“So, Isaac spent Christmas with your family? Wasn’t that weird?” Noah and I were lounging in his room after rehearsing the pointe number. It was the first chance we’d gotten to really talk since we got back to school. I was laying on his bed playing upside down catch with a purple koosh ball. Noah was rolling about the room in his desk chair.

“Not really. You see, my family doesn’t celebrate Christmas. So it was just like having one of my friends over.” I threw the koosh ball up and caught it. “I can’t say if it was awkward for him, as I’m not in his head.”

“I guess.” He sighed. “I still think it would be awkward.”

“I think he was just glad that he didn’t have to spend Christmas by himself. He was on his way to a hotel when we met up with him.” The koosh when up and back again.

“He was? That’s weird, Cole invited him to have dinner at his place, and Isaac turned him down, something about seeing his mother in DC.”

“He had just come from there when we met with him?” I offered. Throwing and missing the koosh ball. I sat up to retrieve it.

“I guess that’s why.” He rolled around and picked up the koosh ball. “Do you still like him?”

“Hmm?”

“Isaac.” He threw the koosh ball back to me.

“I never did.” I didn’t even try to make that casual. Noah had to know that I didn’t like Isaac. “It was circumstantial.” Noah looked at me curiously so I added, “Sleeping with him.”

“Oh.” I laid down again. “It was?”

“Yeah,” I threw and caught the koosh ball, “If you hadn’t walked out it . . . it just kind of happnened.”

We lapsed into silence.

“Actually,” I mused, “I think my sister likes him.” I threw Noah the koosh ball and he caught it.

“Really?” He seemed amused and quite possibly interested. “That would be good.” He threw me back the ball.

The silence was comfortable, and I was nearly asleep when Noah spoke again.

“We have to see Jacob tomorrow.”

“Don’t remind me,” I groaned. “Jacob Kirshenbaum could rot in hell for all I care.” I threw the ball again. I caught it.

“We still have to go,” Noah pointed out. I threw the koosh ball at him, half heartedly, I missed. I sat up. “Good thing you don’t play sports,” Noah laughed.

“What are we going to do about us?” I knew the question was random. But I had been thinking about it since Isaac had forced me to admit I liked the man sitting across from me.

“What do you mean?” Noah’s question was careful, almost hesitant.

“Well, you see, when a guy and a girl like each other, they usually do something about it. So, what are we doing?”

“Who says I still like you?”

“Oh shut up,” I said, trying to appear unfazed. I wasn’t sure if it was true. I mean, people stopped liking each other all the time. And it had taken me a long time to come to terms with the fact that I liked him. Maybe he had already passed his limit?

“Hmm, interesting turn of events,” Noah drawled.

“What?” I was getting really nervous now, and I could feel the tension in every line of my body. Maybe I should just leave, before I made a bigger mess of things than I already had.

“Nothing,” he said, stopping his teasing voice, I hoped it was because he realized that I was jumping out of my skin. We sat in awkward silence for a few minutes.

Should I leave?

Maybe.

No, no, I shouldn’t that will only make it more awkward later.

Then I’ll quit pointe and never see him again.

Yeah, that worked so well the last time.

“Ro?” His question snapped me out of my internal debate. “Do you want to go out on a date?”

Did I? Was that what I had been fishing for by bringing this up? I didn’t want him to date me out of pity. If he wanted to date me wouldn’t he have already asked me out? Then again, I hadn’t exactly been receptive to the idea in the past.

“Yes. Yes, I do.”

“Oh, good.” He didn’t seem surprised. I got up to leave, feeling awkward and unsure of myself. Had I forced him to ask me out?

“I guess I’ll see you tomorrow then.”

“Tomorrow? Didn’t you bring your clothes here so you could stay over the night?” Noah seemed confused and almost distressed.

“I did, but I –”

“I can’t drive you back,” he motioned to the glass of wine he had poured on his desk. He looked like he was about to start hyperventilating. “Nobody else is home. I know I haven’t had much, but I really don’t want to take the chance. I didn’t realize . . .”

Hey, that’s my job. And it was, too. He wasn’t supposed to go crazy like this. I took a deep breath, and sat back down, unsure how best to deal with him.

“Okay,” I said calmly, “I’ll stay here for the night. It’s fine. That way we can get an early start tomorrow.”

