“Take us to the very beginning,” says Officer Octogenarian.

He turns away from the two way mirror in the interrogation room and looks at Mortimer suspiciously.

“The beginning of what?” says Mortimer.

Mortimer sits uneasily at the grey table in the very grey questioning type room. Mrs. Lachlan's Mum faces him, eyeing him like a hawk. It makes him even more uncomfortable.

“The very beginning of how you misconstrued pregnant old lady men as vampires you tool,” says Mrs. Lachlan's Mum.

“You mean when I was in the car, abandoned by Pieta, fearing for my life?” says Mortimer. “They were coming to suck the flesh right out of me!”

“Don’t you mean blood?” says Officer Octogenarian, pacing the interrogation room continually. “Vampires drink blood!”

“Well, maybe they were werewolves. They eat flesh,” says Mrs. Lachlan's Mum.

“That’s it! They were werewolf-vampires!” Mortimer exclaims.

“I think we established the fact earlier, that they were not werewolf-vampires as you claim, but innocent frail pregnant old lady men,” says Officer Octogenarian. “My grandfather was a pregnant old lady man. He was the most beautiful pregnant old lady man in the entire world.”

“What does this have to do with 60 counts of pregnant old lady man murder?” says Mortimer.

“My grandfather was one of the victims. That’s what it has to do with it!” says Officer Octogenarian.

“Yes and a very good friend of mine Palmsie was a victim too,” says Mrs. Lachlan's Mum. “Now where stuck taking care of his adopted son, a big brown dog named Frederick. Now my daughter Lauren is continuingly jumping up and down because he forgot to finish his game of Monopoly.”

“I’m sorry. I never killed any pregnant old lady men,” says Mortimer. “I’m telling the truth. They were vampires I tell you.”

“Werewolf-vampires? Isn’t that what you said?” says Officer Octogenarian. “I have an explanation for this hallucination. This!”

He slams a small purple bottle of Chramymelonia anti-psychotic cough medicine on the grey table.

“That’s not mine!” says Mortimer.

“A bit defensive are weeeeeeeeee!” says Mrs. Lachlan's Mum. She clutches her chest and collapses face first on the table.

“Won’t be a moment,” says Officer Octogenarian calmly, as if expecting this to happen. Suddenly a new personality comes to life.

“Deneppah sah tahw?” says Inspector Such And Such. (Translation: What has happened?)

“Huh?” says Mortimer.

“Oh Cathy we caught the guy responsible for the P.O.L.M. murders,” says Officer Octogenarian.

“Yllear?” says Inspector Such And Such. (Translation: Really?)

“Oh sorry Mortimer,” says Officer Octogenarian. “Inspector Such And Such is Canadian. She speaks bullshit, but not to worry I’ll translate.”

“Does she speak French?” Mortimer asks.

“She isn’t from that part of Canada,” says Officer Octogenarian.

“Qui?” says Inspector Such And Such.

“Well, that just disputes everything I just said,” says Officer Octogenarian.

“No it didn’t,” says Mortimer. “You just said she wasn’t from that part of Canada. You never saidshe can’t speak French.”

“Silence Mr. Technical!” says Officer Octogenarian.

“Hcnerf emos nreal ot erac?” says Inspector Such And Such. (Translation: Care to learn some French?)

“Huh?” says Mortimer.

“Did you want to learn some French?” says Officer Octogenarian.

“Why not?” says Mortimer.

“Je suis un chef de doo de doo!” says Inspector Such And Such.

“Je?” says Mortimer.

“Je suis,” Inspector Such And Such continues.

“Je suis,” Mortimer repeats.

“Je suis un chef,” says Inspector Such And Such.

“Je suis un chef,” Mortimer repeats.

“De doo de doo,” Inspector Such And Such finishes.

“De doo de doo,” says Mortimer. “Je suis un chef de doo de doo!”

“You just said you were chief of doo doo,” says Officer Octogenarian. “Or I am a doo doo head. Sorry Cathy plays this trick all the time.”

Inspector Such and Such giggles. She puts her hand on her mouth to conceal her smile.

“You speak French?” says Mortimer, this time referring to Officer Octogenarian.

“Yes of course,” says Officer Octogenarian. “So is it true do you think of yourself to be a doo doo head?”

“No the inspector tricked me!” says Mortimer.

“Oh so you admit she tricked you?” says Officer Octogenarian.

“Yes you said so yourself,” says Mortimer.

“Interesting,” says Officer Octogenarian. He strokes his beautiful chin.

Inspector Such And Such’s giggles subside. She freezes again.

“Damn it!” says Officer Octogenarian. “You’re split personality is becoming a bit of a problem isn’t it?”

“What was that Steven?” says Mrs. Lachlan's Mum.

“I want Cathy back,” Officer Octogenarian demands.

“CATHY DOESN’T LIVE HERE ANYMORE!” Mrs. Lachlan's Mum bellows. “That’s Mrs. Lachlan's Mum to you!”

“I don’t see Lachlan!” says Officer Octogenarian. “So shouldn’t you be Mrs. Officer Octogenarian’s Partner?”

“Oh Steven I had no idea you thought of me that way,” says Mrs. Lachlan's Mum. She brushes her hair back and posses seductively.

“I don’t,” says Officer Octogenarian. “I don’t like you that way because…”

“Yes Steven I know, I know, you don’t like me that way because you think I’m ugly and you think you might catch the ugly disease,” says Mrs. Lachlan's Mum. “Never mind that I have very educated femininity.”

“Excuse me,” Mortimer interrupts. “Aren’t Bamboozle police officers meant to have a sound mind?”

“Oi! Who asked you?” says Officer Octogenarian. “Inspector Such And Such just has a split personality disorder.”

“Don’t you mean differentiated personality disorder,” says Mortimer.

“Is your last name McGlonagkic?” says Officer Octogenarian.

“No,” says Mortimer. “I’m Ashleigh’s cousin Mortimer Allans.”

“Oh Decklyn,” says Mrs. Lachlan's Mum. “I knew I recognised you.”

“Its Mortimer,” says Mortimer.

“Yes but for convenience sake it’s Decklyn,” says Mrs. Lachlan's Mum.

Mortimer frowns.

Princess Jo barges in the room suddenly, wearing a pink dress as always.

“Did someone say green bean casserole?” she chirps.

“No…” says Mortimer.

“It’s a special recipe given to me by a friend of mine,” says Princess Jo.

“Let me guess, canned green beans, crinkle cut potato chips and cream of mushroom soup,” says Mortimer.

“Oh so you know what is in this casserole my sister presents some what uninvited?” says Officer Octogenarian.

“Yes…” says Mortimer.