Reich Wars: The Legend of Panzerfaust

By Doktor Beppo

The Flags of Our Fuhrers

The final battle was close at hand. Adi stormed up the Temple Mount, slicing and shooting his way through hordes of Juzis. The outer wall of the Temple was ringed with menorahs made from the skulls of Germans, Arabs, and other nationalities the Juzis had annihilated. On the top of the temple was a flag with the Star of David on it.

Battling through the ghastly sights, Adolf made it into the inner sanctum of the Judenfuhrer himself, David Ben-Gurion. Ben-Gurion held an Uzi in each hand, and had a wicked grin.

"So, the so-called One made it this far," he taunted. "But, your Prophecy of Barbarossa will never be fulfilled!"

"I'm going to take you out!" Adi shouted. "You killed my teacher, my father, and my homeland! I'll never forgive you!"

The head Juzi began laughing.

"What's so funny?" Adolf yelled. "Tell me!"

"Oh, you still don't know?" Ben-Gurion replied.

"What?!" Hitler shouted. "It's probably going to be lies, anyway!"

"I am you!" Ben-Gurion exclaimed. "At least, a Hitler from a parallel world. After I died, I found myself in the body of this Jew. Since that day, it has been nothing but hell! I turned on every nation I could find...even my own homeland. But my torment is not over yet! I used the Jewish art of Krav Maga, and combined my own Panzerfaust with it. Come, Adolf! You shall face the only other living master of Panzerfaust!"

Adi and Ben-Gurion drew their guns and fired. Adi dodged out of the way and fired. Ben-Gurion dodged them, and returned fire. Hitler dodged again. Both of them were now out of ammo. Ben-Gurion struggled to reload, and knelt down. Adi drew his zweihander, and prepared for the finishing strike. He slashed down, and the blade shattered as Ben-Gurion blocked it with his fist.

Ben-Gurion then delivered a rising front kick to Adi. The young German was hit and fell down, bleeding. Adi quickly recovered and tried his most powerful attack. He raised his hand towards Ben-Gurion, and yelled, "SIEG HEIL!"

Ben-Gurion stood unfazed it. "You shall need to do better than that!"

Just then, Hitler remembered Eva's words about the nature of Jews. Even if this was himself in a Jewish body, the nature of the body would still respond the same way. Reaching into his pocket, Hitler threw his spare change at Ben-Gurion. The Juzi leader stood mesmerized by the flying coins, and tried to grab them. He turned his back to Adolf. Adolf grabbed what was left of his blade, and shoved it into the Judenfuhrer's back. Realizing that the Jews lacked traditional hearts, he instead rammed the sharp metal into his neck, severing his windpipe and spinal column. Ben-Gurion then melted into a puddle of black sludge.

Just then, the Temple began to collapse. Juzi grunts ran for cover as Hitler ran out of the collapsing fortress. Then, standing on top of the pile of rubble, he placed the swastika flag of the Axis Alliance. The Axis soldiers began cheering. They had one the day.

Adolf and Eva were married soon afterwards, with Benny as their best man. Memorials to Tojo were constructed in Tokyo. Adi assumed his role as Kaiser of the Axis Reich. The Reich now included Germany, Italy, and Japan. All were liberated from Juzi rule. The former Juzi puppet nations were only too happy to sign peace treaties with their liberators.

Hitler, still, however, could not shake the sensation that Ben-Gurion was right. What if he truly was an evil genocidal megalomaniac? One night after many decades of wise rule, Adolf could no longer take it, so he jumped off the top of the rebuilt Reichstag. His body hit a gas main and electric lines in ways that resulted in a massive explosion. As the Reichstag burned, a Frenchman named Charles du Gaulle snickered off to the side. It was time for France to crush the Reich...

The End.

PS:

This entire story was written to offend, but not without purpose. I crammed just about every scifi, fantasy, and thriller trope I could into this story to show that many were innately racist and deranged. If you write stories with innately evil races (like orcs, goblins, undead, etc.), glorifying feudalism and "rightful heirs" to thrones (never mind monarchy sucks), and the like, you're already on the same path as Tolkien, Lewis, and Wagner and the writing style known as "romanticism." This was satired quite well by Norman Spinrad's "The Iron Dream," a novel with the premise "What if Hitler wrote sci-fi?" and has a Gary-Stu self insert Hitler as its main character (much like this own story).

Need I remind some readers that racism of any sort sucks? Germany has produced many innovations and great works of art, science, and philosophy. The Nazi scum were the worst moment in an otherwise interesting culture. Without Germany, there would be no Kant, no printing press, no Beethoven, no Goethe, no Protestantism, no Nietzsche (who hated anti-Semitism), and not to mention countless military technology advances. And German-Americans are the largest ethnic group in the USA. The Nazis were a horrid part of history, but recognizing the horrible philosophy behind their party should prevent their crimes from being repeated. And the basic, racist ideas in that philosophy are so common in fantasy and some science fiction, it would make Goebbels proud. Nazis, racism, and fascism suck.