An Unforgettable Series Of Unfortunate Mishaps: How Not To Wear White

I plopped down on the park bench with a dejected sigh. Closing my eyes I leaned back and groaned at the squish, turning my head ever so slightly I noticed the wet paint sign. Glaring up at the turbulent grace guy I did what I do best; open mouth, make things worse. “What? Did you run out of creative ideas? Having to use clichés now God?” The words were halfway out when lightning cracked and thunder rumbled and the angry clouds dumped rain on what was left of my dingy dress.

A fingered one of the rips and thought back over the past two days. The night before the wedding we went to Meg’s bachelorette party. Our little sister Ashley decided to throw it at our regular hang out Wild Wing Café. Around Meagan’s fifth shot of tequila Ash brought up her opinion of Meg’s marriage yet again. “I think that you should call it off.” She grumbled. I let out a gasp “Ashley! Are you still on that kick? How can you not admit that Meg and Leo are in love? They have been forever!”

“I just don’t think that it will work. I mean they are completely opposite each other!”

“And that’s what makes them great!” I rejoined. A pale white hand tapped Ash on the shoulder “Can I get another shot?” Slurred Meg. Ash smiled and poured her another two to keep her happy and we continued arguing.

“They have fought most of they’re relationship!”

“And that’s how you know it will work! I mean they’ve been together for four years!” We continued on like this for a little while until I noticed Meg attempting to pour her eighth shot and dumping more of it on the bar and herself then her glass.

“No! All done! We’re going to go to sleep now!” Meg looked at me like I was crazy and shook her head. “Sleep? But there’s no pillows.” She proceeded to use her hand to sweep the area clear and to the tinkling sound of broken glass lay her head down in a puddle of Tequila. “No, no Meg, Pillows are in the car, let’s get you back to the big comfy feather bed.”

“A feather bed? Oh! Good. Sounds good. Let’s go.”

My Sister’s wedding day started out Perfect. I woke up in the hotel to a bright sunny morning, a lovely spring day. I jumped out of bed and ran to the closet; I smiled as I pulled it out. It was the dress, beautiful, lacy, sexy, perfection with one problem; it was white, but not just any white, moonlight on Christmas Eve snow, sliver and glistening. It was gorgeous and when I saw it and looked at the tag, it was perfect. Now I normally don’t wear white, it’s a color I reserve for underwear and sheets. Plus I know the bride is the only one supposed to wear white, but I know Meg wouldn’t mind. I carefully styled my long red hair, slid on the dress and a pair of strappy silver sandals. Then I ran down the hall to her room. As I got near the door I heard Ashley say “Call. It. Off.”

“But I don’t want to.” Meg groaned.

“Trust me, if you got drunk last night you weren’t meant to get married today.”

“But you got drunk on y our wedding night.”

“That’s different.” I felt like I should do something to save her so I knocked lightly and called “Meg? Meg sweetie? It’s Phebs.”

“Phoebe! Come in.” her voice had a slightly hysterical tinge to it and I rushed in. “Sweetie are you alright?” I asked as I stopped in my tracks to look at her. Meg lay on her bed, eyes red-rimmed and face a pale shade of green. “She’ll never be ready in time for her wedding Phebs.” Commented Ash. “Oh she will. I’ll have her ready in 20 minutes tops.” I said confidently then sighed and reached for the phone. “Room service? I need two pots of your strongest coffee, some toast not butter and a bottle of Advil! Thanks! Pretty soon they were at the door and bringing what I asked for in, I gave Ashley a cup of coffee and carrying the dry toast and Advil we started to walk back. “You can’t do this! She’ll never be ready.” “Ashley, Ashley, Ashley, I promise she will be done in 15 minutes.” Heard one of the busboys yelp and spun around, only Ashley was walking to close to me and I felt the coffee as it splashed through my dress and saw Ashley’s face turn ghostly white. “OhMyGod!” I gasped, “Are you okay Miss? We’ll get that cleaned for you Miss.” The busboy’s chorused. Soon I was in a robe and feeding Meg coffee and toast, helping her into her dress and finishing her hair. They brought my dress back and you could barely see where it had been stained.

The wedding was lovely and all I had to do was stand and hold flowers and try not to cry. At The reception I noticed a really good looking guy standing at the bar, so I walked over and ordered a glass of Gavioli I flirted and smiled and went to take a sip when I was jostled slightly spilling my wine all over the front of my dress. The guy asked the bartender if they had club soda and proceeded to spread the stain trying to get it off. I rolled my eyes and waved him away and tried to ignore the stain setting as I watched Leo go to take Meg’s garter he flung it in the air and the men ended up flinging me nearly across the room I heard a horrible ripping sound as my dress caught the edge of something and then fell into some of the chocolate wedding cake.

I muttered some choice words grabbed a coat and rushed back to the hotel’s laundry room. I tossed it into an empty washer with almost a gallon of bleach and waited when I pulled it out of the dryer it was no longer silver but more of a light grey, I saw where the rip was and finished it across so it was no longer ankle length but knee length. I forced a smile and figured that I would go dance. Now one thing Meg wasn’t was cheep, she had set up at each corner a humongous fountain with some kind of drink or desert, chocolate, red punch, sparkling water and white chocolate. I ran into that guy again and he asked me to dance. I smiled and said “Yes!” We danced for hours stopping only to throw rice and wish Meg and Leo a good honeymoon.

The thought popped into my head that we had been dancing for two hours and nothing had happened to me or my dress. I started smile but then I felt the heel on my impractical strappy sandals snap I tried to catch myself and he tried to catch me but all that we succeeded in doing was pushing me into the fountain. I hit the sparkling water with a splash and stood dripping resembling a grey wet mop. The hair that I had spent so much time getting right tumbled down my back I kicked my sandals off and bent to pick them up, to make matters worse as I stood the strap on my dress broke and my dress started to fall forward. I shirked and climbed out of the fountain holding my dress in one hand and shoes in the other and fled.

I got outside and ran blindly into the park. Have you ever run barefoot through Central Park? Let me tell you I don’t recommend it. The tress and bushes tore at my dress and my feet and legs were soon covered in mud. I saw a bench and ran to it dropping dejectedly down. At the squish I turned and saw the “Wet Paint” sign. I’m back where I started I thought as I tried to wipe my face dry from rain and tears. At least I saved Meg’s wedding. “Okay God! What was my lesson? Pride goes before a fall? Don’t wear white? Patience is a virtue? Come on give me a hint.”

The lighting cracked and thunder rumbled and rain pored harder. I looked around and noticed the beauty of the storm, the trees were greener, the air crisper, and you could smell the flowers and grass. I closed my eyes and felt the rain splash my face. I breathed deeply and realized how beautiful the day had been. I was so caught up in making everything perfect that I was completely oblivious to all the natural perfection. I smiled, “I get it, stop and smell the roses. But did you have to ruin the dress? I mean surely you could think of an unforgettable series of unfortunate mishaps with out killing the dress.” The rumbling got louder and I laughed.

“Okay you win! You were right, sorry.” I stood and giggled like a little girl and spun twirling in the rain hair streaming behind me like a liquid flame, tattered dress hanging like rags. My legs and feet were muddy and bare; I really could have cared less. As I collapsed dizzily I smiled and thought you know this really was the Perfect Day.