FictionPress.com - let the words flow| FictionPress.com - let the words flow |
| Home Just In Communities Forums Beta Readers Dictionary Search | Login Register Extras |
LEMMINGS
In no particular order
Solemn Coyote
Solemn
Coyote is trying something new. He’s got a top hat and a black
cane. He thinks he looks rather suave for a quadruped.
Mobman
Follow me to temptation or I'll bound and gag you in the trunk of my car.
Canilla Stylo
I'm hearing voices in my head... And not the usual ones, either.
WyrdWolf
Guru
of Irrelevance and Irreverence
WyrdWolf is a talking Lupine
who occasionally brings back a nice dead rabbit or bird for his best
friends.
Sakka
Fenikkusu
The great, powerful and egotistical phoenix who
somehow manages to hold a pencil without burning it.
Keba Si Rota
Future Rock Star
A foxy singer who loves
performing even though she is still on the hunt for a band
Felicia13
Pretty, charming, insane. It makes sense on her.
Multiples of Six
May or may not be heir to the mafia, but we’ll never know because
no description was submitted.
Burnt Bread
Leader of the fierce Tamanegi Atama
Currently handling financial troubles with Windex
In kindergarten, ‘underpants’ is probably the funniest word in the English language. Not much changes in the years to follow.
I make no apologies for the extremely abstract and difficult topic this month and I applaud those who rose up to the challenge! One writer who deserves special mention is Solemn Coyote who has not only pulled through with many submissions, but has somehow moved the hearts and hijacked the minds of other FictionPress writers in order to get them submitting. Great work Solemn, you’re a credit to your race.
Wit, as defined in the dictionary is (word for word) ‘the keen perception and cleverly apt expression of those connections between ideas that awaken amusement and pleasure’, and though that definition is very good, I would also like to remind readers about a much more archaic definition of wit.
Wit is knowledge. To know. To be knowledgeable.
Therefore, to understand wit, one must first understand the meaning of what exactly it is to know. Though we don’t ever really think about it, to know something requires more than being aware of it. Granted, awareness is the first step to knowledge (how can you come to know something if you’ve never heard of it or thought of its?), but more steps need to be taken in order for that awareness to turn into knowledge. To know something, one must also understand it. And in that understanding, we inevitably tie our own experiences in interpretation, forming an independent definition of the object of our awareness. Only once we have assimilated the material into our sense of identification can we really say that we ‘know’ something, but even then, our knowledge can be incorrect.
I define wit in a much higher sense than a simple quip or repartee. Wit is brave, passionate and chivalrous, courteous but sharp. It is assertive without being blunt; a lesson learned without the sting of humiliation. As you’re probably aware by now, I have totally and biasly omitted sarcasm from my definition because I just don’t think that it’s something smart people do. Nothing good grows from sarcasm and it moves through spite rather than intellect. To mock someone or something doesn’t show how smart one is, rather just how much fear one has. And fear leads to anger, and anger leads to hate, and hate leads to… you can fill in the blank.
For me, wit is a sense of wisdom that exceeds textbook formulas and cheap pocketbook joke books. To have wit is to have an innate understanding of yourself and the influential forces that surround you. Wit is untouchable and moves with a certain grace that sows envy in those who pretend to know, and respect in the learned.
Wit is the inside joke that everyone laughs at though no one understands. It is the salt of the earth, the oasis in wasteland, and for a gifted few, it is the stem of greatness.
And with no further adieu, ladies and gentlemen, I give you Issue 5. Wit.
"It
requires wisdom to understand wisdom: the music is nothing if the
audience is deaf."
-Walter Lippmann
Often I feel as though people cannot grasp the difference between these two very different concepts. Let us first look at their definitions to see the differences there.
wit, the keen perception and cleverly apt expression of those connections between ideas that awaken amusement and pleasure (also speech or writing showing such perception and expression); understanding, intelligence, or sagacity; astuteness
sarcasm, harsh or bitter derision or irony; a sharply ironical taunt; sneering or cutting remark
Sagacity? Derision? What do these words mean? Very simply put, wit is the ability to cleverly put words together and sarcasm is using irony as a way of being mean. Honestly, do you see a connection between the two? Let us now look at a way in which the two are confused.
In social situations:
When faced with sarcasm, one will often try to backtrack and catch the user of sarcasm off guard with some ‘witty’ comment. Usually it doesn’t work and one ends up just being more sarcastic than the original commenter. For example, let’s say that Bob and Clark are in a conversation. It goes something like this...