“Oh, okay. Yeah. You’re right,” whatever panic attack he was having, he seemed to be calming down now. That was good, because I wasn’t really sure about this date thing to begin with, and I needed him to be normal. “You’ll sleep in the spare room.”

“As usual, yeah.” I was so confused now. I got up to go again. “I guess I’ll go to bed then.”

“Yeah.” He ran a hand through his hair. “Yeah. I’ll see you in the morning.” I got up and left the room without looking back.

I slept fitfully. I woke up twice during the night to throw up. What the hell was I thinking making Noah ask me out? What right did I have to do that? Now things were really awkward and we had to go see Jacob tomorrow. I fell asleep in a corner of the bed curled around myself in the fetal position, when I finally did sleep.

“Ruth! Are you awake? You have to leave – ouch.” Keith said the last word much more quietly. “What did you hit me for?”

“Noah’s making her breakfast, he wants to wake her,” Isaac’s voice was distinct on the other side of the door, even though it was soft.

“What the hell is he doing that for? They have to get out of here.”

“Ask him,” Isaac replied tartly. The voices moved down the hallway. I must have drifted off to sleep because the next thing I realized Noah was hovering shaking me gently.

“Time to get up, Ro.” I stretched and yawned. “Nice,” he commented jovially, “Very lady like.”

“Excuse me,” I mumbled around a second yawn, “If I don’t wake up like a sleeping princess.”

“Aww, you’re no fun when you’re grumpy,” he teased. “I brought you breakfast, princess.” He offered me the tray he had laid next to me. Carefully, I sat up, trying not to upset the food. I pulled the tray onto my lap and examined its contents. Blueberry pancakes with maple syrup and milk. “It’s fortunate you are so still when you sleep, otherwise I might have knocked over the tray trying to wake you, you’re a bit of a heavy sleeper, there.”

“Meh,” I replied, still not fully ready to engage in intelligent conversation. I patted the bed next to me motioning that he should sit down. He did.

“I wanted to apologize for last night,” he started. I had a feeling I knew what he was going to say. He hadn’t really wanted to ask me out, that he had felt obligated to because of what I said and that it was too awkward. I cut him off.

“I wanted to apologize myself. I shouldn’t have put you in that position. You shouldn’t have obligated to – I don’t want us to be awkward. Don’t worry, I understand.”

“I don’t want us to feel awkward either,” Noah replied carefully. I took a hitching breath. Did he really mean that? That must mean that we weren’t going out. It was what I expected to happen, and yet, I wasn’t happy about it.

“I’m sorry I lost it last night,” he continued. “I don’t know what happened to me there.”

“No worries,” I hid my distress behind that mask I sometimes had to use when I lied. I picked at the pancakes so I didn’t have to look him in the eye. “It happens to the best of us.” Except it wasn’t supposed to happen to him.

“Yeah. You just knocked me off balance there.” He ran a hand through his wavy hair.

“We have to get going, don’t we?” I pushed my food around my plate, trying not to seem quite as disoriented as I felt.

“As soon as you finish eating, sure.” I wanted to push the food away and tell him I wasn’t hungry, but he had made it so I tried to stomach a few more bites.

“Okay, let’s head out,” I urged.

“Get dressed, and I’ll meet you by the car.”

“Good morning, perky people,” Daniel greeted us. As usual, he was dressed for a fashion magazine, this time in a Burberry coat and scarf. “We’re going out today. Jay and Dave will be right down.”

“Dave?” I asked.

“Howard is such a boring name,” he responded, by way of explanation. “Dave is from Davis, see?”

I shook my head.

“It’s okay,” Noah told a crest fallen Daniel, “Cecilia Thompson calls her Faerie. They tried to explain it to me once, but I think it is beyond all logic.”

“How is Cissie Thompson?” Jake had joined the party bringing with him a short man, with deeply tanned skin and thick rimmed glasses. His black hair was nearly ear length. Out of all the people present he was the only one wearing a winter coat that was bought for warmth.

He certainly shouldn’t have been named Howard, Daniel was right.

“I doubt she would talk to you right now, Jacob,” I informed him icily. The discussion that my sister and Isaac had had about him reminded me that he was not my friend.

“You must be Ruth, I’m Dave.” He held his hand out for me to shake. I took it politely.

“Leather gloves, Ruth? I didn’t think you approved of leather,” Jacob couldn’t help himself, I supposed.

