Very Useful Scientific Squirrel Facts Part 2

Fact #38: Squirrels Invented Hippies!

The year is 1959. Up in a tree, groups of squirrels are in hippie clothes, acting like drunkies, doing the peace sign and holding signs that said: Squirrels are people too! The same squirrel from 1969 is running with some hippie clothes when, you guessed it, he tripped and the clothes fell right onto a person’s head. He observed the clothing then thought, “Hmmm…these clothes look so stylish, almost like a…a hippie. Yes, the dawn of a new age! An age of hippies! He ran off to tell everyone his discovery…

Fact #37: Squirrels are concerned about the environment…

(Quick note, I’ve translated the squirrels’ language for ya’. And this is based on a funny show I watched the other day!))

A group of squirrels sitting around a table was talking about the environment. “Sir, we have reason to believe that humans are still dumping waste into the lakes!” One said. A crazy squirrel goes up out of his seat, “That burns my arse!” “But we can’t do anything about it sir!” Another squirrel said, “After all, we’re just…squirrels!” “Maybe I can’t”, Crazy Squirrel muttered, “But maybe Captain Planet can!” The two other squirrels stared at each other with cocked eyebrows as if they were saying, “What the heck?” A little later, that crazy squirrel was dressing himself up in the women’s washroom as Captain Planet. A young lady came in, stared blankly at him for two seconds before leaving. Two minutes later, our little psycho pal ran out of the tree screaming, “Captain Planet!” He ran out on the streets screaming, “Captain Planet!” From the humans’ point of view, they heard nothing but a squirrel screeching like an idiot. He ran past a person who was holding a pop can, deciding whether he should throw into recycling or the garbage. He shrugged and threw in the garbage. That squirrel came running back towards that person, picked up the biggest stick he could find and smashed it over his head, as a person would play Whack-A-Mole. Meanwhile, at the Factory Incorporation, two men were discussing whether they should dump more garbage into the lake.

“I say we do!” One of them said. “I really don’t think we should…” The other muttered, “I mean, what if someone decided to take action?”

“Then we bribe them with money!”

“Hey what’s that?”

“Hmmm…? It looks like a squirrel…dressed like Captain Planet.”

“I wonder what its doing?”

“I don’t know, but it looks like it’s on a zip-line heading right toward…”

The maniacal squirrel crashed through the window of building screaming, “Captain Planet!” To the men he screamed like a lunatic. “That fuzzy thing got glass in my eye!” The person shouted. The squirrel squeaked and kicked him in a place no man would like to be kicked. He then picked him up and held him out the window. Now before I continue, I would like to say that this happens to be a ten-story building. The squirrel then held out what appeared to be a contract. The man cocked his head, “Y…you want me to sign this petition saying not to dump anymore trash into the lakes, then maybe you’ll let me go?” The squirrel nodded. The person took out a pen and scribbled his name onto the paper. The squirrel observed the paper, cocking an eyebrow. He then dropped the person, completely forgetting to haul him back into the building, and thus the man plummeted to his death. Quite gruesome…

In a weird Captain Planet background, the squirrel shouted, “Save the environment or I’ll beat you! CAPTAIN PLANET!”

Fact #36: Squirrels are a bunch of moviegoers!

Groups of squirrels are at the opening of the U.S. release of Naruto: Clash in the Land of Snow. They sat down with popcorn extra large soft drinks and candy, lots and lots of candy. The curtains open and the screen says, Feature Presentation. The squirrels scream and turn off their cellphones quickly. As they watch the movie, one squirrel’s cellphone goes off, causing the other squirrels to go into a fit. They began launching popcorn and soft drinks, and out of nowhere, pianos. The squirrel was kicked out of the theatre. An hour and a half later, the squirrels come rushing out grinning and screeching to one another as if saying, what a great movie!

Fact #35: Squirrels think life is like a western movie.

It is high noon. The city of Manhattan is swarming with people. In the city park, two squirrels, one in a cowboy Bebop costume, the other dressed like an outlaw, were standing by the park bench. An elderly woman was tossing birdseeds for the pigeons, thus covering the squirrels in the bird food. Their eyes narrowed as the sun set high over the city. Quickly, the Bebop squirrel took out a Super Soaker, the other taking out a Water Warriors water gun. The Bebop squirrel drenched the outlaw, causing him to slip up and fall. Bebop squirrel stood heroically, but quickly dashed off as soon as a swarm of pigeons were chasing after him and the outlaw, who was still struggling to get up.

Fact #34: Squirrels once invaded Disneyland

(Insert ‘A Whole New World’ song)

Groups of squirrels are seen running around Disneyland, screaming and prancing like idiots. They shake hands with Mickey Mouse, dance on the floats during parades, and have crazy dance parties in their suites. They were smiling like dimwits; their tongues sticking out as they enjoyed the rides (Imagine that in slow motion). Soon one of them was dancing as the other squirrels tied one to a firework. He gave the other squirrels thumbs up, and went careening into the sky in a fiery display of color and light… A few weeks later they come back home with a postcard of them attacking some of the people with plastic spoons. It said, ‘We went to Disneyland!

Fact #33: Squirrels cannot cook…

A squirrel is sitting on a frying pan holding two eggs and bacon. He smells something and figures the food is ready. He gets up and puts the food down before realizing that he accidentally sat on the pan, causing his behind to fry. The squirrel screamed horrifically and a couple minutes later is seen slowly getting into a bath of ice cold water.

Fact #32: Flying Squirrels can still fly…

The second attempt finds the flying squirrel still flying effortlessly over the Grand Canyon. This time, the squirrel is seen in a stuntman outfit, inside of cannon. Another squirrel lights the fuse. The squirrel position himself. Unfortunately, at the last possible moment, the cannon, slowly tilts downwards, towards the canyon, and the squirrel is shot into the pit below…screaming like a lunatic…

Fact #31: Squirrels love Dance Dance Revolution!

Two squirrels are dancing on dance mats. They are getting nothing but perfects, which is incredible for an animal. Soon the music speeds up and the squirrels move faster and faster. As soon as they finish, their feet are on fire…literally. The squirrels run in circles before doing the stop drop and roll maneuver…

Fact #30: Squirrels do not know where babies come from…

One squirrel is asking a human a single question, ‘Where do babies come from?’ The human frowned and slowly whispered the information into his ear. The squirrel’s eyes widened horrifically. A few seconds later, the squirrel is seen not taking the door, but crashing through the window, and running in circles like crazy.

Another batch of facts will be coming soon…