Bob: Hey! What’s up, Clark?
Clark: Nothing much, Bob.
And then, out of nowhere, George comes in!
George: (mockingly) Nothing much, Bob. Who are you people?!
Yeah, that’s right. George just came in and got all sarcastic on Bob and Clark. What are they going to do?
Bob: Are you just going to stand there and let him say that to you, Clark?
Clark: No! (turns to George) Your mom’s nothing much!
See how quickly that went from a nice conversation to a bitter ‘yo momma’ battle? I think Clark was honestly trying to be witty and steal the conversation back from George. Obviously, he went about it all wrong. He confused wit and sarcasm and just tossed some sarcasm right back at George. Maybe if he’d read this article, he could’ve been saved some embarrassment and kept just that much more of his pride. Wit is more the opportunity to show you’re smarter than your opponent that to insult him. Maybe if the conversation had gone like this...
Bob: Hey! What’s up, Clark?
Clark: Nothing much, Bob.
George: (mockingly) Nothing much, Bob. Who are you people?!
Bob: Are you just going to stand there and let him say that to you, Clark?
Clark: No! (turns to George) Maybe you’re just taking your frustration out on me because Mary Sue dumped you to go out with me.
George: (is shocked and embarrassed)
Bob: (laughs) You got told!
Mary Sue: Hey, Clark. (sees George) Ew. I didn’t know he was going to be here.
See how much better that went for Clark after he used wit properly and not sarcasm?
I hope this guide has helped. If one person comes out of this with a new opinion about wit and sarcasm, I will be happy. (Note: If you are this person, leave a review so my life’s dreams and aspirations can be fulfilled)
"The
only true wisdom is in knowing you know nothing."
-Socrates
Writing about wit is, more or less, a daunting prospect. Any writer can be witty. But, when the pressure’s on, we tend to scatter like scholarly cockroaches. Loveable scholarly cockroaches. Suave, intelligent, loveable, chiselled, scholarly cockroaches. Does any of that make up for the fact that I called you guys cockroaches? No. Okay. Changing tactic.
The point I was trying to make—back before I brought arthropods into the mix—is that it’s incredibly difficult to be witty on demand. When I saw the title for the new submission, I panicked. How do I approach wit? I can’t be clever on cue. Maybe if I make an acronym out of it…
Alas, I couldn’t formulate a coherent article about Wombats In Training. I tried, of course, but there wasn’t a big demographic for it. Not enough people write about military sci-fi for marsupials. Which is their loss, really. A pouch-mounted turret has a lot of potential.
So, left without an acronym to cling to, I tentatively started writing an article on wit. By ‘tentatively’, I mean that I typed out ‘the’, cupped my chin in my hands, propped my elbows on the desk, and stared morosely at the screen for five minutes. ‘The’ stared morosely back. There was no magic. No spontaneous generation of words. There was only what I’d written.
I think, for most people, wit is 90 inspiration and 10 timing. It appears out of nowhere, strikes without warning, and then retreats into the shadowy back-alleys of the mind. It does not come when you call it. Think of wit as a rangy, street-wise cat. Open your door a crack, leave a can of tuna inside the house, and it’ll find its way to you. Set a trap, and you’ll never see it.
After five minutes passed, I realized my baited screen was a mistake. I’m stubborn, so I didn’t correct it right away. However, half an hour later, I gave up on waiting and started writing. The result was “Insert Witticism Here”: a glorious cop-out. Wit never did make its presence felt while I was writing the piece (perhaps it was still mad at me,) but I did produce something. I had approximately tri-hexa-quadrupled the number of words on the page.
Did I mention before that wit was 90 inspiration and 10 timing? Well, I lied. I haven’t a clue what the proper alchemical formula for wit is, but I think confidence might be part of it, too. Finishing one article gave me enough confidence to start on another, and my second article was better.
Believe it or not: the more you write, the better you get. That’s proven. Producing something is always better than mulling over your ideas like some kind of spiced wine.
Okay. So wit is hard. Fine. Try it anyways. Worst case scenario: you offend all your readers, they track you down, and they jab you with pointy sticks. That’s not too bad. I’m sure there are trolls out there who’ve gotten used to it. If you do better than the trolls (which isn’t too difficult. After all, you don’t feed on passing billy-goats. Probably,) you might get a few chuckles out of your audience. That’s better. If you’re some kind of narrative genius, someone might actually laugh aloud. That’s pretty good. The first step on that long road, though, is actually writing something.
