How To Leave Your Date In The Dust

“Oh Cindy... I think we were MADE for each other . . .”

Oh my God, how do I get out of here, Cindy thought

“Oh, Cindy . . .”

In a situation like Cindy’s, where you have to get out of the worst date ever, there is only one process that will work every time. Each step has to be carried out precisely in order to get away from the date. This process works best for dinner dates in a restaurant that has windows.

To start, you must make sure that you are carrying a cell phone, a rock climbing kit, a wig, a tracking device, a different coat, and a can of pepper spray. With these tools, you can get out of any date, no matter how desperate your partner is.

Before going on the dreaded date, make sure that you have all of the items listed above, and have confirmed transportation with a friend. To get out of an emergency situation, like a horrible date, make sure that your friend has a helicopter. That is a crucial step to get out of this date’s clutches for good.

Once you notice that your fancy dinner is turning into the worst night imaginable, create a distraction and run to the bathroom. Most likely, the date will follow. If the date asks, “what’s wrong”, make an excuse to stay in the bathroom. Quietly, so the date can’t hear you, call for the emergency helicopter. If the bathroom has windows, get out the emergency rock climbing kit and scale the building out of that window. If the bathroom does not have any windows, you’ll have to run out of the bathroom (squirting the pepper spray at the date on the way) and go to another part of the building and climb out a different window.

On the roof of the building, wait for the helicopter to arrive. If the date climbed up to the roof as well, use the pepper spray again. Quickly, while the date is recovering from the pepper spray, put on the wig and alternate coat to disguise yourself. As the date passes by again looking for you, put the tracking device on his/her jacket so you’ll know where he/she is at all times. This will help to avoid crossing paths at a later time.

Once the helicopter arrives, get in the helicopter and immediately file for a restraining order. Only a quick stop at your house is necessary before the plan is complete. Then, change your cell phone number, assume a false identity (you’re still wearing the wig and coat), and flee the country.

If each of these steps is carried out completely and without fault, the date will never be heard from again. However, because fleeing the country and assuming a false identity is very difficult and tiresome, this plan should only be used when absolutely necessary. Using this entire plan more than five times is not recommended. As for Cindy, she was able to use her rock climbing kit to save herself from her horrible date. Now she goes by “Becky” and lives in Japan, but at least she won’t be hearing from him anymore . . .