I feel it every day; it’s all the same. It brings me down but I’m the one to blame

Hurt. It pierced every part of her body. Her normally cheerful, bubbly persona vanished as she wondered why this always happened to her. What was he, some kind of cruel joke? If there was a God, why would he/she put her ideal guy in front of her and then have him be both bipolar and a MAJOR flirt? She just didn’t know what to believe anymore. Every time she thought it was safe to let the walls down, even for a second, all it got her was pain. She began to wonder if there was something wrong with her. Most of all, she wondered why they all had to be right.

I've tried everything to get away

After meeting at one of the RA’s events, they became really good friends. They just clicked when they were together. She wasn’t looking for anything because she wasn’t interested in being hurt/disappointed again. But then… something happened. He seemed normal enough. He was definitely her type (tall, dark, and handsome…ever so cliched, but she was instantly attracted to those type of guys), he was funny, smart, loved to talk, loved the same music she did, played guitar, wrote poetry, and loved to flirt with her (of course, flirtiness was a huge part of his personality…). They did just about everything together. He genuinely seemed to care about her and they found themselves alone a lot. His friends even made suggestive jokes like “what were you two doing?” She found herself falling fast and hard for him. She didn’t think this was a good thing since feelings like these never got her anywhere. The fact that he was one of her good guy friends didn’t help matters. But, maybe, the eternal voice of hope in the back of her head began, this time will be different. So she slowly lowered the walls guarding her tattered heart. That smidge of hope was her only leader.

So here I go again… chasing you down again
Why do I do this..

Over and over
Over and over I fall for you
Over and over
Over and over I try not to

Feels like everyday stays the same
It’s dragging me down and I can’t pull away

But then, nothing happened. Absolutely nothing. At one point, he told her she was a “good friend” but that “wasn’t what you (she) wanted to hear is it?” She didn’t say anything… she just stared down at the table. Again, she was the good friend. She heaved a heavy sigh. However, after he said that, he continued to flirt with her. Hope that something might actually happen re-installed itself in her. Why would he continue to flirt with her unless he felt something for her? There were plenty of opportunities for something to happen too. She asked once: “What kind of guy actually chooses to watch a romantic comedy if he doesn’t want to do/suggest something?” No one could give her an answer. There was another time, where she, the guy, and his friend were sitting in the guy’s room. The guy’s friend knew she liked the guy. The two guys were talking about their girl troubles/sexual escapades when the friend asked the guy: “Why would you deal with all that when you could have (girl’s name omitted as per her request)?”

The guy then said to the girl: “I dunno…don’t you think it would screw up the friendship?”

The girl said she didn’t know. She had never been good under pressure… and that had been totally unexpected.

Then the guy said: “Did I sound like a chick right there?” The girl laughed, somewhat nervously, and said no. After that, STILL nothing happened. However, she did find out he was bipolar. Although this scared her a little, she knew that he was still the same guy she had known---just with a sickness. And, hey, who was normal anyway? But then, the flirting stopped for a bit. She felt like he was avoiding her at one point. That was when girl began to curse herself. She began to wonder how she could have been so stupid, or why she had trusted him, and why they had all had to be right. She hadn’t even done anything to deserve that kind of treatment. Most of all, she cursed herself for still having (deep, love-like) feelings for him. Like a song from one of her favorite CDs said: “Feels like everyday stays the same. It’s dragging me down and I can’t pull away…” As hard as she tried, she just couldn’t get over him. What she did manage to do was make herself comfortably numb.

Over and over
Over and over I fall for you
Over and over
Over and over I try not to

Then, all of a sudden, when school started again, he actually seemed to remember he was friends with her (or maybe more?). Not only that, they began hanging out again and, worst of all, she felt her feelings for him returning. One night they just started driving around the hot spots in their town, not getting out anywhere, just talking, hanging out, and the guy began flirting with the girl again, which she didn’t try to stop. She actually liked it. She couldn’t believe her feelings for him were still there. Again, that eternally hopeful voice said: ‘Maybe now something could happen.’ They were with another one of the guy’s friends and, when this friend asked what the definition of flirting was, the guy said: “Flirting is what me and (the girl’s name omitted) do,”

Her thoughts at this point were: should I be doing this again? Is it really safe not to be numb to them?

Feels like everyday stays the same
It’s dragging me down and I can’t pull away

So here I go again
chasing you down again
Why do I do this..

Over and over
Over and over I fall for you
Over and over
Over and over I try not to..

Over and over
Over and over you make me fall for you
Over and over
Over and over you don’t even try

So many thoughts that I cant get out of my head
I try to live without you, every time I do I feel dead
I know what's best for me but I want you instead
I’ll keep on wasting all my time

After the flirting-is-what-me-and-her-do incident, the guy and her only hung out a couple times. Although she knew it was a sort of false hope, she still held out some that the guy would somehow realize he liked her (as more than a friend) and her loneliness would, at last, be abated (with someone she actually liked). She had honestly tried to move on, but, as the aforementioned favorite song said: “I try to live without you, every time I do I feel dead. I know what's best for me but I want you instead. I’ll keep on wasting all my time… ”

Over and over
Over and over I fall for you
Over and over
Over and over I try not to…

Finally, though, she realized that this hope was useless. Nothing would ever happen. She knew this deep down. She knew he would never do anything. One of the reasons she knew this was because being friends (or trying for more) with him was like being friends with two people. One of these people was a somewhat annoying friend who loved to raid her fridge and hang out. Two was the person that knew her better than practically anyone, genuinely cared about her, loved to talk to her, loved to hang out and flirt with her, and whom she could stay with, wherever they were, for hours on end. She had to give up, she decided, no matter how deeply she felt for him.

She attempted to move on with another guy she met a month later. She probably wouldn’t have done this without the encouragement of the guy’s friends. She could have sworn on a stack of bibles that this new guy liked her (all the signs of a shy guy liking you were there). But, a few weeks and some phone calls later, he told her that he “d(idn’t) think it would be a good idea for us to hang out…” He continued by saying that he didn’t want to lead her on. There was something not right about it, but the girl decided she would just give up. She was probably going to die alone with a bunch of cats anyway. She couldn’t figure out why this always happened to her. One of her best friends reassured her that she was “beautiful and ha(d) a great personality”, but then why couldn’t she get past the “good friend” or “just one of the guys” labels?

Over and over
Over and over you make me fall for you
Over and over
Over and over you don’t even try to

Song- "Over and Over" by Three Days Grace

Lyrics copyright Three Days Grace.