If only they knew; how much pain they cause me, how much unhappiness I feel...

My parents were fighting all the time; and I wished they would just hurry up and separate. The tension at home was always so overwhelming; it was slowly strangling me. Mum said it would turn out fine and this would all blow over when we moved but she always keeps putting it off. If only she knew how little Georgia and I felt.

I thought my only refuge was at school. I had a great group of friends there; right up until year 8. Then all they all just became boy orientated. By the end of year 8, they were all claiming they had accomplished losing their virginity over the spring break or how many times they had done it. I felt so out of place because I wasn't into that type of relationship yet. I mean, I hadn't even kissed a boy properly unless you count James McMullens at the start of year 8. But I would only go so far. Inside I felt insecure and embarrassed about being a virgin and felt awkward around my friends boyfriends. I never felt as if I fitted in anymore. And I was no longer known as Gemma Nitta; I was known as a virgin, the harshness says it all, and I was never allowed to forget it.

So it became this daily routine of getting up and going to school and just counting down the minutes till I got out of there again and came home to an unhappy house hold. Even Rufus the family dog was a lot quieter. Its funny how silence can effect things.
So I settled into a routine of not saying anything at all; to try and save myself from embarrassment at school, keeping out of my bullies paths and to stop getting into fights at home.

I went to Jamies 15th birthday party in early May. It was at her Fathers house; A big double story colonial house backing onto the water. As I had expected, half the school was there and a lot of them had brought or drunken alcohol. So I was just being a sheep and following my friends around when I got cut off from them in the crowds. I was walking around in circles when a guy came up to me and put his hand over my mouth and began pulling me away from the crowds. I started to scream. I needed air to fill my lungs again. After awhile I gave in and let him drag me up the stairs. I closed my eyes waiting for it to end. When I felt myself slumped onto a bed and the pressure relieved from my mouth. I gasped for air and look up to see Lucinda's boyfriend looking down at me.
"You are a virgin right?" he asked.
"What do you want from me." I asked timidly, "Wheres Lucinda??"
"Thats not of concern. Would you like fuck me or not?? That name they call you doesnt bother me." he told me.
"What? No. I like myself the way I am. I am not going to lose the only thing no one can take away from me. Especially to my friends' boyfriend!!" I stammered
"You don't refuse me!" he shouted inches from my face. I could smell the alcohol on his breath.
I tried to push past him but the strength and agility of a 17 year old compared to a 15 year old is much stronger and faster and he stepped in front of me, blocking my way out. All I felt was the beat of my heart getting faster and his arms stretching out towards me as if I was going to be controlled like a puppet. I screamed. I felt controlled like a puppet...

The next thing I remember was lying on the bed, naked, bleeding and bruised. I lay there and cried as the party rumbled on through into the night. I wondered if my friends had been looking for me. I remembered that thought had crossed my mind twice but I pushed it aside.
After what seemed like hours I got dressed and went downstairs making my way towards the door when suddenly Lucinda was in front of me; her face was twisted with anger.
She slapped me hard across my left cheek and I felt her cold hand hit my face like a knife and she shouted
"You fucking whore! How could you?!"
"It wasn't..." She slapped me hard again this time on my right cheek. With that she turned and went over to her boyfriend and cried into his shoulder.
"me..." I whispered as I felt tears well up in my eyes as he put his arm around her comfortingly and gave me the coldest stare I have ever seen or felt.

With that I ran out the front door and ran off crying into the dark deserted street. I didn't know where I was running too but wherever it was I just kept running. It felt as if I gigantic hand had grabbed my hand and was pulling me in the direction I needed to go in.
When I stopped, it was like I woke up. I looked around to see my self standing on a ledge that fell sharply away to the roaring sea below. I took a small step forward and looked into the depths of the ocean which gave off a strangely calming feeling, the solutions of my problems felt solved. I felt a voice inside me calling me towards it and with one last look toward the city I stepped off into the air...and I was flying away, away from the coast, away from my parents and my so called best friends. For the first time in my life, I felt free.

I look back now knowing my time on earth had to end sometime soon because I was choking myself with all the worries in my life. I look down on my family every now and then. My mum broke up with my father after my funeral and remarried her true love. They happily added one more to the family. My dad lives near the beach and sees Georgia three times a week. So they are all happy at least. I don't look on my friends though after what they did to me, even though I did look on the man that Lucinda once called her boyfriend. He is now in jail for sex and drug related charges.

My life wasn't wasted but my dreams weren't fulfilled either. One day I am going to go back in another life and do what I was robbed of so long ago. It may not be today, it may not be tomorrow, but I will do it. That is my greatest promise...