“Maybe if we move this conversation to the car?” Daniel suggested quickly, his slender body shook violently from the cold. We were glad to oblige.

“Well, I must say, it is an honor to meet you, Ruth, Jay never stops talking about you,” Noah, Dave and I were squeezed into the back of the car, with me in the middle.

“Thank you. Might I ask where we are going?”

“It’s a surprise!” Daniel responded with his usual exuberance.

“I don’t like surprises,” Noah muttered.

“We’re going to the theater,” Dave whispered.

“To the opera,” Jake corrected, “thought you might be up for a little Sondheim. They’re doing A Little Night Music.”

“That sounds wonderful,” Noah said. I didn’t know what to make of that. Being this close to him and finally knowing that he wanted nothing more than friendship was hard. He smelled so nice. Like soap and cologne. I don’t think I realized how nice he smelled before today.

“Isn’t that a night thing?” I checked my watch to be sure, but it was only ten in the morning.

“Afternoon,” Jacob corrected. “We’re going out for lunch first.”

“Ah,” I commented. I was not in much of a mood to act friendly today. “That should be interesting.”

“What about being seen in public with him?” Noah asked me, quietly.

“Ask Jason,” I knew that everyone could hear us, the car wasn’t that big, but I kept my voice down too.

Noah started texting his friend.

“I’m not calling up reporters to have them take pictures of us, you know,” Jacob informed us. “I doubt any would be interested in our activities, anyway.”

“Maybe they wouldn’t be interested now, but maybe they will eventually,” I replied. “It would be a nice picture to bring out when Noah runs for office.”

“And what would it mean, exactly?” Daniel asked. “None of us would be doing anything illegal.”

“They’re just being careful, Daniel, don’t take it personally,” Dave’s comment was idle, but I realized that we had offended the flamboyant man in the front.

“Daniel, I’m sorry, I didn’t mean to make it sound like I didn’t want to be seen with you.” I nudged Noah. “Right, Noah?”

“Right,” his reply sounded a little forced, but it would have to do.

“She’s right, Daniel, it’s me they don’t want to be seen with,” Jake said sarcastically.

“Well, you did blackmail us,” Noah responded, his voice just as dry.

“Noah! Jacob! Stop it right now.” I was shaking with suppressed emotion. Noah didn’t even have the decency to look ashamed as I glared at him. His expression quirked into an ironic smile, when Jacob felt the need to get the last word in.

“Asshole,” he muttered.

“Jay,” Daniel whined. “You promised.”

“Yeah, yeah,” Jake waved his hand and quieted. Daniel turned on music and we spent the rest of the drive listening to soft rock.

When we had parked and arrived at the restaurant I realized why they hadn’t considered people taking pictures of us. It was an upscale Japanese place which seemed to pride itself on giving parties their privacy. We were situated in an alcove with a fountain, made to look like a wall of water, sectioning us off from other patrons. I tried not to sit next to Noah, not knowing if my heart could stand to be next to him much longer, but he hovered and managed to force Jake out of the way so he could sit next to me. I shifted closer to Daniel.

“How was everyone’s vacation?” I hoped my question would start polite conversation, and it did. Daniel told us about his week in Bermuda, while Jake had gone to London. Dave had stayed home. When he announced that, rather glumly, Noah reached for my hand and gave it a squeeze, his form of silent laughter. My stomach turned and I removed my hand from his, using the excuse of having some water.

He doesn’t like you, I reminded myself. A relationship with Noah, something that I realized I had been working up the courage to have for almost a year, was never going to happen.

“Please excuse me, I just want to wash my hands,” I hurried to the bathroom. Once inside I leaned against the door so nobody else could enter. The bathroom was incredibly nice, cool, just what I needed to calm myself. I took off my heels and splashed water on my face before fixing my makeup and sighing. I examined myself in the mirror, wondering if anyone was ever going to want me. Then I put on my heels, sucked in my gut and examined myself again. I sighed and headed out to the table, feeling no better, but much calmer.

“I’m sure you guys missed me,” I slid back into my seat next to Noah. He shot me a reassuring smile. The smile I returned was not sincere, but it was the best I could manage. I fell into the act that I pulled the first time I went back to see Jake.

“Did everyone play nicely while I was gone?” My voice was light.

A/N I am a terrible, terrible person. I apologize.