About a month ago, I thought I was done with my submission for this lovely newsletter. As it turns out, a month passed and I was proven wrong. I’m writing this now because not enough people tried to be witty. Some of them were scared off. Some were probably busy. A few might’ve forgotten.
Okay. I can understand the last two, but fear is not a reason to stop writing. Here on fictionpress, everyone gets to hide behind a penname. Even if they write “The Needlessly Drawn-Out Saga of the Skullcrushing War In Bountiful Pony Land,” no one’s going to trace it back to them. Men in dark suits will not knock on their door in the middle of the night and drag them away in their Yugi-Oh pajamas. Probably.
So, what’s the moral here? I’ll say it simply: if you want to write, write. Don’t second guess yourself. Set your hands to the keyboard and start forcing words into being. Wait until you’re done, and then edit. If you still don’t like it, send it to Bread (or even me) and get a second opinion. Don’t just let it drop.
Being involved with Stop the Press is one of the cooler things I’ve done on fictionpress, and I don’t want to see this newsletter languish. Heck, I just spent half an hour writing this filler to pad the Wit issue. Please—if you’re reading this—tap out a submission for the next issue. It doesn’t have to be incredible. It just has to exist.
Ganbate,
Solemn Coyote
"Besides
the noble art of getting things done, there is the noble art of
leaving things undone. The wisdom of life consists in the elimination
of nonessentials."
-Lin Yutang
One day quite recently, I found a new review in my e-mail inbox. "Oh my God!" I thought. "A review? It must be from some rich benefactor who's discovered my brilliance via FictionPress and wants to give me a ten-billion-dollar grant for my cliche poetry and melodramatic fiction!" Oddly enough, I wasn't too far off. What it actually said was, "The Stop The Press newsletter is absolutely desperate for new material. Please write something for us, you benevolent genius! We need you!!!"
Well, okay, maybe the whole thing didn't go quite like that.
So, why did I exaggerate the story in that first paragraph? Because I'm so benevolent, I'll tell you. I wrote the paragraph like that in order to elicit a certain response: a smile, a chuckle, or perhaps, if you're very easily amused, a laugh!
Wit. That's all it was for.
The real question, I suppose, is why anyone should want to be witty. Well, for one thing, people like you when you're funny. Laughing feels good, so they naturally want to be around people who will cause them to be amused. Also, it's been statistically proven that the funnier you are, the more you get laid.
Specifically to FictionPress, though, more people probably click on the humor categories than any of the other categories on the homepage. They've had a long day at school and/or work, and their feet and/or brains hurt. They don't want to read some angsty drama or convoluted fantasy, they just want to laugh! But sadly, the humor categories don't have as many entries in them as some of the others. My point is that a new story and/or poem (okay, I'm going to stop saying and/or soon) in the humor category will have its summary seen by more people clicking on the category and stay for longer on the first page in the category, and thus be read more, and thus be reviewed more.
And there you have it: humor writers get more reviews and get laid more often. Until next time, when I'm sure this benevolent genius will provide another article, I'm multiples of six.
Relevant Fact WyrdWolfIf you’re not witty, there is always the almighty, “So’s your face!” Here’s an example from Scrubs:
J.D.: So’s your face!
Elliot: J.D., that doesn’t even make any sense.
J.D.: ‘So’s your face’ always makes sense.
Carla: J.D., that’s stupid—
J.D.: So’s your face! Man, I’m on fire!Checklist to Wittiness Mobman
Well… first off, let’s clarify something. Wit, as it will be defined here, is funny, original, or brilliant. So, if something is funny… it’s brilliant… or… screw it. I’m not going to rant, that’s not my job. The following is a list of “witty”… brilliant… original… whatever you want to call it, stuff.
If this makes sense, I don’t know.
1) If you own the complete set of Star Trek DVDs, including running commentary and behind the scenes exclusives you’re definitely original. You also might be a little weird. Beyond weird, fat sweaty guy at your office that snaps one day and goes postal weird.
2) If you are one of those creepy old ladies with about 60 different cats, who all have their own names, your witty by a different standard. Witty in the sense of smart, for with 60 cats, who is going to miss one? When the grandkids come by looking for Fluffy, and Fluffy just so happened to die in a freak toaster accident, just substitute her for Spots… no one will ever know the difference.
