“Erma, you can’t say things like that to strangers!”

I looked across the table at my dear cousin, Suzette, with wide muddy green eyes, “What’d I say?”

“He was just trying to be friendly and you insult him?” she hissed, watching our waiter slink toward the kitchen, “I can’t take you anywhere!”

“Su-Su, I wasn’t thinking.”

And then she sighed and took a long draft of her Dr. Pepper. I drained my glass and started scanning the room to the fat man I apparently offended, “I just don’t like it when people come up behind me.”

With her insanely long fingers, Suzette played with the straight brown hair hanging over her ears, “How’s he supposed to know that? You didn’t have to call him out on his weight.”

It was my turn to mess with my hair, only my fingers weren’t as elegant and my hair was ten times lighter, “I was making conversation; I didn’t mean it to come across as an insult!”

“When a person says they don’t really like dessert you don’t say: ‘That’s weird’, you say…I dunno: ‘You’re missing out!’ “

I was given a reprieve by the same man I supposedly insulted. Two huge plates with clean forks were placed on the table and waiter boy smiled, “Okay ladies, a peanut butter pie and a tres leche cheesecake. Enjoy.”

For five minutes we ate quietly. Suzette wasn’t mad; she just concentrated on her food. It’s weird, yeah, but I haven’t had to perform the Heimlich maneuver on her yet. My cheesecake was good but it’s hard to screw up cheesecake. All in all, I’ve had better. That didn’t stop me from shoveling the sweet in my mouth and half-closing my windpipe with sugar. When I started coughing, Suzette looked up and laughed.

Her laughter wasn’t loud or anything it was the actions accompanying her laughter that drew attention to our table. She rocked back in her chair, threw her head back and stomped her foot on my pinky toe.

“FUCK!”

If we didn’t have the entire restaurant staring at us before, we had their undivided attention then. Be sure I cared, I was crying a little and Suzette asked if I was okay.

“I’ve been better.”

We finished our dessert, paid the tab and left a considerable tip in our wake. As we walked to her Element, Suzette looked at me with a fiendish grin, “Did you see that lady with the bleach job?”

My cousin wasn’t moody for a teenager, she was downright bipolar! Really, I was ready to pee my pants in fear. Who would have thought a tall, heavy thing like me could be so afraid of a fluffy shrimp digging in her purse for keys?

“Yeah...”

“If looks could kill—“

“I’d be a thing of the past.” I grimaced at the memory, “Do you think I yelled loud enough?”

“The dead in Russia heard.”

“Fuck.”

“Didn’t you learn your lesson?”

I chose not to dignify that with an answer and climbed in the SUV.

“And out of the corner of my eye I saw a mop. It started barking and I dropped the F-bomb at the top of my lungs…”

Who was it that said humiliation was comedy? They were right. All I did was recount a little story of my childhood involving a car, a parking garage, a schnauzer and a startled Erma and I was killing. Speech class was a waste of time, but the new boys in class weren’t.

Two sets of dark curly hair, tan skin and gorgeous blue eyes followed my animated figure in the front of the class. Who was cuter, Erik or Chris? Twins are wonderful. A beautiful set is all a girl needs to restore her faith in humanity, or at least, good looks.

“…People rush over to us and one woman asks, ‘Did my baby scare you?’ “

Pause for laughter.

“I shake my head and get in an elevator with the same group of people that heard me yell.”

My classmates clap, I bow and Mr. T scribbles something in her grade book before calling another person to present their most embarrassing incident. As I walk to my seat, I see a familiar lime green Element in the classroom window.

Without thinking, I point and announce that my cousin’s outside. Like dogs to a can opener my classmates crowded around the window to get a glimpse of the comedian’s cousin. I watched Suzette look up from the dash of her car and blink when she saw my entire class ogling at her. When I waved at her she gave me this look which clearly said I was going to get it later.

Smiling wide, I spoke my classmates, “And that’s the same cousin I went to a nail salon with and while she was getting her nails done a little old lady asked me if she was my daughter.”

Of course, everybody rolled in the aisle and I went back to my wretched cold seat under the vent only to hear someone call my name. I turned and Chris was staring at me intently with sharp blue eyes that took my breath away..

“Yeah?”

“Wanna play hangman?”

Really? He wants to play with me?

“I…”