(Note, this appears in Chapter Two of Beatrix and Iggy, but I rather liked the song on its own and thought it made a good submission separately, too.)

SONG:(MAITRE 'D, GLUM, EERIE CHOIR, TRADING ON AND OFF, SOMETIMES IN SYNC

Spies and screams, black hollow eyes Send ravens running from the skies

Welcome says the Maitre 'D

Beware when he brings you a drink

Piano wails a viral chorus

Full of the poisons he will pour us

Towels turn to snakes, your dinner eats you

The baths are liable to overheat you

And don't you go to bed at night

Because the bed does sometimes bite

Swallowed sheets whole, he's quite a fellow

Don't eat the chocolates on the pillow

So welcome now to Deathworld

If we haven't said it before

Beware the Maitre 'D hotel

Or you might wake up cut in four!

(MAITRE D SAYS MELODICALLY)
Greetings! I am the Maitre 'D, how may we assist you?

SPEAKING:
(BEATRIX)
Yes, I'm lost, can you tell me where I am?

(MAITRE 'D)
Did you just breathe?! Glum, she's a breather!

(GLUM)
A breather? Oh how exciting, let's throw her a party.

(MAITRE 'D)
No Glum, she ain't dead!

(GLUM)
Oooh, we'd better murder her.

SONG: (MAITRE 'D AND GLUM TRADING OFF)

We could drown her, fry her, chop her, slice her

Julienne and dice her

We could pinch her, we could poke her

We could get a noose and choke her

(BEATRIX, SPEAKING)
I'd really rather not.

(MAITRE 'D AND GLUM TRADING OFF

Now aren't you getting scared yet

If you're not then something's wrong

Perhaps we'd better go ahead and sing the murder song

A thousand knives all sharp and pointy jagged metal hacking closely

Boiling lava filled up to your neck, will take care of you mostly

Or perhaps we could just hand you over to our sadist dentist

Eaten alive by lions, or a giant praying mantis

Say your prayers, cos we've got duct tape, and a can of kerosine

You'll make the prettiest bonfire Deathworld's ever seen

We could tar her, we could paint her blue

We could saw her and the bear in two!

(MAITRE 'D, SPEAKING, IRRITATED)
They're already in two, Glum.

(GLUM, SINGING LOUDLY)
IN FOUR!

(MAITRE 'D, SPEAKING)
It's too late, you've ruined the rhyme scheme again. Now we have to let her go.