Fuck this. Fuck this to hell.

I did not agree to come to this party to get fucked over by some stupid emotion. But here I was, staring into my best friend’s eyes and wondering what the hell it would feel like to be held by him.

I didn’t know why I was starting to feel this way only now, and not twelve years back when we met at the park lake chasing the same fucking butterfly. Maybe it was because I was standing under a mistletoe my other best friend had jokingly placed above our heads.

Or maybe it was because everywhere I looked there were couples sucking faces.

Or maybe, just maybe, it was because Matt was wearing clothes too tight, and looked too damn gorgeous.

I glared at Rylie, who was grinning like a maniac, hand still holding the green plant above mine and Matt’s head.

“Rylie. Put the plant down.”

“Aw, but Matt…! It’s Christmas! Everyone has to be under the mistletoe at least once!”

“We’re not everyone. Now put the fucking plant down.”

Shit, this was not good. I was feeling disappointed Matt was so against kissing me.

But the blonde simply shook her head and firmly said, “Kiss. And I’ll leave you alone.”

“Fuck, Rye! I have a girlfriend, for god’s sake!” Ah, yes, the perfect time to bring in Matt’s hot, nice swimmer girlfriend into the equation.

I raised a hand to massage my temple, then kissed my hand before pressing it to Matt’s cheek.

“There. All kissed.” And I turned and walked out the sliding door to the backyard, ignoring Rylie’s yells of ‘No! The lips, it was supposed to be the lips!’ and Matt’s snorts of laughter.

I sat at the corner of the green piece of land, under a tree, staring up at the huge house and wondering who the owner was. Figures a high school party would have strangers partying around your house on a Friday night when your parents were away.

My gaze dropped down to find Matt and Melanie, his girlfriend, just standing by the door and kissing, and I felt my heart clench. Oh shit, not good.

I decided to get up and leave the party, my stomach burning partly from hunger, and partly from the scene I just saw that just wouldn’t leave me alone.

---

I woke up the next morning cheek-down, blanket tangled around my legs, and with a dream about My Chemical Romance fading in my mind. It took me a while to realize it was my cell phone that had forced that dream onto me with my ring tone. I slapped my hand over the device, putting it to my ear.

“…hello?”

I grunted.

“Hav, wake up, it’s late.” I could recognize Matt’s voice anywhere, and suddenly remembering what I felt yesterday, I sat up, slightly more awake.

“What time is it?”

“Ten.”

“Shit, Matt, you know ten does even come close to dawn for me. On a Saturday no less,” I groggily grumbled, trying not to let my memories get to me.

Matt laughed over the phone. “I know, that’s why I call you. So anyway, come over, I have something I want to discuss with you. Then we can get some lunch at the mall. The folks are out.”

I groaned, standing and walking out of my bedroom and into the bathroom across the hall. “Can’t it be discussed over the phone?”

“Nope. Just come on, I’m expecting you in half and hour. And dress nice.” And the line went dead. I rolled my eyes, dropping my phone onto the sink before brushing my teeth.

In fifteen minutes I was done cleaning up. Following Matt’s instructions, I wore a plain grey shirt with jeans and a black jacket. I knocked on my sister’s bedroom door. “I’m going out, Rav. Deal with lunch yourself, yeah?”

No answer came, and I didn’t bother; she was probably still sleeping. Grabbing my keys out of the bowl on the counter next to the door, I strolled out of the house and set off for Matt’s in my Jeep.

By the time I was outside Matt’s two-storey home, it was nearing 10:25, so I took my time getting out and walking up the long winding footpath. On the dot, the door swung open and there stood Matt, in a tight white shirt and boxers.

“Asshole,” he laughed. “Expecting you in half and hour doesn’t mean you couldn’t be earlier!”

I tore my eyes away to my sneakers when I realized I was staring at him, and forced a smile. “Yeah, sorry.”

“What’s up? You would usually shoot back with something,” Matt asked, closing the door after me.

“Nothing. Just feeling a little tired after yesterday.” And I cursed when I remembered yesterday.

“Aw, come on, buck up, we’re going for date in less than two hours’ time!”

I froze.

“What?”

“That’s what I wanted to discuss with you. Mel has a cousin who just broke up with her boyfriend, and needs someone. So I volunteered you,” Matt shrugged, already on the way up the stairs.

“What the hell? Did it never cross your mind to ask me first?”

Matt stopped three steps away from the top of the stairs. “Hey man, no need to get so hostile. This girl’s hot, you should thank me for this.”

“If she’s so hot, then maybe you should just have her as a second girlfriend,” I spat, turning and walking out the door.

I didn’t know why I was feeling so pissed. Going on a blind date was no big deal. I actually needed a girlfriend now, what with all this weird feelings I was getting around Matt.

But maybe that was it. It was Matt who had gotten a blind date for me, when it was Matt that I…

I stopped at the gate.

Fuck.

Fuck, fuck, fuck.

I heard Matt call for me from his doorway.

It was Matt.

It was Matt that I wanted.

I spun on my heel and marched back up to my best friend – my fucking best friend – careful to avoid looking into his eyes and at his body. So as I stood in front of him, I stared at the grandfather clock behind him near the stairs.

I swallowed before asking, “What time are we meeting?”