Deeper Water

Jim Lennox thought of himself as a pretty ordinary guy. He was in his mid-thirties, working to pay off the debt on the house, with a wife and a daughter he loved. At least, he’d always been glad that they didn’t argue much. That was something. And it wasn’t as though they ever really went without. He was careful about that. He was always careful about taking care of them. That was what he had to do.

The two of them were sitting in the kitchen. He lit a cigarette, smoked the first few layers of ash from it, then stubbed it out against the table. Up until now, Kathy hadn’t felt the need to tell him very much. They’d never seemed to need to – as far as he knew, they understood each other perfectly fine without it. But somewhere along the way, she’d decided without him that this was different.

He didn’t look at her face. Instead, he stared at the burn he’d just made on the table. He stared at her hands. They were still damp – probably Ellie’s fault. Kathy had just finished putting her to bed. He didn’t understand what a four-year-old girl could have done to need that much time in the bath. If she’d been a boy, he would have understood just fine…but he was pretty sure girls didn’t do that kind of thing.

“What?” Kathy had been saying something to him, and he hadn’t heard any of it. “I didn’t hear that.”

“Pay attention, Jim.” She took the hands away, made him look at her. “I said I went to the doctor again today. To get something checked out. A lump.”

She hadn’t mentioned any of that before. She’d never mentioned a lump. Hell, until five seconds ago, she hadn’t even mentioned she was going into town. He reached for another cigarette, then decided against it. “And?”

“And what?”

“What happened?” He picked at the edge of the table. She was playing games with him. She had to be. He didn’t like games. “You wanted to tell me, so tell me.”

She toyed with her wedding ring, pulling it off and sliding it back on again. He didn’t think he’d ever seen her without it. “I’m sick, Jim. The doctor says he’ll do what he can, but…I’ll need your help.”

He stood up. He walked to the kitchen window, staring at the waves. He’d never really known how deep it was around here. It had just always been there. There had always been the water, and for once he wished there was something else to look at. “Christ…”

He desperately wanted another smoke.

---

Six months. Six months of Kathy going into town, into the hospital every two weeks and when she came back she looked sicker than when she left. At least when she was home, she wasn’t busy spitting up like a kid with a stomach bug. At least when she was home, he knew that they weren’t going to touch. She said it hurt her now, and every time she came home he had to remind himself silently that one treatment probably wasn’t going to change her mind. It hadn’t worked before.

He worked. Those drugs had to be paid for somehow. He dropped Ellie at the neighbours’ in the morning, went to work with nets and lines and cans of bait, picked her up again in the afternoon. Kathy didn’t eat much now, so he cooked. He sat there watching Ellie pick at the burnt bits. He let her leave the vegetables on the side of her plate. He didn’t know how to make her finish them, and Kathy always seemed too tired to try. He didn’t even ask her now. He didn’t want to make anything worse.

She was mad enough as it was. They didn’t do much apart from arguing now. Crazy arguments too, shouting and fighting that he couldn’t follow. He could never work out whose fault they were. Ellie heard them and at night, when he put her to bed – he had to do that now, as well – he tried to make it sound as though things were okay.

He still went out drinking once or twice. Not as much as he had, but occasionally he would buy a beer. He never drank it. He sat on the stool and made lines in the beer puddle instead. Sooner or later, he paid up and went home without touching a drop. He didn’t tell his friends about it. They never asked him.

He slept with the curtains drawn these days. All around them, there was almost nothing but sand and knotted grass and that water. He was crushed under the weight of that water, and looking at it every day had become almost too much to stand.

The more he looked at it, the deeper it seemed to get. He was doing everything he could, and nothing in this goddamned situation ever got any better.

---

Something had gone wrong. They’d said it would make her stronger, give her a better chance. Something in her body hadn’t liked what they were trying, and by the time he’d managed to get out of work and pick up Ellie from the neighbours…they’d said to bring her ‘just in case’, whatever that meant. He didn’t want to think about what that meant. He didn’t want to and he wasn’t going to. Anyway, by the time he’d got there, Kathy wouldn’t have known who he was even if she were awake to see him.

Wandering around those empty corridors, desperate for a cigarette. He wasn’t allowed to smoke in a hospital. Bringing Ellie in, and the kid – that damn kid! – wouldn’t be quiet. Kept asking why Kathy wouldn’t wake up.

“Why won’t she wake up?”

“Be quiet.” Reaching for a cigarette from his pocket. Remembering again at the last second.

“Why?”

“Quiet.” No smoking in hospitals.

“Why?”

“Ellie. Stop it.” A smoke would have made it easier.

He could have slapped her. He would have slapped her if one of the nurses hadn’t been watching.

He took her outside, and they went home.

---

He sat down on his bed. He took off his jacket. He took off his tie. He stared at nothing. He stood up again and opened one of the drawers. He closed it again. Opened it again. Found what he wanted. Closed the drawer for the last time.

He went out into the hallway.

“Ellie!” he called. “Ellie, hurry up and get changed. We’re going out.”

“Where?” She was still in her dress for the funeral, he noticed. This should have hurt more than it did. She probably didn’t understand.

“The beach. Come on.” He stopped. That wasn’t right. That wasn’t how it was done. “Can you do it yourself?”

Please make it something she could do without his help. Please.

When she came back, the first thing Ellie did was grab hold of his hand. It took him a while to remember to return the grip. It didn’t feel right. Jim tried as hard as he could not to show her that.

“Right,” he said.

He stared at the water. It was blue, same as it had always been. Deeper than he remembered though, or maybe it only seemed that way. Too deep for him, anyway. He’d drown. Anyone would drown out here.

He glanced down at Ellie, still hanging off his hand like glue. If he did…what happened to her? He’d never thought about it. Now didn’t seem like a good time to start.

“You scared?” he asked her. You couldn’t ask a boy that. They always said no. He’d always said no when he was young. But girls might be different.

She shook her head. “Nope.”

“Sure?” He had to be sure. He had to know.

She nodded. “Yep.”

He picked her up, balanced her in his arms as gently as he could. Girls were easy to break, and she was smaller than he’d thought.

He watched the water, watched the waves crashing down. They could crush something, easily. How deep was it? How much water would crush down over his head if he tried?

Time to find out.

He stopped walking when the water was up to his waist. He didn’t speak. Ellie’s arms were around his neck and the waves were sucking at his feet and Jim couldn’t think of anything to say. He looked out, towards the deeper water where everything looked calm. He looked at the waves behind him. He looked at Ellie, who smiled at him with gaps in her teeth.

He braced himself against the water.