Today, I heard the five words all South Floridians dread: “Our air conditioner is broken.”

I decided that rather than staying in that hothouse all day, I would get my stuff back from my ex-boyfriend. It had been a while since I’d seen him, but I knew he still had my stuff. Of course, he denies having anything, but then again, he is a kleptomaniac. Ever since we broke up, I’ve been noticing things missing: My hat, sweaters, my CDs, and even my phone. I haven’t been able to find my cat for quite some time either. I’ve tried calling her outside and in, but to no avail. I tell ya, the hardest part of breaking up is getting back your stuff.

On my way to his house, I was thinking about a couple of things: I can’t believe I dated a klepto! Why didn’t I see that? Hmm…I wonder if my cat will be at his house. You know, I just remembered that there’s a big hole in my kitchen where the sink used to be… What use does he have for a kitchen sink? Some of my food is gone too. And that mini-TV we use for hurricanes is gone.

I finally reached the door to his house and knocked(loudly) on the door. As I waited for him to come to the door, I surveyed the place. I looked in the driveway and saw his parents’ cars and then…wait. That’s not his car. I walked up to it to get a closer look and…it was my car! When did this happen? I sighed and walked back up to the front door. I’m telling you, the hardest part of breaking up is getting back your stuff! Gah, I can’t believe he took my car! Anyways, he finally came to the door, looking as innocent as could be. Well, except for this eye twitch I couldn’t believe I hadn’t noticed before.

“Hey,” he said, smiling. Then I remembered how those nice full lips were on mine and…I slapped myself. Mentally that is. He is a stupid klepto after all.

“I was going to call you…to talk about us,” he continued.

“Okay Kashi, you plus me doesn’t equal us. EVER. AGAIN. You took my car and before you say anything, I saw it in the driveway. And now I gotta take the damn bus. I can’t believe I thought I could ever trust you. Now, I would like to have my stuff back,” I said to him. The idiot was too stunned to say anything. He just stepped aside and let me in. Inside I found everything(well, in various random places): my hats, sweaters, TV, my phone, my CDs, and even my sink(he had it just sitting in his basement)! I (luckily) found my car keys and got out to MY car three hours later. And yes, it did take me three hours to find all my stuff.

I walked into the house fifteen minutes later and felt the coolness of air conditioning settling on my warmed skin. Yes…. I thought. Then something occurred to me: I never did find my cat.