3) If you carve the names of your enemies into your arm late at night in an alcohol induced rage… well… you’re neither funny or smart. This is not a secret message to my neighbor to remove the seven bodies out from his basement, by any means. If my neighbor did kill those people and this was a message (Which it isn’t), that would be witty. Not that my poor Burnt friend did anything wrong… of course not.
4) If you watch censored cable TV late at night, but stand at an impossible angle to try to see the censored breasts, you’re brilliant. Or just special… we’ll figure that one out later. But, yes… it is impossible to watch plastic surgery shows uncensored by positioning your chair at a different angle. You’re witty for trying, funny… definitely interesting…
And last but not least…
5) If you’ve read this entire article, and ACTUALLY got something from it, you are brilliant. You looked really deep, apparently. Either that or you are the perverted old lady living next to me watching Star Trek at every possible angle, wanting to see through the spandex jumpsuit things.
"Simplicity
of character is no hindrance to subtlety of intellect."
-John
Morley
Writing an idiot is easy. The cardinal rule of writing is ‘write what you know’, and everyone has experience with idiots. In fact, having access to the internet pretty much guarantees exposure to idiots. So does working in retail.
For most writers, the problem is writing geniuses. Frankly, it’s hard to imagine a character that knows more than you do. The writer is the ultimate authority in his story. He’s the lord of his papery domain. How is he supposed to create a character that’s more omniscient than him?
A lot of writers circumvent this question. Some make their genius characters as intelligent as they are, sprinkling little author clones into the plot. Others make intelligence a mystical, intangible force; a kind of magic that belongs to quantum physicists. In many a movie and televised series, you’ll see hackers who can break through any encryption by clicking their fingers determinedly against the keyboard. You’ll also see scientists who can solve any problem by channeling raw science at it. These characters, when overt, signal to the audience that they’re watching a movie. This is a bad thing.
How do you write a real genius, then? Well, if you’re writing fantasy or sci-fi, you can simply invent disciplines of knowledge for your genius to master. Dimensional-sculpting, plasma dynamics, or necromancy, or marshmallowmancy. Whatever. If you’re not writing a sci-fi or fantasy, you have to get a little bit more imaginative. Try giving your genius a few flaws. This will make him more human, easier to relate with, and easier to write. The fact that he knows more than you becomes less of an obstacle when he has weaknesses you don’t. Also, don’t be afraid of research. If your character is an expert in something, brush up on it. One of the easiest ways to deal with a character who knows things that you don’t is to go out and learn those things. It might be labor intensive, but it’ll give your story a solid foundation in reality. Ultimately, that’s what separates your genius from the Hollywood hacker.
"It
is the mark of an educated mind to be able to entertain a thought
without accepting it."
-Aristotle
Wit is, basically, clever and snappy humor.
Will you find it in my little spiel here? Doubtful, because most wit springs from quick responses by the most sagacious. Since I’m just typing this and consequently resisting the urge to talk to myself, wit may not make its glorious, flaunting, and oddly homoerotic appearance.
Pity.
Personally, I love wit. I can be witty at crunch time, when it matters. When it’s not crunch time—most of the time—my quick responses have heavy sexual innuendo. Hell yeah. For instance:
Friend: My locker’s jammed.
Me: Much like your mother.
Friend: You’re retarded.
Me: So’s your face!
cough Some are better than others…
I think I’ll just leave wit to Broadway actors and the French. God knows it’s all they’ve got going for them…
FenFen Random Facts Sakka FenikkusuCat urine glows under a black-light
The human heart makes enough pressure to squirt blood 30 ft
McDonald's calls frequent buyers of their food 'heavy users'.
Here I am, sitting at my computer, trying to think of a witty topic to write about. This issue of Stop the Press is about wit, right? Then why, for the life of me, can’t I write anything witty?
When I joined this project, I had an idea in mind of what to write. It was going to be a rant about my high school creative writing class and how very few people there were actually, well, creative. I went on to summarize and then bash one particularly horrible story that a classmate wrote, which went on to win a prize for the best story in the school literary magazine, (and making my classmate 20 bucks richer). I then concluded that one does not need to be witty in order to be successful.
I scrapped the piece because what I was doing was flaming this poor boy’s work. Sure he wrote his short story horribly on purpose, but I still felt sorry for bashing him behind his back. If I had let my essay be posted, people would probably get a bad first impression of me. And the thing about first impressions is that you can’t make them again. So, I apologize for the stupid things I had written.
