There’s a good part?”

“Yes. As I was saying, since the female has so much trouble producing hormones for the fourth son my friend decided to study these boys in adolescence and adulthood. Now, the results aren’t set in stone and it’s still a working theory that needs more study, but the results are promising and –”

“Tell, get on with it,” West groaned

“Fine. The theory is that the fourth son and onward have a greater chance of being homosexually inclined.”

West looked lost and Layne sighed, expecting this reaction.

“That means they’ve got a pretty good chance of being gay,” she clarified

West looked like realization dawned on him before looking at his siblings suspiciously.

“Well, I guess it sucks to be Ranse and Cali and Aries.” West shrugged “What’s it got to do with me and why is it funny?”

“West, I’m a girl. It doesn’t mean anything to me,” Layne sighed

“And you, little brother, are the fourth child in the family,” Tell reminded

“No I am not,” West replied looking a little uncertain “I’m number three.”

“No, you’re number four. You were pregnancy number three,” Tell corrected “Tatton and I shared a pregnancy as twins but we were completely separate babies.”

West stared at Tell for a full minute before holding up his fingers and counting his older brothers out on his fingers. He stopped a few times and shook his head a few times more before glaring at his siblings.

“I am not Gay. Why the fuck did you bother telling me that?” he demanded

“Well, we thought it was amusing,” Tell sighed

“That friend of yours is the one who’s gay. Where does he get off assuming these kids are gay? I am not gay. I like women, plural,” West articulated

“We never said –”

“Do you two have any idea how many women have slept with me? Here’s an easier one to calculate, do you know how many men have slept with me? None! That’s right! Have I ever wanted to sleep with a man? No! I can’t speak for other dudes wanting to sleep with me, but if they even tried it, I would kick their asses from here to Jersey. And my own brother and sister are the ones implying it. Nice job guys, you really know me well.”

“Me thinks the lady doth protest too much…” Tell muttered

“I ain’t no lady, neither! Say it again and I’ll kick your ass, you asshole,” West threatened

“West, relax. It was meant to be funny,” Layne said moving from the arm of Tell’s chair, just in case…

“It was just a study, West,” Tell sighed “I won’t ever read one to you again.”

“Promise?” West asked and Tell glared at him “It’s just as well. Scientists are full of shit.”

“Scientists are the ones who came up with all the antibiotics and the medicines keep you from getting sick and patch you up,” Tell reminded “Why they would waste them on you is beyond me…”

“You’re sure you’re Tell?” Layne asked and Tell gave her a reproachful look “I’m just saying you’re acting a hell of a lot like Tatton with that attitude.”

“Maybe there’s some study that will explain why both of them act so different and then they can doth and protest for a while,” West said looking for the right words and failing miserably

“West, Tell, just drop it,” Layne sighed

“You know, if I’m the fourth son and I’m anything but gay, you have to wonder about Aries and Ranse,” West said thoughtfully

“They aren’t gay, either,” Layne defended

“Come on, Cali. Aries called Ranse ‘Baba’ until he was like 8 and Ranse was pretty fruity while we were growing up. You were his best friend even though there were five of us to do manly things with him. The guy would have never been able to have chick friends unless he was after males. No wonder he always wanted my attention…”

That’s about as far as West got before Layne jumped on him and started hitting him. West threw up his hands to protect himself, not wanting to lower himself to hitting a girl, and yelled loudly for her to stop.

“I knew I should have just told Kim I wouldn’t proof read his findings,” Tell said to himself before getting up to go and dump the papers in the garbage

Perhaps West was right and scientists were full of bullshit and maybe he was way out in left field on this one. One thing was for sure, Tell Lupin was going to keep his word and never read West anything out of a medical journal again.

Fin

See ya in the funny papers!!!

Sonah