Better Toys, Better Future

By: Moonliel-Lucifer

DALLAS, TEXAS--- In today’s society, automatic weapons just don’t seem to be enough. Handguns are just out of season, but surely they’ll come back into fashion. The “in” thing at the moment seems to be the more bullets that your gun is able to shoot in a second the classier you are. But speed isn’t the only thing that people are looking for in their new weapons. People want power—it’s a known fact that power and money are what matter in this country, why else do you think that the NRA has such an influence on the person who’ll become president?

The better weapon you have, the more power and respect you gain. Surprisingly, to the American society, gun sellers have yet released bazookas and rocket launchers. Surely for those power-hungry individuals, they would be the first to sell out in the market. Demand for these weapons have exceeded iPod sales by a long shot. But not all gun collectors and users are after heavy-duty weapons. Faster bullet release and longer shooting ranges are what real gun owners are looking for. Other stragglers of the gun movement are more focused on the fashionable sense of their guns as opposed to power and speed.

The industry for automatics is about to grow. Investors are already looking forward to the new accessories for their guns. One woman, when she heard about the new “Be Color Coordinated” advertisement, squealed with delight, screaming “Oh my God! Finally, a pink gun to match my fuchsia purse!” as she made her way to her local Wal-Mart, trying to beat the crowd of bustling women already there. Men, on the other hand, weren’t as much into the color as they were into the accessories. A research extension of the NRA offices released new information regarding automatic weapons, claiming that the release of the bullet from the barrel will slowly decrease upon use over the years, especially if not taken care of properly. That is where these new accessories come in. Radio Shack has recently announced their new product line of guns at popular request. “Chargers for electric gins are now available” was the prime slogan to all local gun owners.

“The ‘electric gun’ looks exactly like a regular gun,” said Ex-Chairman of the NRA, Charlton Heston, “the only difference is an extra inch added to the base. That’s where the battery is held.”

The electric gun allows bullets from automatic weapons a release in the same speed throughout its lifetime. Not once will a bullet decrease in speed with age. Many gun owners are outraged that this new gun has surpassed their own, claiming that it is merely a new trend that will soon fade out. Others argue that the electric gun is here to stay, for it is revolutionized and advanced, especially in our modern day. Long time NRA members are torn. On one hand, they want to remain loyal to their automatics like AK-47s’ , M-1 Carbines, and M-14s’, but on the other hand, the new accessories for the electric gun are a bit appealing.

Other major electronic stores like Best Buy and Circuit City have revealed that their own research facilities are currently looking into making attachments to the new electric gun. Their most prestigious attachment would have to be the “cell phone enhancer”. The new electric guns are equipped with a radar sensor, able to locate other electric guns on a special radio wave that only they emit. With this radar sensor, people are able to connect their special NRA cell phones (obtained with membership) to the battery base of their gun and gain a wider range to make calls, making long distance non-existent. The electric gun can also be used like a PSP speakers’; a person can connect their iPod to the guns secondary battery outlet and be able to blast music through the speakers—no need for headphones anymore!

These new technological advancements are taking the country by storm, soon everyone his going to want a new automatic weapon. What better way to raise the gun sales than by lowering the age limit and discontinuing background checks? The electric gun already comes in the basic primary and secondary colors, cell phone and iPod attachments, and with a rechargeable battery. The only thing left to include is the transformation process: where a gun can transform into any other in order to suit every occasion (which the U.S. government is secretly working on, say sources). Imagine a gun being able to morph into a rifle when out hunting, or turning into a normal pistol or magnum when a crook assaults you; this is simply ideal. Researchers and scientists theorize that even cloaking for weapons will come out to the public in the next 30 years, when technology has had a chance to advance further.

“These cloaking devices will be perfect to protect our children” says long time NRA member and mother of two, Rachel Harrison, “Until then we can only hope for the best that they children don’t blow their little heads off.”

Gun control, especially on automatic weapons, has been slipping as of yet and many argue that our children are headed into dark times because of this. Should our children be subjugated into living in a world with color-coded AK-47s? Some argue no, but the majority is pleased to announce their right to bear arms and flash their given right any chance they get.

EDITOR IN CHIEF, TEXAS TRIBUNE

A/N: Well, a semi-satirical essay on gun control and the craziness our country is headed in, in terms of politics and gun control/safety. None of this is completely factual.