I always went through school thinking that is was a complete waste of time, that anything I wanted to know I could read in a book, but no book could have taught me like me friends, enemies and those who switched sides could.

Pat and I had dated for 10 months. Why I stayed with him was beyond me, but I was searching for something and I thought he might have the key.

He was a normal kind of guy, if a bit slow and a bit on the ugly side, and I was a normal kind of girl. At least we were on the outside. He was the good kind of kid that everyone liked. We went to the same public school that everyone in the nearby counties attended. He was the first guy who had ever shown an interest in me and I thrived in it. But it seemed sometimes as though being with him was worse then being alone, and being alone was something that I feared, though I would never admit it. Though frankly, I was tired of being the only fifteen year old who had yet to be kissed, and in that fact, to have a boyfriend.

I always thought that high school would change everything. People would like me and I wouldn’t be afraid to say what I wanted too. Nothing changed. I was as shy as ever, probably more so. I found it harder to trust people with their shifting alliances. No one was ever on my side.

Biology turned out to be more of an anatomy lesson then anything else. The teacher was smart enough to be a college professor or to find a cure for cancer or something like that. He definitely had ADHD. He kept a constant run of jokes and that meant I could better ignore him without it affecting my grade. This was me and Pat’s only class together, and we used it well, or more like he did. I didn’t feel emotionally attached to him, but he was there and so was I so it didn’t really matter what we did.

I could feel the heat from his hand through my jeans. I put my own hand on top of his to try and push it away. We were in class, surrounded by people for Pete’s sake! He just kept going and I gave up. He wasn’t going to stop unless he wanted to, I had learned that by now. His hand reached its mark. He cupped his hand against me and my senses went into hyper-overdrive.

Mr.B was doing a moose impression that sounded like Bullwinkle. Everything seemed over bright, overly loud. I felt my face getting hot with a blush. No one seemed to notice. Even though we went to a big school, the classes were small and there was no one sitting behind us. Stop. I whispered it close, my lips brushed his ear and my breath felt hot against my own face. I know he heard me. I guess he just didn’t care.

The bell rang.

“Shit.” He got up and did a little jig, readjusting his pants before pulling his shirt lower and shoving his hands into his pockets. I just felt relieved. I hoped no one found out what we were doing.

Before we left the room he gave me a hug. This is what I lived for. I loved the feeling of another person against me, the warmth, the feeling of being protected inside strong arms, even if those strong arms were the ones that destroyed me.

So what do you do when your the one to blame. Obviously I was holding up the whore sign, I was doing something to make him lose control. I just couldn't figure out what it was. I curled into myself. He held my hand and I became well trained to stay by his side. Look at him before I talked. Make sure I found him when I was free. I better or I'd get it.

Do you know what kind of terror takes over your mind when someone is on top of you and there's nothing you can do about it?

His hand would hold mine at the wrist, a bruising grip. In the end you don't fight. It hurts less that way. I had never been in a relationship before. Maybe this was normal. Guy forces down girl, holds her head in a death grip. Don't move, you can't if you want. Theres nothing you can do but do what he wants. Do all guys make all this noise when their jacking off? Or do they just do it when they're getting blown. You can't move your head. Be descent and let the girl go. Don't make her choose, don't make her do you want to spit or swallow, hold it in your mouth and taste to be able to spit it out or swallow it and forget? You don't have a choice, he's not letting you go.

At the end of the day you just try to block it from your mind.