Which brings me back to finding a new topic that is full of wit. I’d like to say I’m a witty person who writes deep and profound things. But this piece isn’t the least bit deep and profound. It’s more like a confession that I can’t write anything witty at the moment. Perhaps the topic of the next issue will bring me some inspiration. I’m certain that whatever I write then will have more wit than this.
"Wit
is educated insolence."
-Aristotle, attributed, no source
found
At last, the glorious Fenfen steps in to revive an almost dead category of submission... not in the form of a movie review but that of a more highly revered form of media. That's right, everyone. Today's topic is a little book called Twilight, by Stephenie Meyer.
I started reading this book shortly after very high reccomendations from someone I know closely. Gifted with an amazing piece of plastic with the worth of twenty dollars, I bought it at the bookstore. I did enjoy it, but it didn't meet expectations.
The first thing I'd like to say about it is that the main character has a bit too many boys after her. She's constantly going on about how plain she is, and yet everyone's crush asks her to the dance by the first hundred pages of the book.
Point two. The amazing vampire she falls in love with is also too perfect. He's got his flaws (well, not really, but let's just pretend for a moment) but for the first three hundred pages, all our lovesick Bella can go on about is his muscular body, his intense eyes and his unique hair. Which, to say the least, is annoying.
And let's get on to those imaginary flaws. The only one I could really think up was that he's such a hypocrite. Every second, his mood is changing. First he loves her, then he's too dangerous for her because he's a vampire, then he masters resisting her scent in fifteen minutes, then he's still too dangerous for her (while he kisses her).
But he's not the only one who has a couple problems. Whenever he kisses Bella, she tends to either hyperventilate, faint, or attack him.
This kind of cycle goes on until about page 350. Then things start to get interesting. We get to meet Edward's (yeah, that's his name) family, discover all the little important tidbits about vampirism, and finally get a conflict that isn't teenage emotional problems. The climax makes the book very difficult to put down.
Also, on the bright side, Stephenie Meyer has a very frank, simple-yet-descriptive style that keeps you reading - if she weren't so eloquent I'd've given up on the book very quickly. I'm glad I didn't.
The characters are rich and deep despite the plot (at least a couple of them), and if someone you know reccomends it to you, you can always tease them about being a hopeless romantic. That's advantage enough for me.
My opinion? Don't set aside long amounts of time to read it if you really don't want to, but it's worth it in the end, at least in my opinion. I know that I bought book two.
"There
is nobody so irritating as somebody with less intelligence and more
sense than we have."
-Don Herold
“Trying something different, eh?”
“I thought I might as well. Essays get a little boring after a while. So, this is an article in dialogue form.”
“When you put it that way, it sounds kinda boring. Don’t lecture. Let it…er, me speak for myself. And don’t try to bicker with me. It’ll just sound cheesy.”
“Okay. Have it your way.”
“So, this issue’s about wit. Not an easy topic. I keep trying to be witty instead of actually talking about it.”
“And you’re failing. Miserably.”
“What did I say about bickering?”
“Bicker. Bicker.”
“I refuse to be drawn into this.”
“Okay, then. Ask me something interesting. I’m one half of this conversation. You might as well involve me.”
“Hmm. What would you say is the key to writing wittily?”
“Honesty.”
“But a lot of wit’s about deception. Hoodwinking gullible characters.”
“Of course. I don’t mean honesty with other people. I mean honesty with yourself. You can give a character the greatest one-liner in the world, but if it doesn’t fit with his personality, it’s going to flop.”
“What if your character doesn’t want to be witty?”
“Under the right circumstances, a character will do just about anything. Maybe he becomes witty when he tries to win over a girl. Maybe he loosens up when he’s sitting by a campfire with his friends. Maybe he’s stoic by nature. If that’s the case, don’t try to force wit out of him. It’s a painful process. Instead, pair him up with a witty character. He’ll act as a stern, glaring counterpoint to the other guy.”
“That sounded suspiciously like an info-dump.”
“Hey, it’s hard to slip things like that into casual conversation. Cut me a little slack.”
“I guess we are supposed to pass on some information to the reader...”
“Which I think we just did.”
“Well, then. That means our job here is done.”
"Our
happiness depends on wisdom all the way."
-Sophocles
Next month: Monsters
(Chosen by Solemn)
Submissions due: 25th March
Hope you guys can make it! Also, starting next month, downlaod versions will be back on now that Bread has got a decent computer again.
Question: How many people download the downloadable copy of STP? For those who do, is the layout ok? Would you be interested in submitting pictures with submissions, or know of visually talented people?
