Meet the Meat

Characters

Mrs Young- vegequarian, leather shoe-wearing, animal loving mother who passes her thoughts onto her impressionable daughter. She has recently had a large clash with her husband over the consumption of meat.

Mr Young- meat-loving, Sam Kekovich-like father, loves playing sports and settling down to a nice lamb cutlet, etc. Has recently clashed with his wife over her new eating habits.

Alicia Young- animal-loving, PETA supportive teenage girl. Was raised chiefly by her mother. Nurtures a crush on Barnabas Willoughby.

Alfred Young- very quiet, will eat whatever is on the plate in front of him. Thinks his parent’s friction over animals is ridiculous.

Barnabas Willoughby- firm believer that God gave animals to man so that they could be consumed. Alfred’s friend, Alicia has a crush on him.

(Enter the Young’s dining room. It is flash, and the table is a snazzy transparent, non-geometrically shaped design. Barnabas is having a discussion with Mr Young, with Alfred interrupting every now and then. Alicia is staring dreamily at Barnabas, twirling her hair in an attempt to catch his eyes. Mrs Young is smiling indulgently at Alicia.)

Mr Young: (Very heartily) You’re a good chap, Barnabas- how did a fellow like Alfred become your friend?

Alfred Young: (Laughs quietly) It takes one to know one.

Barnabas: (Looks at Alfred and snorts) No idea, Mr Young.

Alicia Young: (Rather breathlessly) I’m very glad you two are friends!

(Barnabas is momentarily uncomfortable by this display. Mrs Young beams at Alicia and looks benevolently upon Barnabas. Barnabas is even more disturbed by this)

Mr Young: Good Lord, is that the time? Time for dinner!

(Mrs Young rises, smiles like a proper hostess, and leaves for the kitchen. She returns with the dishes, lays them out, and then stares in horror)

Mrs Young: (Very stiffly) Harold, darling?

Mr Young: (Genially, half ignoring her) Yes, m’dear? Good old meat, best cooked lamb cutlets you’ll find!

Barnabas: (Eagerly) Lamb cutlets? I love lamb cutlets!

Alicia Young: (Shocked) But Barnabas, the poor lambs- Mother always says-

Mrs Young: (Coldly) You know how I feel about eating flesh, Harold.

Mr Young: (Ignoring his wife) D’you know the recipe, Barnabas? No? Well, these are medium rare, so it’s my habit to let the oil in the pan fry, just the oil- and then drop the cutlet in! Don’t marinate it, nothing at all- what’s that, Bertha?

Mrs Young: Lamb! Harold, I refuse to eat dinner! Think of the poor animals! The pain they go through so that we can eat! Flesh! (She gesticulates wildly, her painted nails flashing in the light)

Mr Young: My forefathers didn’t fight for several thousand years for us to be sitting here eating tofu. Bertha, I wish you’d stop being ridiculous.

Barnabas: Really, Mrs Young, meat is no problem- in Genesis the Lord put men and women in charge of the animals, and gave us responsibility for them. They are there so that we can eat them.

Alicia Young: (Flushing slightly, staring at Barnabas) Oh, Mother… just this once…?

Mrs Young: (Through clenched teeth) Don’t even think of it, Alicia.

Alicia Young: (Almost instantly subdued) As you say, Mother.

Mrs Young: Remember, Alicia, as I always tell you, the unnecessary slaughter of animals is as bad as if you were to kill your brother and eat his heart.

Alicia Young: (Almost tiredly) Yes, Mother. She draws out a piece of paper and begins scrawling on her lap

Alfred Young: Hey, sis, what are you drawing?

Alicia Young: panics Nothing, it’s noth-

(Alfred rips the paper from her lap)

Alfred Young: (Clearing his throatAlicia Willough… (He coughs and fades off. Barnabas leans over to read the paper his friend holds, and turns rather pale. Alicia has scrawled ‘Alicia Willoughby’ over the page)

Mrs Young: (Fretfully) Darling, look how the meat is upsetting the children!

Mr Young: It’s upsetting me that it’s getting cold because of you and your silly habits! Since when have you been so outspoken? Usually you’re fine with me eating meat, but now that we have a guest, you feel the need to show your vegetarianism-

Mrs Young: (Angrily) Vegequarianism! I will eat seafood, just not these poor lambs!

Mr Young: Oh, and fish don’t have feelings, too? And if you care so much about lambs, why are you wearing leather shoes?

Mrs Young: I can’t believe you dare to question me like this!

Barnabas Willoughby: (Aside, to Alfred) Er… d’you want me to go now? Or...?

Alfred Young: (To Barnabas) God, don't go... I’m so sorry you had to see this. (To his parents) Mum, it’s just a bit of meat! Can we please put this off till later?

Mrs Young: (Ignoring her son) It’s an animal!

Mr Young: You wear leather shoes, woman!

Mrs Young: (Putting her hands to her forehead) We helped slaughter a lamb! Oh, how it must have hurt!

Mr Young: So would your feet, if you stopped wearing leather shoes. What would you wear, plastic?

Alicia Young: (Timidly) I’m hungry, Mummy.

Alfred Young: (Pulling out a mobile phone) How about I order a pizza?

(Mrs Young and Mr Young are still glaring at each other)

Mr Young: Sure, son. A meat lovers and a chicken teriyaki.

Mrs Young: (Quavering) Why do you insist on being so cruel to me? Once upon a time we could still get along, even when you consumed animal carcasses, but now- oh! (She bursts into tears)

(There is a shocked silence. Mr Young looks furious, then suddenly stricken. Barnabas squirms uncomfortably. Alfred looks humiliated and Alicia looks fascinated)

Mr Young: (Breaking the silence) Oh, Bertha, you care! (He crosses the table and embraces her)

Mrs Young: (Crying) Of course I care, you big doo doo head!

Mr Young: Bertha darling, I can’t believe that we almost let a matter like meat split us up!

Mrs Young: (Sniffling) I still think it’s awfully cruel to kill an animal.

Mr Young: Well, I can’t give meat up, but I promise I won’t antagonise you from now on. Deal? (He lifts her chin)

Barnabas Willoughby: (To Alfred) Uh… should I… go?

Alfred Young: (Clearly embarrassed) I’m so sorry you had to see this.

Barnabas Willoughby: No, it’s ok. (He looks intensely uncomfortable)

Alicia Young: … Mother, can we start dinner now?

Alfred Young: Like a normal family?

Mr and Mrs Young: (Suddenly remembering that there is a guest) Oh! Of course! (They scuttle to their respective seats)

Mr Young: (Picking up his knife and fork) So, Alfred, have you ordered a vegetarian pizza yet?

Alfred Young: Just a moment, Dad.

(They continue talking as the light dims out on the scene)

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A/N: I do hope I haven't breached any guidelines- this isn't a chat script, so is it allowed? I won't be heartbroken if I'm forced to remove it, but I do hope that I don't have to. I had an absolute ball writing this... I hope you liked reading it!