Throwing Up Life

Tossed myself over my shoulder

And hoped it hurt,

Hoped it bruised and

Spread the blood through my belly

In an explosion of warmth

Wanted to bleed stomach acid

When the pain needed a release

Felt the stars touch my eyes

Burn them out

Take them and toss them

Across the sky

I scrambled through space

Looking for something in the dark

Wondering why I could not breathe,

Why I was stuck floating alone

Fell down through the air

Looking first one direction

Then the next

Hoping no one saw the scars along my toes

I bent over

Ran fingers along the ridges of my calves

Hair, I pulled it out, let the blood pool and run

Razor burn, but no razor in sight

Did I say I hoped I was alone

Locked behind the four walls of my room

Staring empty eyes at the whitewash

That hallowed my gaze

Leaving traces of paint in the air and my lungs

Lies, I am so close to being Sorry

That Sorry skimmed along my heart

I was just fine

Determined to make my world Hell

Torturing myself because I wanted to hurt

The Earth around me

Take perfection and leave imperfection in its place

I was just fine

Looking to make humans care

When all the humans had hearts of steel

That my pleas were not

Hot enough to melt

I was just fine

Reached out half a dozen fingers

Prickled from needles to sew myself apart

Throwing patches of my skin

All along my life

Leaving flesh marks nailed into the wood

Of a thousand furniture pieces

Room after room

I swept through my disease

Knowing I was just fine

Taking out all of my pretend problems

Out on a pretend world

Out on people I thought would care

But I was just fine

Fine enough, well enough

To discover

I could count on little more than myself

If I wanted to heal my invisible wounds

It was a long journey to reach the end point

And take my beating heart in my hands,

squeeze out all of its taint

And then thrust it back into my chest

It was a long journey to reach the end point

Sometimes I wonder if I have reached it yet.